I wrote out my letter in my journal as in I wrote it out by hand... no typing. I wrote a goodbye to "mr. cigarette" I am still struggling. It has been 12 hours since my last cigarette. I only half smoked it. I have a 14mg patch on. I think it helps. There are a couple of knots of anxiety attached to this not smoking. I keep wanting to allow myself one more puff, one more cigarette, but one cigarette is too many and yet not enough. I have been fighting an urge ever since I woke up this morning around 5am. It is now 9 a.m. I do have nicotine gum and I may give that a try here in a min. One thing I am trying to do is to stay in a "zen mode". I am trying to calm myself in my mind and telling myself this craving is normal and is healthy in a way. I am okay and I will breathe another minute or two or a thousand. I do have a vape but only mouth sucking on it. It tends to help a little bit. The zen mode is like tuning everything out and just focusing on being healthy. I am trying to tune out my craving, my messed up head feelings because I have relied on smoking for so long. I am having to change all of my lifestyle habits in one go. No caffeine, no coffee, no cigarettes, no more tasty food, no more salt, etc. I have to lose weight and exercise now. I feel like I have to become a different person and to re-wire my mind to do all of this is trying and I am struggling a bit. I am taking one moment at a time. Not one day at a time, but one moment at a time.
I have to do this. I just got out of the hospital because I had chest pain and was spitting up blood. I have atypical pneumonia.
