I am hating the monster I'm becoming!!

[lizzysmom]

So when I got home this evening my husband was sitting on the porch. No biggie right? He had a mixed drink but hey even that didn't bother me. But when I kissed him I immediately smelled cigarette and I completely lost it. Y'all I didn't lose my quit but I hauled off and smacked my husband. Why did I do that??? Why are my emotions so incredibly uncontrollable? He has every right to smoke. He's an adult and while he had said he would quit with me he isn't obligated to quit like I am. I am hating the monster that I am becoming. If I don't get a grip I will lose more than this habit. He left and I can't blame him but God it hurts. Smacking him didn't make me feel any better only worse.

[TW517]

You bring back painful memories.  I was a complete jerk in my early quit.  I'm frankly surprised that I didn't lose my wife, job, or any friends.  I kept apologizing, but I'm sure that got old.  No real advice for you, just a few comments.  It truly doesn't last forever (although it seems like it will), the apologies were appreciated (even though I had to keep repeating them), and you are most certainly not alone.  Many of us here went through exactly what you are going through.  Keep posting here all the good and bad.  It helped me just to get it out, whether anyone responded or not.

[autumnpepper]

You have to remember you are pregnant!  You have hormones going nuts all around, and your quiting an addiction on top of that.  Try to remain calm for you and Babycakes.  I'm sure hubby understands but please, please, please take some deep breaths and try to relax. 

Someone shared this earlier and I loved it so I saved it.  It's the inhale, exhale thingy. It's exactly what you need to do.

Take care!  We're in this together!  It's going to get better.

[IrishRose]

I am so proud of you to have put the cancer sticks down, especially with you being pregnant. 

I was like a rattle snake, and I even frightened myself at times.  It comes with the territory.  Your body is going through a lot of different things right now.  All for the good, of course, but difficult to say the least.  You will be ok though.  You will level out.  Things will get better, I promise you that.  Just stay the course. 

My only advice is to count silently to yourself from 1 to 10, slowly, before your react to anything.  At least hubby is smoking outside.  Understand this is your quit, not his.  Hopefully, he will get on board with quitting, but that has nothing to do with you protecting your quit.  You are the role model here, and a very strong one at that, but watch those right-handed curves to the face.    You are awesome for not smoking with your baby growing inside you.  You are already protecting that precious little child, and that should make you a very proud mama!!! 

Gentle (((((hug))))) for you!

Irish Rose    

[Chuck-2-20-2011]

Believe me, I lost my quit many times for this reason. I couldn't even stand to be around myself! I hated the way I dealt with my stress and so many times that became my excuse to begin smoking again. But you didn't! Good for you!! You came here instead. To me that means you're very committed to this quit. I'm sorry it had to happen but know it does get better. We do regain both our sanity and even more than that, there's a love for life like never before because every day that you stay smoke free, you prove to not only yourself, but others around you that you do love life!

 I'm proud of you. My hope is that everything gets a little calmer as the evening progresses. You're doing an incredible job with this!! 

ONWARD TO FREEDOM!!!

Chuck

[elvan]

I hated me too...I couldn't believe how nasty I could be but then I realized that I had been stuffing so many things down that they HAD to come out, it was unfortunate that they came out as explosions.  You can do this, you have a LOT on your plate.  Your husband will forgive you...he wants you and that little one to be as healthy as possible.

Big hugs...keep in mind that WE love you even if you don't particularly love yourself right now.

Ellen

[virgomama]

Well let's see.  You're pregnant and you quit smoking.  I can't think of two more powerful combinations to make you feel a little crazy.  Apologize to your hubby, make some chamomile tea, do some deep breathing and forgive yourself.  Girl you've got this. 

[Daniela2016]

You are just a temporary monster, not a permanent one   I am sure your husband did not know how to handle you, and he walked to let you cool down.  Please be patient with yourself, practice the deep breathing, it saved me so many times I can't even count!  Things will get better, reassure your husband you are doing this for the good of all of you, and tell him you find support here, and maybe he would have the courage to quit too.  You are doing the right thing lady, be proud of yourself.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

You felt betrayed because he was smoking after he said he wouldn't but you also understand you can't be his controller.

