I don't enjoy feeling this way anymore. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of the games I play in my head, the plotting, the planing, the excitement, the fear, the anxiety, the thrill, the embarrassment, the guilt, the every thought and the everything I go through when I give in to the urge to smoke. It isn't fun. I'm tired of always thinking about wanting a cigarette or feeling like I "need" a cigarette. While I did smoke because I wanted to, some of the time, I also smoked due to stress/anxiety; which is a strong, very strong, trigger for me. I can't smoke for ANY REASON at all anymore or I will always smoke. I clearly see that now. There is no such thing as just one when stressed cause it will lead to me wanting to smoke when I want or bored as well. I am no longer in denial nor am I going to use stress/anxiety as an excuse. I will need help with my stress/anxiety but I can't and will not look to a cigarette for that help anymore. That just leads to more smoking. I KNOW THAT YOU ALREADY KNOW THIS; maybe I just needed to figure it out on my own or more likely, admit it to myself.
