I allowed fear and life to take me back into the hell of addiction........

[ali2]

The past 2 weeks have been hell for me. There has been one thing after another in my life that has cauased me pain. I think the most painful thing for me was dealing with my kitty having surgery to have 6 tumors removed. My cats are my world since I never had children. There were so many things wrong with the Vet and ANGER was a huge emotion that came up and I reacted. I came here to write a blog prior to picking up and then .......dam it, I had to leave the house. Needless to say, it did not take long before I picked up since I never reached out. I had 50 odd days and never thought I was going to smoke again. I was devastated that I smoked and that false pride is what kept me smoking. YUP, I felt like am loser and why bother. I had all that same attitude back. it did not even take long to be thinking like a smoker again. BUT I had this knawing feeling in my gut knowing it was just not ok because I had gone too long without smoking. I had recovery and I could not smoke without the guilt of it.

My kitty was not the only situation but this is not the type of forum to discuss them. All of his tumors are cancerous. The only good news is that since I did have them removed despite the Vet saying they are probably nothing and I could just watch them????? They got all the tissue around them so he does not HAVE cancer. BUT the b ad news is, they are the type of tumors that keep coming back. He could get one more or 100 more. She reassured me they got every single one off. That same evening I found another one on his belly. I was so filled with emotion. BUT I knew I had to be a grown up and take care of him. When I called them and they said I needed to bring him in and they were actually going to charge me to look at it after it wassss their mitake for not even taking it off while he already went thru hell thru this surgery? I told them to fax his entire file and oncology report to the animal hospital and he now has a new Vet. I also knew at that moment....I had to stop screwing around with my own life because I am resposible for others as well as for myself. I also thought that I could really only smoke a few days and then put them right day! PFTTTTTTTTTTTTTT...........WHAT A LIE! I really did believe that. Well over a weel or so later I am just as addicted as before. LESSON LEARNED!

So I am feeling the hell of withdrawal and it sucks. But I am not going to put another friggen cancer stick in my mouth again! I have felt like hell from all this as well. Coffee and Cigg breakfast has been just great! GROSS! My stomach has paid the price, my heart and who knows if any damage. My lungs hurt and this addiction is a bitch. I cannot believe I fell into those lies.

Anyway, I am done with them.......as of 630 PM lastnight. I could use some support because I am feeling pretty dam down. Things in my life are not going well right now and they are not going to change with a smoke. I already know that. But if you pray, I could use some prayers for me and my kitties. My cat has a cone on and may have to have this major surgery again and I am financially bankrupt. His other surgery was 1200 and I am doing odd jobs even with my bad back. So I am back for good and could just use a lot of support from my friends as well as old timers. Like I said, I do not need to be lectured or degraded, .....I already did that part.

Thank you for taking the time to listen.


Ali

[Sylvia_Deitz]

Well, you just hang in there and don't smoke. You know you have lots of friends on here who really care about you and want you to succeed.

[Sylvia_Deitz]

Well, Ali, you know you can count on me to say prayers for you and your kitty! I'm so sorry you have to suffer all the ills and condemnation of relapsing, but knowing what you know now, will surely make it easier to stay smoke free in the future. Your kitty looks just like my Morrie. I understand the love you have for yours, because I am a cat person, too. I lost my other one a little over a month ago and it still makes me choke up when I'm reminded of her. I pray you can keep yours a good long time! You just weren't grounded enough in your quit to have so many bad things happen. I know it's when the old nicodemon screams at you, "What's the use?...Life sucks, anyway!" You just have to make up your mind that whatever happens, including death, that you will not ever smoke again.

[ali2]

thank you guys. with your words and help I got thru today. I had to drive by the same store and I was withdrawing and my body wanted the nicotine badly but my head yelled NOOOOOOOOOOOO WAYYYYYYYY! This addiction is a whole buch of lies and I need to be extremely vigilant right now. I also need to make sure I am only hanging with healthy people. I have had some pretty screwed up things occur recently and I need to take the control back of my life and start living it in a healthy, positive manner.

[Susan24]

Hi Ali. My cats are my kids too because (same as you) I do not have have children. I'm only into my 2nd week of smoke free but I've already wondered how I would react if something happened to one of them. I think I may smoke too. My male cat was diagnosed with a heart problem when he was 7. I was devastated - cried for days - thought he would be dead within a few months. Well, here we are 7 years later and he is now 14 and doing well. His heart disease has gotten worse and it will kill him someday, but I long ago learned to stop worrying about when that day comes. Still, if that day is tomorrow I don't know if I will turn to a cigarette or not. The important thing is that you are back here and trying again.

[ali2]

you are so right Sylvia.