Don't carry that anger through your quit. It won't keep you quit. It will be an excuse. Let it go. 

willingness

willingness to live without smoking

It grows on you

time is the healer

[lizzysmom]

After a night of hell and 4 hours of sleep I STILL long to free myself from this addiction. NO MATTER WHAT happens in my life smoking won't make it any better, or any worse (well it might make things worse, but definitely no better) I will come out on top no matter who doesn't believe in me, no matter who doesn't support me, no matter how many people want to see me fall. I will not lose my quit!!! I WILL NOT BELIEVE the LIES that smoking will solve my problems. They are there whether I smoke or not. Tough choices in my life right now, smoking is the least of them; I just have to remember that I can't let cigarettes or demons win. I'm stronger than that!! I'm better than the lies doubt is trying to make me believe. Sunny days are ahead---I don't know when, but I've got FAITH!!!!!!!!!

[Daniela2016]

These are the hardest time you are going through with your quit right now.  It is doing to be better with every day you win.

If other things are taking your attention right now, keep your quit on the back burner, and don't invest so much energy thinking about it.  Look at is as something taking place in your body, tell yourself "I don't do that anymore", and go on with your life.  Don't fight it, either you do it or not, the craves will go away, and you are on your way to become an EX. 

Congratulations!

I think Dale is saying : "it does not take will power, it takes willingness".  Don't fight the monster, tell it, "I am leaving you behind, bye", do a princess wave and forget about it till the next crave.  When that hits, take several deep, cleaning breaths, and tell it the same thing.

[autumnpepper]

Wow you sound great today!  Good resolve.  I love this post!  You're really starting to sound like an ex smoker and that is awesome!  I'm right behind you.  I had one left for today.  I went out to smoke it and could only smoke half.  I didn't even want to finish it.  But I will before the day is through and then, I will be an ex smoker!  I love that!  I'll never smoke again!  I know we will be elders here before you know it.  Good job!  

Stay close, as I will, to make it stick. 

[elvan]

Congratulations autumnpepper‌, congratulations!

lizzysmom  It really is going to get easier and please remember that you and only you own this quit.  You are doing this and we are here cheering you on.  

Ellen

[Pops]

Hi lizzysmom , I'm Pops, and I'm recently back here with 25 Days of Freedom....I have discovered something new in my quit journey, that had been evading my thought process in my many previous rehersals of my final quit.  What I'm speaking of, is happiness.  I find that if I pause and look around for some humor, or something to be grateful for that is in my life @ this very moment....then I can concentrate on that idea or vision as my urge or anger subsides (or just leaves me entirely)....I even have a mantra that I try to live by..."if you aint grinnin'....you aint winnin'!"  Just thought that I might throw that tool your way that I have found to be very helpful.....hang in there, and enjoy the miracle as it is unfolding right inside of your body with each and every urge or angry moment that you live through smokefree!.....

Pops with 25 DOF!

[IrishRose]

lizzysmom‌ , Dale's words are so, so very true, and all of us quitters know the temptation of EXCUSES.  When you quit, those EXCUSES will follow you everywhere. 

Irish Rose   

[IrishRose]

lizzysmom , It's me again.  I read somewhere, a blog you wrote, where you are pregnant, and you have a daughter. 

Be the best role model you can be - protect your quit for your unborn child and your daughter.  I have blamed myself so many times for my daughter's smoking addiction.  Learn from my mistake, and be the best role model you can be.  Protect your quit, and your daughter will not think it's ok or normal to start smoking when she reaches that time in her life when she is exposed to peer pressure of what's cool and what's not.  Be that role model for her. 

