So mom's still alive, apparently doing better the nursing home said which I highly doubt. My brother said she's still very unaware of things but she managed to say I love you that was it. Heard of this before a person dies, they're in a very slow decline and then everything seems okay and they seem to be getting better, and then it happens. Hospice has seen a lot of death and when they say her body is actively dieing, I know they ain't God, but I trust them. I know the nursing home is just trying to keep us updated and maybe help with the pain, ease it.
Last night and today my heart feels like it's getting ripped out of my chest. I didn't drink or smoke and no I'm not proud of myself because it just hurt so bad. It's also hurting today physically and mentally. As soon as I let my guard down with my husband I was crying so loud and so hard I made myself throw up 3-4 times. I was exhausted and I think I just went to sleep from that, the exhaustion but not until 1-2am. There is nothing to be proud of in this, Idc that's I'm quit. Idc that I didn't drink. Idc what anything right now I just don't! I just care about my kids and trying to hold it together for them and not show them anything is hard!
Idk I really want a cig right now but right now I'm also weak. I'm at the emotional point that if I have a cig it won't be the end of the world, it's not the most important thing in the world, The most important part of my life is slowly slipping away and there's nothing I can do. This is the most painful part, there's nothing I can do.
