I’m 24 days into my quit and I’ve realized, or rather, I’m finally able to admit a truth that I vehemently denied when I was smoking.
“I smoke because I want to” is a lie I told myself from age 13 all the way to 40. Sure the choice to smoke or not to smoke has always been there but to continue to smoke year after year was the prison I was building for myself. One I could die in if I CHOSE to.
I used excuses that said smoking is my me time, it’s my way to step away from the needs of others and do what I enjoy. My kids get what they want, my husband does what he wants, this is what I want. This is freedom.
What a load of manure.
Freedom is not having to smoke to enjoy those moments of peace when all the chores are done and I can hear my own thoughts. It’s not relying on a crutch when I’m blue or very angry. It’s having the time energy and money to treat myself when I want something. Honestly, the energy to think past the addiction to find out what else I might actually want.
Freedom is not agonizing over wanting to quit, the fear I won’t be able to, the fear it will kill me … or worse, not kill me and I’ll have to live struggling for each breath, a trach box, cancer pain, surgeries, and on and on and on. The agony, fear, guilt.. shame. “Freedom to smoke”, wanting it, choosing it, is the cloak I hid behind to say I wasn’t scared of those things, didn’t care what other people thought, I smoked because I wanted to.
The only part that’s accurate was the choice. The choice had always been there. But seeing through the lies I’ve told myself and believed means the better choice is easier to make. It’s a no brainer in fact.
Reality now says Freedom is having a clearer mind. There are plenty of other things to worry about and focus on. So many things to celebrate and hearty reasons to really enjoy those moments when the chores are done and everyone is cared for. Myself included more than ever.
Thanks for reading.
