Hello Everyone,
I know it's been awhile since I have been here. Perhaps that is a factor for me and my failure. I did mess up my quit and I feel so horrible about that. My shame in doing so has made it very difficult to share this here and I know many people will be disappointed to hear this, especially from me and especially after what I went through with my sister. I know, how in the world could I possibly even think of smoking after witnessing the destruction that cigarettes can cause? I had to really go deep to figure out why, and for one I was not thinking of myself in a very good way, obviously. I let the other family members hatefulness get to me and my self worth was pretty low.
I basically got to the roots of why I did this, I had to, so I don't let myself fall into this trap again. I have re read Allen Carrs Easy Way to Quit and there is a part that totally describes my situation, so that really lifted me up. I also began to remember that this place and other peoples stories really helped me through so much, not to mention the genuine caring from so many. Who needs hateful family members or hateful people for that matter?
I did get so low in my life though, and I spend way too much time alone. I went through my greiving alone, when I finally felt good enough to get back into life, it seems like people have radar or something and they try to snatch away any good feelings. I had to greive for losing part of my family in a sense, because I cannot take the nastiness anymore. I have to choose to leave them behind , so I can move forward. I can't contunue to let them drag me down, and that's exactly what they do. I never wrote that when I was caring for my sister 24/7 about the extent of hatefulness, nasty comments and outright verbal attacks that were slung at me for no good reason, except that is how they choose to see me and how they choose to treat me. Well, enough about them. Today is Day 1 for me, you guys! My eyes just welled up writing that, this is just another emotional thing for me. I choose myself, no more being kicked down,,the only things that's going to be kicked from this day forward are BUTTS! I know I can do this, I did it with help from here before and that honestly was the first time I ever quit in my 31 year smoking career.
BTW ,,,, I went to my doctor, and he gave me a scrip for Chantix again. It really did take the edge off for me before.
Please, I know you all will be upset with me,,I know this, but I have been ashamed and disappointed and down on myself enough for everyone here. I feel bad after quitting for so long ( 9 months) and new people seeing someone who quit for that long can easily fail,,,it appears inevitable,,a word my family used at me,,they expected me to fail (hmmm,,I didn't let em down, did I)
All that being said, I have moved on once again in my life. It has been a heck of a year for us all, I know. I just hope I didn't lose my friends here and that you find forgiveness in your hearts once you get past your certain disappointment in me.
I am off to the dentist for now,,but you all can be sure you'll be hearing from me alot!
Love & hugs,
Diane
