I really did. I checked my email and found so many of them from become an ex. I hope I don't offend everyone by responding in one blog post... I reached out to touch the screen. I'm not certain why I felt like I needed to do that. I make my living on the internet and I never felt 'out of touch' or really isolated. But when I read all the responses of truly caring people with a common goal, I just felt the strongest urge to reach out my hand. I realized what I was doing, felt stupid to myself and put my hand down, right in my ashtray. Burning cigarette and ten butts flipped up and ashes everywhere.. fell half into the trash can, the ashtray bounced and sent more ashes flying. I keep a small trash can just below my desk because half of the cigarettes I smoke end up ashes in my lap or on my desk. I turned on the light, bent down and just sat there and looked at how I live my life... with this poisonous gas surrounding me night and day, disgusting foul ashes all OVER the carpet and chair matt, and one weeks worth of trash (mostly cigarette butts and empty packs) and I just sat there. I was honestly mulling over how really sickening it all is. Never mind what it does to my mind and my body. Just living in this filth and not realizing how really sick it is... I felt nauseous. Then I just sat here and cried for almost ten whole minutes, I don't mean sniffling, I mean full blown whaling, it took me another few to get my mind around writing. What a blubbering idiot. Wynona Judd sang a song,..
When you hit rock bottom, you've got two ways to go... Straight up. And sideways Well, I've seen my share of hard time, and I'm letting you know.. Straight up, is my way. Things are tough all over, but I've got good news When you get down to nothing, you've got nothing to lose. I was born naked,but I'm glory bound And a dead end street, it's just a place to turn around.
When the sky is the limit up on easy street Rock bottom, ain't no place to be Rock bottom, ain't no place for me When the law of the jungle is the law of the land Good luck Stayin' alive... I keep a clinched fist under this hat in my hand 'Cause only the strong survive
When you hit rock bottom, you've got two ways to go... Straight up. And sideway. Well, I've seen my share of hard time, and I'm letting you know.. Straight up, is my way.
I sometimes work 16 and even 24 hours at a stretch.. I really love what I do, I get busy, I don't get out much LOL and ALL that... I do work in my yard and garden even through winter, I have backyard chickens, I visit my boyfriend (and yes he smokes) on weekends, and walk my dogs twice a day. But my work is solitary. I do it alone for hours... smoking is something I do very mindlessly. No one ever sees my work area but me... and I've lost all pride in this area of my home. MY home, MY pride, gone. Donna, thank you for your encouraging words. I am going to get a bit more prepared, honestly, I've tried to quit too many times, I need a bit of a strategy, thanks for the reminder. You and hwc are both right about the positive... You bet I will join with you and be the best I can be to help you stay positive too! 🙂 tryagain, I did the SAME THING! Being on the internet, I am fain to be so public about smoking, especially with all my sustainable living work... smoking is ANYTHING but sustainable and it is probably one of the worst examples of personal environmental damage we can do. I'm so glad you are quitting too! It really helps to feel like you're not the only one. And you're right... there are many MANY people here that are in the very same boat saying, "I DID it. If I can YOU can... why not really beLIEVE that "I CAN" too? hwc, what you say makes real sense. I quit smoking for eleven years. I started back and have been smoking now for almost that long. Two times I've tried to quit cold turkey the way I did before, and I failed quite miserably. I thought, this time, I'm going all out and doing the 'program'... that maybe I could be successful this way. The doctor I went to see wanted me to be on the Zyban for two weeks before my quit. They couldn't schedule me in before the 6th. I've been taking the zyban for almost two weeks now and I can honestly say that all it does is make me more nervous and jittery. I can feel a slightly less 'need' to smoke, like my body is really not that interested, it is in my mind. So I see what you are saying, that it is mostly there I need to deal. I really value your advice. This is what I could see myself saying to anyone else (I am typically pragmatic, blunt, and anything but whiney) but I am seeing that I honestly do not think straight about my own situation, guess that is why I am here. So thank you for the 'slap in the face' so to speak. Really. It is stupid, it is expensive, it is an environmental hazard, it is stinky, ugly, and worst of all, makes me my own worst enemy. It is the one thing in my life I am REALLY not proud of, like I'm living a double life. I like what you said too, and this is what Donna is saying as well... I can imagine how a slave in a different age must have felt when they were released to freedom. It is freedom, it is life. To be a slave to something, to not have freedom to choose ( I want to say control, but don't want to start a 'control issue' topic, LOL!) but that I cannot control what I do with my own body wreaks of slavery to me. To be free of it... to get to enjoy my life again. I want this.. I just thought I was doing it a good way this time by working a 'program' 🙂 But you're right, I've been focusing, even so, on the negative. The song lyrics above are about smoking and cigarettes (for me, LOL) I keep a clinched fist under this hat in my hand 'Cause only the strong survive If for me when I ever think about smoking a cigarette. THANKS! you guys... I'll be checking in on you!!