You have two beautiful reasons to commit to protecting your quit - your daughter and your unborn child.  If your husband wants to be "WHATEVER", let him go for it.  Do not let him control your choice to be that role model.  Do not let him control your choice to stay smokefree.  Be so very proud of yourself for protecting your quit.  I know I am proud of you, and so is everyone else on this site ! ! !

Gentle ((((hug)))) for you.  It's hard being pregnant; it's hard being a mom; it's really, really hard being a wife; it's hard to do a lot of things in life.  Relish in the fact that you have taken a stand to be the best you can be for yourself and your family!!!!!!! 

Irish Rose    

[lizzysmom]

Thank you. I feel like I will be going back to square one since I have been using a vape off and on to regain some sort of sanity. But I will continue to protect my quit. I just wish it didn't bother me so much that my husband is still smoking and I am not. But I have made a promise to myself and my daughter to quit and not look back so that is what I must do. I have warned her that smoking is not cool, not cute, won't get you popularity points in life, etc so NEVER ATTEMPT IT!!!! I was stupid enough to do so so very long ago and if I could kick myself in the rear for that I most certainly would. Thanks for not giving up on me. Without this site my support system would be non-existent with the exception of my daughter. 

Thanks again

[elvan]

How old is your daughter and when is the baby due?  Quitting is challenging but you certainly have the absolute best incentives.  Your husband is not smoking because he WANTS to, he is smoking because he HAS to...he doesn't realize that.

[IrishRose]

You may get some tough love advice around here, but it is truly just that, tough love.  I doubt there is anyone on this site who does not silently wish they could go back and undo their addiction.  Actually, there are quite a few things I would like to undo in my life besides not smoke if I could go back in time.  hahahaha

My daughter told me about this site.  She wanted to quit smoking, and the most obvious way for me to support her quit was for me to quit too.  Almost 40 years of smoking Winston cancer sticks, and I signed onto this site with a plan to be ready to quit on June 10, 2010, and I did.  My daughter was the strength behind my commitment to never pick up another cancer stick again.  Let me say, if I could quit, I promise, you can do it. 

I fully understand your frustration with your husband, but the loving bond of a mother for her child is so very powerful, and I hope you can realize that power, turn it into the strength you will need to get you through the difficult times you may experience in your quit.  I speak from the heart.

I have learned in my 65 years of life that you can tune someone out, how they affect your actions, just like a radio.  Just turn the knob to another channel to tune them out (in your mind).  It takes practice, but it is actually fun to do, especially when the person you are tuning out does not even realize that you are doing so.  I am not advocating you ignore your husband, but your health is yours.  Your quit is yours.  Do not let his actions/words sway you into an EXCUSE to go backwards.  You can love someone, but tune them out when it comes to certain things, most importantly, protecting your quit.  I do it all the time with my second husband, but for other reasons.  Just because you want to protect your health and the health and welfare of your kids does not mean that you have to love your husband any  less.  Husbands can be a pain in the butt, and you can just tune him out if he wants to act out.  Stand your ground.  If he does not want to quit, oh well, it is his loss of a healthy life, not yours and not your children.  Second hand smoke is just as bad.

Enough of my advice for the night.   You just remind me of myself when I was 27 years old, pregnant and frustrated too.

Hang in there.  I love your attitude going into your quit, because it will help you along the way.  As each day passes, it gets easier and easier to stay clear of the cancer sticks.  That I promise you.  There are so many people on this site who will come to your aid when you need a helping hand on this beautiful journey free from such a horrible addiction.

I am a hugger, so here is my gentle ((((hug)))) for you this night!

Love,

Irish Rose   

[elvan]

IrishRose‌ You are a sweetheart!  I'd like to add a hug to yours.

