Good morning! I hope each of you is doing well today.
Yesterday I worked and the morning went very well. Yet, as the day progressed things got rough at work and I got frazzled and overwhelmed. And then, being frazzled, I started making some pretty big mistakes, some of which I caught and fixed and a couple I caught but could not correct. At the end of the day I gave my boss the rundown of my errors and although he seemed slightly impatient he was pretty cool about it all. But the part of my day that is relevant to the Ex is that as my day got "worse and worse" there was this 3 year old inside me that was stomping her feet and saying, "I'm angry. I'm gonna smoke cause this day has sucked. That'll show em." I wasn't mad at anyone but myself and in fact there was a bit of shame over the big mistakes I had made--so makes sense right--let's smoke over this-- NOT!! As I was driving home I found myself saying out loud over and over again, "Man, that was a really bad day." And I actually was thinking a cigarette might really be the answer to soothing my troubled heart. But then, a still small voice in me said, "Raissa, why are you looking at it as such a bad day? Why not look at this day and say, 'Wow. I really learned a lot today and I won't ever make those same mistakes again'. A good, solid day of learning today." The angry 3 year old, pouting under the surface and wanting to act out calmed down somewhat and my urge to buy cigarettes dissipated. Why would I commit self harm by smoking, the mistakes I made weren't catastrophic and I learned a lot. That 3 year old inside of this 60 year old woman can stomp her feet, pout, think about acting out with bad behavior all she wants but she is not the whole me, the Raissa who has learned that I am a worthy, worthwhile woman who does not need to punish myself with cigarettes anymore. In the past I may have looked at smoking as a reward I gave myself, but I know the truth now, it was self harming behavior and I deserve better. I choose Life and I hope you will too. Peace and healing to you, my dear Exers.
