So, I'm back... it's been a while. Some background: started smoking when I was 13 (I'm 28 now) and I was a pack a day up until recently. The reason I started in the first place was a desperate attempt to fit in. I grew up in a tiny town away from ANYTHING to do, and most of the kids at my school had taken up smoking to kill the boredom. I was already considered a loser (in a class of 100, this happened quite early... like 2nd grade) so I didn't want to be a "square" too. So, I smoked... and I made a lot of friends on that common ground. Many of those friends I still talk to and hang out with to this day (from what I hear this is uncommon).
Anyways.... present day: After three years of trying, I am finally pregnant! YAY... right??? I thought that as soon as I found out that I was pregnant, I'd be able to quit. This was not the case AT ALL. While I have been able to cut down, a lot, quitting completely has become a dream that I can't seem to turn into a reality. The longest I've been able to go without a smoke is 2 days. I just get so depressed and angry. I'm too scared to use the quit smoking aids because I read that they can be worse than smoking. My midwives told me that using the patch isn't a good idea and prescriptions, like Welbutran (sp?), aren't safe during pregnancy. I tried the gum since I was told that was the safest aid to use, but it made my gums bleed and my teeth hurt. I've tried to think of all of the wonderful benefits of quitting for my unborn child, but that hasn't helped either.
I should mention that this pregnancy doesn't seem real yet. I haven't had an ultrasound, and I won't until week 20. So I mostly just feel fat and tired, not pregnant. I feel guilty and ashammed of myself for smoking, but those feelings feel better than depression and anger. I feel like my man hates me either way. If I haven't had a smoke in a couple of days he won't come near me, which makes me even more depressed and angry. He's trying to quit too, so I know he's having a hard time as well. But I'm all alone, all the time when I'm quitting. All of my friends are smokers, and they live far away from us. My mother just argues with me when I talk to her, so she's no help. I don't have anywhere to turn to. Even if I was able to talk to someone (a non-smoking friend, quitline, online support group whatever) it's not the same. I just feel like a jackass.