Just to be clear. If working towards a quit date works for you and puts in a frame of mind better prepared to quit, then far be it from me to stand in the way. I just don't want to see you work yourself into a frazzle before you even quit. There will be plenty of time for that in the days after you quit! Allen Carr does somthing interesting in his stop smoking clinics. He practically insists that the attendees chain smoke right up until the moment they quit together. Why? He doesn't want them feeling deprived and dreaming of that one magical cigarette that has magical superpowers to end all stress and hunger in the world. He wants his people to remember that final cigarette as a disgusting ugly thing they couldn't wait to snuff out because they'd smoked so many in the previous hour they were practically sick from it. It sounds like you were pretty much right there when you knocked over your ash tray!
Thanks Crystal. You are right about that of course. 😉 Being a keeper of Torah and believer in the power of G-d, I can honestly say, this is the worst of the situation for me... allowing cigarettes to be stronger in my life than His Power is just the worst. It makes me angry, sad, embarrassed, and like I'm letting my very best friend down every single time I smoke. This is THE biggest motivation I have to quit. This WILL be your final quit. YOU decide, not the cigarette, right? 🙂 Thanks Crystal!
hwc, aw thanks for that, I understood what you were saying... I really do feel the need to be a bit more mentally 'prepared' but I psyched myself out for a minute. Got my head straight on there now, I think. 🙂 There are too many stupid things that I let sabotage me, it's not really about smoking, but smoking is a big symptom of it. So I'm working on those things too... sort of like when someone quits drinking, but they turn into a workaholic, they just turn their addiction onto something more 'socially acceptable' you know?.. a 'dry drunk' same thinking here in my mind... this is why the psychological factor jerks people around while they're not looking.. Edith said something, that she didn't need a cigarette to 'numb' her anymore. Not dealing with something real by sticking a cancer stick in your mouth isn't healthy on SO many levels. And you know what else, I haven't read Carr's book, I did look it up online after you mentioned it I guess it's a pretty big deal, eh? But you mentioned that he allow the smoker to 'smoke it up' and that is what I've really been doing... I've smoked so much the last two weeks it is literally making me sick. But I force myself to smoke (this is rather how I went cold turkey for twelve years before ) and it worked... so I'm using that in my arsenal as well. Thanks a tremendous bunch for your comments!
Geez, I was rereading your posts and realized that I said that quite wrong.. to Crystal, "You're right about that of course" was intended toward what you said "I am just now going into another quit- THE FINAL ONE!" I hope that came out right this time. LOL And yeah, let's DO be quitting buddies... what is your quit date?
Wow, sounds like you are ready to kick a** and take names. Good for you and congratulations! Awesome post. I worked at home too on one of my quits. I can relate to the mindless smoking and no one seeing my work space, pride, etc. That first week into my quit it was like I died and I was floating in a corner of my home office. Almost surreal because I just looked at everything and said, "Is this what I have become? I can do better." I painted the room, got better organized, etc. I got rid of the clutter. And, of course, that kept me busy too so I didn't smoke! Made a world of difference. I read a simple line recently that summed up the journey and process I went through during my final quit: 'To be free from suffering, we must cease creating the causes of suffering.' So simple, and yet, so true. Many blessings and well wishes on this FINAL QUIT. 🙂
Wow, sounds like you are ready to kick a** and take names. Good for you and congratulations! Awesome post. I worked at home too on one of my quits. I can relate to the mindless smoking and no one seeing my work space, pride, etc. That first week into my quit it was like I died and I was floating in a corner of my home office. Almost surreal because I just looked at everything and said, "Is this what I have become? I can do better." I painted the room, got better organized, etc. I got rid of the clutter. And, of course, that kept me busy too so I didn't smoke! Made a world of difference. I read a simple line recently that summed up the journey and process I went through during my final quit: 'To be free from suffering, we must cease creating the causes of suffering.' So simple, and yet, so true. Many blessings and well wishes on this FINAL QUIT. 🙂
Carole, Thanks for sharing.. I think I will move my entire office around, different workspace, different places for stuff, no room for the ashtray, and the little niche for all that smoking junk. SO glad you wrote. I am reminded of another quote to go with the one you wrote.. by Einstein.. “We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.â€
And Crystal, just because we can't be quit buddies on the exact same day, doesn't mean we can't still be buddies on quitting. I'll be right behind you, I promise.
It sounds to me like your ready to quit and will make it I'm sure. You already know it won't be easy but at the same time it will be so rewarding to not be tied to cigarettes anymore. I think allot of it is just making up our minds that we really want to quit and not accept excuses to continue. Best of luck and I'm here cheering you on. You can do it.
