I almost had it but I had to take one draw and now here I am again!

[angel7]

3 weeks ago I set out to quit smoking. I informed my hubby and my kids that I was going to stop this horrible habit, I was tired of spending that much money on something that cost me more health wise then it ever gave me. The rationalization sounded good. My desire was right. On Saturday I awakened with the plan of quitting in my mind. I had smoked my last cigarette at 10 pm the night before. by 10 am I was a basket case. I spent the next 3 hours in a trembly, disorganized bundle of tears. Everything set me off, from the smallest of things. I decided to get my mind off the urge by cleaning. That would have worked had anyone else in my home been on the same page with me. Instead I got looks of shock when I flew off the handle because no one seemed to care that I was going nuts and they were a contributing factor. I would ask for help or tell the kids to do something and got ignored and eyes rolled at. Hubby who was also quitting was walking around the property as if he had no clue what my deal was this was as easy as pie. Keep in mind he works all day in a place he cannot smoke, he is used to having somethign to keep his mind occupied. I however am a SAHM of 3. I can clean till the sun don't shine but if you are donig it alone nad no one appreciates the effort why bother?
by 3 pm I was a weeping mess in my bathroom floor. Everything was shaking like a leaf and my mom, who had also quit cold turkey over 20 years ago came over. She began by working in my room with me and helping me pack things up that were hers. She recently sold her house and moved in behind us, with her she brought 50+years of accumulation including over 700 antiques. My idea was EBAY umm yeah that so is not working. Anyway by 6 pm I was a basket case.I sat at my computer on my site cafemom attempting to journal and finding that nothing worked anymore. I have always had fingers faster then my brain so often enough I misspell the simple words like the come out t-e-h. what I was met with were fingers that I could no longer control and a face and brain that were numb. I mean literally numb. I was afraid I was having a stroke. Nothing seemed to work suddenly not even thought processes. I could not get my brain to process a complete sentence let alone type it out. My thoughts , though I have ADD , were even more flighty then ever before.
that is when it happened. My hubby who I know was trying to help me, looked me in the eye and said "Honey you cannot sit here like this, take a draw. You don't have to smoke a whole cigarette, but you can wean off of them, go down slowly cause this is driving you and everyone else crazy." So I did. I mean I had not failed one draw was just one draw. Considering up until yesterday I was a 2 - 21/2 pack a day smoker I had gone nearly 20 hours without ANY form of nicotine. I lit one up and immediately was overwhelmed with the nastiness of the taste. This was a good thing right, I mean we find it easier to break off from something that our body so clearly tells us is nasty. 2 draws was enough, I was half nauseated. I quickly butted it out and put it in the ashtray I had to drag out of the drawer. I had done everything right, hidden the cigarettes, cleaned all the ashtrays and put them out of sight, emptied all the trash with the butts. By the end of the night I had finished that cigarette, one wretched draw here and there at a time. The next day we went to church. I did not smoke anything when I got up or all the way there. but upon arrival I realized that this was about the time the day before that I had gone nuts and I so did not want to do that here. I lit one up to split with hubby, using the rationale that it was only for my nerves and to not loose it in church. What I should have done is gone to the altar and gotten prayed over. Had some individuals with like minded faith stand in agreement with me. Looking back I wish now I had done just that. That day I smoked 2 cigarettes, again not all at once, a draw here and there.
I find myself 3 weeks later back in the pit of addiction. Frustrated and angry at myself for giving in to that urge. Knowing that what I should have done is get up and walk around, get away from the thought, grabbed my bible and read Psalm 91 out loud , the very thing that got me through my panic attacks before. I had trusted God and his strength then, why can I not do it now??
I did not slide back in immediately. First it was an ashtray in the bathroom, figuring if I had to get up to smoke I would do it less. Till I found myself cleaning int he bathroom just to smoke again. I went from a puff here and there back to a total cigarette. then another, finally bringing an ashtray in the living room and by my puter.
I have sat here the last 4 days realizing that I don't smoke that many cigarettes, I burn up that many cigarettes. If I get 3 puffs off one it is a miracle. I light them take a draw and then lay them down allowing them to burn up . I may pick it up again and get one more draw. then I find myself lighting another cause I did not get to smoke that one and doing the exact same thing.
I can and will beat this. I will lay them down and not give in to that urge, I will walk, or sleep or sing or exercise. I do not want to replace one habit for another, so even though I have the nicotine replacement things in the cabinet for me that is an oxymoron.
I will win and so will my hubby. I will have a smoke free house. I find myself buying tons of airfresheners now cause I can smell it when I walk into the home. I don't like the smell anymore. I don't like the taste. I will win this I just know it... with the right help and support..

[jan__tx]

Maybe you need to get some help w/your quit..I used Chantix for one month..it helped so much! I too have ADD and I know I could not have quit cold turkey w/o some kind of aide to stop.

[Sandra3]

I used the patch for the first two days and then I forgot to put it on on the third and when I realized it, I just decided I didn't need it. Maybe try that for a while to get you over the initial first few days or weeks?

[joni]

Oh girl You have ben through the ringer on this quit... You really need to get some help... Take Jans advice and get some chantix.. It worked for me.. I would have been a wreck like you if it wasnt for chantix. I smoked for over 25 yrs 2 pack a day. I couldn't do it alone. I am very thankful for the chantix.. I am a smoke free person now for 252 days.. I own this quit and so will you.. Good Luck to you!!!!!!!!!!!

[michael45]

to me this is the most helpful blog on any of the support sites....
I once quit for 2 years.... then I had a smoke at a bar... then one more a week later....
I became a smoker again for another 6 years until this quit.... been 4 1/2 months....
I will never have even ONE PUFF!!!
thanks for sharing....

[ligia]

I have been quit for almost 3 months and my advise is to read the book"The easy way to quit smoking". I personally do not believe in replacement products like patches or gum or drugs. You wouldn't let a recovering alcoholic drink just one beer instead of his usual 20 beers would you? Read the book by Allen Carr. The man is no longer with us but he was here for a reason. It worked for me.

[nory]

I highly recommend the patch, it has done great for me, i am only on my sixteenth day, but im feeling great, kinda scared when im done with the program, how my bodies gonna react to nnnoooo nicotine at all, but by then i hope it is better all the way around, These stinkaretes are like an abusive man, or woman, they will eventually kill you, so dont let them. I just had surgery, for bladder cancer, thanks to the almighty cigarette, dont let it win, because it is nothing but a killer. Good Luck.