Hey there!
Last night I asked God to prepare me for my quitting day, which is my 22nd birthday on September 26th (I decided to pick a date myself, before I found this website telling me to do so) and I realised that He doesn't need to prepare me - I'm free. So I got up and threw everything out. Ashtray, cigarettes, rolling paper and weed (I'm also addicted to smoking weed, not only cigarettes) and as I got back to bed I felt relief, like I was really set free and I believed that since today I'm not smoking anymore. After that, I couldn't fall asleep - not sure if it was because of my decision or for some other reason. I was very anxious and rolled around in bed until the break of dawn... So today was that day and everything was wrong. I overslept my visit to the dentist and a meeting in collage. I was feeling cranky, but I didn't think about smoking. My roommate asked me out to smoke with her, I said no but held her company - her cigarette didn't bother me as much as I thought. Later in the afternoon I had a training to get back to my job which was a fail (what usually used to go easy). So all these little things added up to the fact my ex is ignoring me, although I just want to get my piece of clothe back and I was in a super big blues. I don't remember last time I was in that kind of blues. After I failed the job training I was ready to take everything out of the garbage bin. And so I did. I smoked and felt like the biggest looser in the world. And I still feel so. Quitting cold turkey didn't work for me (for the second time) and I feel miserable - not sure even if I will quit with all this support and understanding habit-addiction system on my birthday. I had my first cigarette when I was 12, so it would be a 10 year smoking "anniversary" (which is terrible, considering my age). But I didn't realise that until now - my main concern to quit is because I am a singer and I know (I can feel it and hear it) how it affects my voice. I want to become more professional and I know, that most of the good vocalists don't smoke. Comforting myself, that Rihanna is a bigger smoker and I'm probly that type of smokey-singer (everybody praises my rusky voice) isn't comforting anymore as I know I have bigger potential and the voice that didn't reach it's limits or at least I want to reach it by training and smoking CERTAINLY will not help me do that. But what I've realised, that I was always a smoker, except for my childhood. I don't remember myself as a non-smoker. I quitted cigarettes for more than a year, almost 2 (in 2012 Novemeber-2014 March) but I was smoking joints instead... Speaking of which - I'm smoking joints everyday for at least 4 years now. I had a month break without marijuana last year, BUT I was smoking cigarettes. There was a period when I did neither (2014 Feb) but it was less than a month and I knew that on March 1 I will be able to smoke (joints) again. I did this month off to cleanse from marijuana, but that was the same month I had my cigarette after more than a year. So it's either this or that, now I'm doing both and it's hard to quit both, because everybody around me smokes. If not this then another evil. I wish I could be this social smoker who can relax with friends having a puff or two, but not needing to buy weed or to smoke it to go to sleep... This way I wouldn't fall back, if I could socially enjoy it and not be addicted like I am right now. I had this experience last year when I decided to quit weed, but not to restrain myself too much. To my own surprise I smoked with my friends and still didn't have the urge to smoke again, I smoked like few times a month and only when I was with somebody. And with cigarettes I want to be done completely. I don't know which is worse, which should go first and which one second or both at the same time? Maybe it's not the right place to discuss it, but it's the best place for me right now... I just feel so miserable and that was why I didn't bother to quit - when you fail it's just the worst feeling ever. I feel like a worm, just a weak creature that can't even manage to live NORMALY. Sorry if I made some mistakes, I'm not a native english speaker.
Hopefully someone will respond, there's so many ppl out here. Thank you for your time