Ellen

[lizzysmom]

IrishRose‌, THANK YOU SO VERY MUCH FOR YOUR WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT!!! You have no idea what this means to me. My husband is not my sole controller, although if you ask him he would have a very different opinion in the matter---HAhaha! My eleven year old daughter is seeing this quit I'm going through. She might think I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown and for her my quit is more for the well-being of her future sibling than it is for me, but that's okay. I hope that she will be just as protective when her sibling is born as she is being now. The quit is so much more than letting go of my addiction. It's learning all over again or maybe for the first time how to handle life in a sense. Something that I have to admit I don't know much about. I have done things in my life that I wish I could change, but with each day that God grants me I have a chance to make changes. How those changes will look in my story are up to me. 

I think the hardest part of my struggle is not having support of my husband, but when I close my eyes and reflect I have not had much support from him in the darkest days. I have been his support more than I probably should, but it hasn't been reciprocated very often. I told my daughter numerous times even through tears of battling this addiction to NEVER try a cigarette. They are liars!! If anyone tells her anything good comes from smoking they don't know jack squat. I told her that it won't win her popularity points, it won't help her to lose weight, it won't help her to solve problems or deal with stress any better; the list goes on and on. I lost my mother when I was 18 years old; 15 years ago. I was a rebellious teenager and I have so many regrets on time I lost with her because I was too stupid and selfish to see the bigger picture. My pain is deep---and sometimes I don't ever think I will get over it, but I have to keep trying anyway. 

I have taken advice of many elders and have simply fallen to my knees and asked God to help me through my cravings. I honestly don't know what else to do. Drinking juice, cutting caffeine out, drinking ice cold water, chewing straws, sucking on mints, chewing gum--none of it helps as much as my prayers. I think when we turn to HIM at our lowest points in life is when He reveals Himself the most in this world. After my cravings subside as often as they may come, I praise Him for helping me through it.

As I've said before, I'm in this quit alone, but I am so thankful for the connections I have made on this site, tough love or not. I thank you for being supportive and encouraging. You don't know me, you don't have to try and help me, but I thank you for taking time out of your day to do so.

Big Hugs and much love to you my friend!!!

~Allison

[lizzysmom]

elvan‌, my daughter is eleven and my baby is due in early May. I developed pre-eclampsia when I was pregnant with her, so I'm terrified. I wasn't trying to get in this state again, but I wasn't doing anything to prevent it either. I just felt like after 11 years my baby days were over.

My husband is a butt---I tell him to his face that he is my curse than I'm in love with. Some days I don't even know why I allow myself to go through the anguish he causes me, but that's another topic entirely. He had a rough life as a child and was abandoned in more ways than one, so the thought of me leaving him makes me feel like I will just be another one throwing him away. He's depressed, but is macho and doesn't feel like talking about his feelings will do any good, so he self medicates with control, smoking, drinking, etc. 

I understand that this is an addiction for him---he has several, but I want to smoke and I am CHOOSING NOT TO--even if it's minute by minute, even if I cry and get angry and feel like I'm crawling out of my skin, I am choosing to say NO with every crave. He has reverted to smoking in the bathroom; I'm thankful that he is isolating his smokes to one area of the house, but he said last night that he will be glad when God takes him. He lost his brother a year ago to a brutal murder and I think it's really shaken his already shaky faith and outlook on life. I think it hurts me most because he isn't supportive of me and my quit by continuing to smoke, but he said we would likely kill each other if we both tried to quit at the same time. I'm hoping that through my quit he will have the courage to one day do the same. 

[lizzysmom]

And I'm on his health insurance, something that is imperative for me in this time in my life right now, so I can't just walk away...not right now anyway. 

[Daniela2016]

Oh Allison, I am sorry your life is at cross-roads, and supporting your husband is also something you have to do, on top of raising your daughter, raising another baby in yourself, and quitting smoking.  If anything he should be supporting you at this time.  But life is not what it should be, it is not fair, and we have to walk our own journey the best we can.  I understand your fight between your "freedom" from under your his control, and the fear of being alone with 2 kids.  I also understand you would not do that to him, knowing his difficult past, and feeling you have to be there for him at this time. 

