500+ days. I came back to look at my clock, because there is a pack of cigarettes outside, with my houseguest and my husband both taking part hourly. I am missing out on lots of conversations. I will not smoke. I feel very defeated that after so long, I'm thinking more and more about just starting up again. Even at $8 a pack in Hawaii. So stupid.
I quit my retail job to start a photo business here, and I've started a new project- RIPE- that you can find on my website. And then, a very young woman that I had worked with died last week, and it's just surreal.
The thing is I'm exhausted. I'm trying to become a certified yoga teacher and joined the local roller derby, so I'm proud of my lung power. Business is slow but steady. At home, we are eating almost vegan, because we are never getting by financially, and it's healthy. I'm still homesick, I miss teaching, I miss my family. But a cig won't fix that.
So tonight, my husband starts talking about next year, when his job might be renewed for another academic year. I'm not in love with living here, but I can enjoy it for what it is. But if I'm facing turning 33 in Paradise, with some income and insurance, I really want to start a family. I ask him if it's something we can look forward to, and the answer is "you know how hard that is to answer".
Having a smoke won't bring any answers or any comfort. But blogging takes the edge off a bit. Thanks for listening.
