I think this is what blogging is all about..

[Mavihoja]

To my knowledge, blogging is about expressing observations, experiences, you know, putting yourself out there.  Well, this is as good as anywhere to blog, because my whole life today has become about becoming a non-smoker.  I have lived in a huge lie for so long that it is taking me awhile to shed the necessary light on that lie.  The honest fact about this horrible addiction is that it had fooled me into thinking that smoking cigarettes is okay.  It told me that in spite of the fact that there are NO good reasons to smoke, I really need to get that next puff...at whatever cost I might incur.  The little monster, even after getting out of the hospital 17 years ago, after a week's stay in ICU with double pneumonia complicated by a small heart attack caused by the fact that my lungs almost collapsed and said, "NO MORE", I went to the local Circle K and bought another pack of cigarettes. 

At a very impressionable age of 14,  it  hornswaggled me into knowing that in spite of the fact that good people don't smoke cigarettes, I just had to try it.  I have been lying to myself ever since.  I have been justifying it ever since.  I have been letting the monster rule my behavior ever since.  I have been watching everything happen around me ever since from the perspective of a smoker who would daily make the decision that he just couldn't or wouldn't take the necessary steps to STOP SMOKING.  I have been doing something for 51 years now that not once ever gave me anything but negativity and feeling bad about my inability to stand up to it.  Just this one little habit...I have never heard from anyone that smoking is a "good habit", but thousands of times I have been hammered that smoking is a bad habit.  None of this makes any sense to me anymore.  The fact is that I have been living in a huge lie for 51 years, and I am now desperate to escape from this lie.  It is contrary to every good thing I know to be true.  And, I also know that I am the ony one who can make the decision, take the action, follow through with the plan, and make it happen.  Another thing too...not one of my mentors over these may years has been a smoker.  They have all been people who encouraged me to become a non-smoker.  Why has all this happened???  At the ripe of 65, I am what we call a baby boomer.  Many of us have reached this age through a series of miracles.  Many have not made it this far.  But, those of us men who have are finding ourselves looking back at our lives trying to make sense out of it all.  Successes, failures, families, books either already written or always wanted to, the looking back, are all contrary to my spiritual training that tells me to live in the moment of this day.   Sometimes it feels like I have done so many things right, and then again it feels like I have done so many things wrong.  But, all during this time I have been a smoker.  Has my whole life been lie?  Sometimes it feels like that is the case, and sometimes it doesn't. 

But, having said all that, I still am going in the direction of becoming a committed non-smoker...I am just not completely there yet.  It's almost like every day, I am attracted to re-learning how to be a person without having to be a smoker.  It is wierd to me sometimes, but it is the one goal I have set so many times and failed at achieving.  It is the one thing left to do that is so important.  Yes, it has been said that I over think things, but it is not possible to unscramble an egg.  You just have to look at it closer to see where all the pieces need to go.  Microscopically, it is still just an egg.

Some people quit smoking with or without God, some people refer to Him as their "higher power" because they have not had the illuminating experience of accepting that walk in their lives.  This is not bad or good, it just is.  Some folks want to completely turn their will over to God and let Him do this for them.  Some folks say that the exercise of your own will is the only thing that can stop this horrible addiction.  Others say that they would pray and pray at night to be finally free of it, only to wake up the next morning, pour a cup of coffee, and light up a cigarette.  Thousands of times...

Obedience to natural law of not smoking or drinking alcohol was one of the first things I can remember from Sunday School at my first chuch experience prior to grade school!  I also remember sneaking into my mom's bedroom at age 7 or so, and puffing on a cigarette just to see why she was doing it...cough, cough...yuck!!!  I can't see why she does that, so I don't think I want to get sick, so I guess I have to get a little older before i can do that...and so I did...I waited until age 14.

So, dare I to keep going here, a few of the folks on this site have suggested that I share more about my personal walk and where I am at with my quit.  So, I offer these thoughts and words in that effort.  More later...we are all works in progress!!!

Peace to ALL...

Michael