My last blog post, as someone stated in a comment, was just a banter of excuses. I suppose I wanted to vent on reasons why I relapsed. I wanted to convince myself that the triggers were the entire reason. They are not. I haven't posted a blog in a while because I gave up on trying, for the time being. Where my head is at, I don't think I can, nor want, to stop smoking. If this seems like I'm making excuses, bear with me.
I work at a gym, with people who are entirely too miserable with their own lives, and intently try to make others miserable as well. The only way to avoid their frustration is to wear a fake smile and kiss butt. I'm not the type of person to normally do this. But I only have a short while to do this until I leave for basic. I want to be physically and mentally fit the months, six to be exact, before I leave. I work at a gym for crying out loud. One thing I've recognized I could do to avoid smoking is work out. However, when I am smoking, I don't care for doing anything other than walking outside and lighting one up. As I've said, bear with me.
My boss, who chain smokes, though I've come to find that lately she's cutting back which means I'm smoking more than her. That idea in itself is frustrating. Well, she has me working nights. The facility closes at ten at night! Who works out at such an hour!? Anyways, in the mornings, I've come to realize, is the toughest thing for me to overcome when I'm not smoking. I have things I can do, such as homework, etc. However, I find that I wake up and know that I have so many hours to kill, knowing that cigarettes and ashtrays with butts and lighters are strewn about, I just want to smoke! It's a vicious cycle really, whether smokers realize this or not. We smoke because we're unhappy and we're unhappy because we smoke. At least, that's how I feel when I give up on the only goal I have that I can truly attain as of now: To stop smoking.
The past few nights, I've been closing the facility with another smoker. We continuously kept sneaking outside for cigs. Somewhere along the brief minutes of being outside, I tried to get this dude to talk. He was so reserved though. I'm used to smokers just blabbing on about the most comical and mediocre things. I gave up and didn't attempt at making conversation with him again. What I'm getting at is, if I'm around miserable people that frustrate me, how can I attempt to stay clean of cigarettes? I know, someone is going to say read this book or that. Trust me, I'll get to it when the time arrives. As of now, I guess all it takes for me to really take the initiative to stop is to do just that, take initiative.