But somehow, you'll have to learn to put yourself first, and your unborn baby, and let the family dynamics revolve around that.  You need to make him understand how important quitting is for you, the unborn baby, and of course for your daughter!

Your vaping from time to time should not take you back to day one.  I used vaping as a quit aid, decreasing the level of nicotine in the juice, I think till day 42.  At that time I came here, and learning as much as I could about the addiction, I made the decision to stop even vaping.  But I did not turn the clock back, to me my quit day will always be imprinted in my memory as 03/11/2016 being free of cigarettes.  Quitting aids are being acceptable, for as long as they do just that, keep you away from smoking, and before they become an addiction to Nicotine on their own.

Big hugs, you are doing a great thing for you and everyone around you lizzysmom‌!

[lizzysmom]

Daniela2016‌, thank you for your words of encouragement and for not making me feel like I'm a horrible person. Trust me, I get that enough on a daily basis.  I don't want to do anything to hurt my child. Everything I'm reading says Nicotine alone is bad for a fetus. I know that doctor's and articles have my best interest at heart and even more so the interest of the child I'm carrying, but they don't know my life just like I don't know theirs. 

I am only using the vape when I feel like I can't deal with life as it goes on a daily and I still have a strong desire and HOPE of BEING COMPLETELY NICOTINE FREE!!!!

One thing that I realized after stopping smoking and being around my husband who continues to smoke is how nasty I smelled as a smoker. I had a sweatshirt on last night around him smoking and I couldn't bear wearing it this chilly morning. I may have mentioned that in a previous comment, so if I did please forgive me for repeating myself.

Hugs and I'm thankful for the friendship I have in you.

[Daniela2016]

Ha, the smell, the stink.  I have been going to a PT place for a little while now; I love every one who works there, and one of the therapists is a chiropractor.  He is only 30 and chews tobacco.  He does not have to tell me, when he steps in the common area where we stretch or use one of the machines, the air changes.  He is a young and handsome man, dad to 2 3 years old twins,  and probably a very good practitioner.  But I am dreading the moment I have to step in a treatment room with him, knowing I get even more of the stink.  The same happens to one of the managers at work.  Why is chewing tobacco a man's thing?  I don't think I ever met a woman who's doing it.  And of course, I can smell the smoke on the clothing of our very few smokers left at work.

And Allison, I am happy if I can help just a little bit your journey to freedom, take care, and keep doing what you do, you are heading in the right direction dear lady!

[elvan]

lizzysmom  I just want you to know that as you hate this monster you are becoming...we are seeing someone entirely different from who you are seeing.  We are seeing a compassionate and loving and kind young woman who is on a really challenging journey.  I had my first child when I was 21 and my last child when I was 40...there is one in between and I also miscarried between the last two.  You are doing a wonderful thing for yourself, your daughter, and this new baby.  My husband has his challenges and certainly has added some challenges to my life but, you know what?  I ADORE my kids and I wouldn't give them up for anything or anyone.  I remember when they were really young and he said to me..."You always put the kids first."  I just looked at him and I said, "Yeah, your point?"  My kids always came first, it was and it is the way I am built.  I think this "monster" you are becoming is your addiction trying to convince you that you cannot live without it.  It's WRONG.  You CAN live without it and you ARE living without it.  You have three incredibly valuable lives in your hands right now...yours, your daughter's, and this new miracle!

I am really proud of you and you are NOT doing this alone...there are a whole lot of us here who will do anything we can to help you.

Hugs,

Ellen

[lizzysmom]

elvan‌, Thank you for seeing my potential even if I can't see past the terrible moments I am enduring right now. You brought me to tears, but they are tears of joy knowing that I'm doing something right even if it feels all wrong.

Hugs to you,

Allison

[elvan]

Hugs right back to you...you are not a monster...you are a MOTHER!

Ellen

[elvan]

lizzysmom‌ I bought this mug for my daughter last year for Christmas...I notice she left it here, LOL.  I would have bought one for EACH of my kids but they didn't have three...thought you might smile.

