In a few days I will have ten months back under my belt of being a non-smoker. Yes, I should have more like 8 years under my belt at this point, but a little slip up is not the end of the world. The slip up only happened because I was angry at my soulmate for dying on the floor. I know I can't bring him back nor can I make up for the time that lost over a few lousy smokes. Yes, I didn't smoke entire packs when I blew my days of being a non-smoker. It was a total of three in two days. I was in a state of shock. Anyone that was in my position would have been in the same state of mind. I'm not saying this for sympathy. I am proud of being a non-smoker as I learned to cope without the smoke and mirror. Can I say my life has been perfect since then the answer is "no". I have learned new coping skills and strategies since then that help me through the days of sorrow.
All I am trying to say is find your coping skills and strategies and use them to the best of your ability to get you through the rough patches. There are easy and hard days on this journey called life. It likes to test us every now and then. As for me, I’m facing an anniversary alone in a few days and that is sad. It’s the first time without him and miss him terribly. It’s not a milestone anniversary but I’m unable to tell him how much I miss him. To be a widow is not easy, but we all end up there. I was reading that the average age of widowhood is 59 years old. I was 59 years old when I lost my husband. I didn’t realize I am part of a statistic but it’s okay. I still will remain a non-smoker. He didn’t get to celebrate my 60th birthday last year. Nor did I get to celebrate his 64th birthday either. So many things we started to miss together that he should really be here for.
I am sad but I am strong. Smoking is not part of the element to me. I look at them and get mad for shortening his life. It could have shortened mine as well. There are joys within this silver lining of missing someone you love. I know he has a very powerful place in my heart.