Hugs...

[virgomama]

A suggestion given to me to deal with the smell of your partner smoking is to put vicks under your nose.  A small suggestion given what you're going through, but it may help at least that part of things.   I hope things settle for you soon.

[lizzysmom]

Thank you virgomama. Any suggestion will help! I hate the smell, but I think that I hate that it makes my cravings more intense even more  I feel like a zombie in the movies after human flesh except I'm after a cigarette when I smell it....ugh  

[elvan]

Well, unlike the zombies...this too shall pass.  It really will become less and less of a temptation as your commitment grows and it IS growing!

[JonesCarpeDiem]

The vicks is more of a "reminder." It actually tingles as it smells

[IrishRose]

I had one child just before my 27th birthday. 

I was like Scarlet O'Hara in Gone with the Wind.  Only difference, she was in a field pulling a potato from the ground as she said, "As God is my witness,  I will never go hungry again."  I was in front of the hospital, just outside its doors saying, "As God is my witness, I will never have a kid again." 

I had what they called a dry birth.  My water broke at home, and I was in labor for 12 hours once I got to the hospital.  That was no fun what-so-ever.  My mom was there fanning me, cheering me on during those 12 hours.  I told my husband to get the h@#! out of the room, because I wanted him to knock me out with a hammer so the pain would stop, and he was more annoying than a help to me.  hahahahahaha 

Irish Rose 

[elvan]

IrishRose‌ My first was born over 16 hours after my water broke (in my aunt's antique velvet chair).  It was a long and rough labor and she was a forceps delivery.  I promised myself that I wouldn't have another until she was old enough to babysit...she was 15 when her brother was born and a month and a half from being 20 when her sister was born.  

[virgomama]

I understand lizzysmom.  I have been triggered more than once by my partner's smoking.  I've even gotten pretty snippy about it, because they just don't realize how hard it is.  I lost my last quit giving in to that urge.  But not this time.  Do anything.  Walk, go somewhere else, chew gum, take a bath/shower, call a friend, anything but pick up that cigarette.  You can do this.  It's your quit.  Own it and keep going forward..We're here for you.

Cindy

[virgomama]

You certainly stuck to your guns elvan.     LOL!

[Daniela2016]

My labor lasted 24 hours; the water did not really broke, just the gelatinous cork, but despite the contractions, I was not dilating on time.  They put the line with Oxytocin, I don't even know if that is used anymore, and eventually my big headed son decided to come out to this world.  After such long labor I did not expect him to start crying while only his head was out, but I guess he was as impatient as me to be over with

[elvan]

Daniela2016‌ I had an oxy drip with BOTH of my girls because my labor stopped with both of them...my son was born 20 minutes after we got to the hospital so it was FAST!  My husband had given our daughter quarters for the vending machines and there was a pay phone in the waiting room...hahaha, a PAY phone.  She was calling her friends and eating junk food when he came out and told her she had a brother...she said, "WHAT. ALREADY?" 

[Daniela2016]

Yes, elvan I heard is so much easier with the second, third kid, but our life turned drastically, we had no support system in place anywhere we've been after we left our family behind, and decided to have Sebastian only.  Good thing he never complained for being the only child, I would have felt guilty if he did.  I, on the other hand, would have loved to have siblings, if for nothing else, at least for splitting responsibility caring for our elder parents.  I am exhausted, more than I was ever when I had a baby, and worked full time...

[elvan]

Daniela2016‌ I worked full time too...it was not easy with two little ones.  My THIRD was no easier than my first...I think it's because they are GIRLS.  

My youngest sister had most of the responsibility for my mother, not because the rest of us did not volunteer but Mom refused to leave where she was living and it was the same town and state my sister lives in.  I can only imagine how hard it has to be for you.  My sister was not working but she had three kids and a very demanding husband.  I wish I could have helped her more...I did have Mom come to visit but she was always ready to go back.  

Loving hugs,

Ellen