[spunkie]

Ali I am so proud of you with all you have on you ... YOU knew to come back here and throw the cigs out WTG
You know it takes a lot of heart to Blog like you just did and just keep on Blog and letting your friends know how you are we all care.. remember take all your life problems STEP BY STEP not all at once like we all do we all know it doesn't work we just become overwhelmed and STRESSED and then our additive side jumps up at us and we want a smoke ... well no more from now on as life keeps tossing you problems you are going to handle them one by one and Blog, write your friends anything but let the addition win .. You do not want to be a slave to anything we are God children and he is our only master. I am so glad Kitty is doing this good but will pray he doesn't have to have another surgery. I will be praying for you and remember to keep in touch with me I care and know you are over loaded you need a ear I am here always ((((( HUGS )))))

[dawn4]

Ali:

Thank you for sharing. It's difficult to admit when we relapse, but deception, lying, hiding are part of an addicts disease, so your honesty with yourself and your support network is really a positive. I'm sorry that you are having a rough time right now....but as you said, reverting to cigarettes really doesnt make the stress any better. Please know that we are here for you. and I will pray for you and your kitties. God bless you.

[cheryl-derrick]

I will pray for you too. This is just a rough spot right now and it wont last, it will pass. You will do great because you know where your support is. I have always said Gods timing is perfect, all the other quits were practice for right now. Dont beat yourself up because there may have been more you needed to learn for this time. Use it to your advantage. You are strong and brave. You can do it again like you did before. I hope your kitty gets better and will be praying.

[cristal]

Ali,
So sweet your Kitty. sending angels to watch over you and your loved ones.
Keep on sharing how you feel until it passes and it will I know. You can do this and if you pray just ask your Higher power to give you the desire to stay stopped and to remove the obsession.
Sorry I haven't been available...I have had surgery and been pretty sick.
Love,
Ro!!

[sara-lee]

Oh, we and our animals!!! i will say prayers for your little darling!! Anger is a big demon for me to fight too!!!
for me...one of the biggest, right up there with Self-belittling...see isn't my first attempt at stop smoking,
and when i fail...well...Good ole self loathing moves right on in, and next is Anger.
keep on trying! God Bless!!

[JoAnne5-14-2008]

Ali. I am really sorry to hear that you are struggling with circumstances in life as well as your spirit. I do believe that deep down you want to stay smoke free, but the hardest part for you is to know your own strength. Let me briefly tell you my tragedy. I quit smoking in May, 2008. 2 months later on July, 8, 2008, I received the most traumatic news of my whole entire life. It was a lovely, Sunday afternoon. I had gone to Sunday School and to Church like I do every Sunday. We had communion, since it was the first Sunday of the month. I get home, relaxing on this beautiful Sunday afternoon. I had just saw both of my grandchildren the day before (Saturday). They came from Georgia to visit. I live in Alabama. Anyway, that beautiful Sunday turned out to be the most devasting of my life when I receive a knock at my door, telling me that my daughter-in-law had been in a car accident on their way back home and that my 3 year old grand daughter had been killed. I couldn't believe it. The phone started ringing and my son, who didn't make the trip to AL with his wife and children told me that he had gotten a call from the hospital saying that his wife was there and that his daughter was deceased. This was tragic. I tell you this just to say that when this happend, I was almost 2 months of being smoke free. But, I did not even think about picking up a cigarette to ease my pain. I had made up my mind 2 months earlier that I was ready to quit and nothing was going to make me pick up another cigarette. I have been smoke free for over a year now. Circumstances and things in life will happen when we least expect them to. Ali, try to turn to something else to comfort your spirit. Because when you pick up that cigarette to comfort you, it doesn't. The guilt of doing so will eat you up. I'm praying that you will decide within yourself that you want to stay smoke free, no matter what. I'm praying for you and your cat also. I am here when you need me.

[terry-morache]

Ali the important thing is that you are reaching out now. I know you are the best mom to your baby. I am glad that you are back on the wagon and that you have learned from what has happened. All this will make you stronger this is my 6th quit. I fully understand. I will keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

[edith2]

Hey Ali! Thank you for inviting me to read your blog. I lost my beloved Sam Wise(Sammy) two weeks ago. He got nailed by a car in the parking lot of where I live. I had no money to take him to the vet, so I did everything I could to keep him comfortable, hoping he'd recover because I had a cat years ago that did recover. I didn't have the heart to dispose of him in the garbage, so I got a shovel from my work and buried him in a flower bed. I have one cat left (Moma), and she is great company.
Ali, I have been through so many hardships in my life, I've lost count. But you can't let people, places, or things stop you from your goal to quit smoking. Life goes on.

[lisamo]

Hello!! Just read your story....glad your not giving up on quitting! my husband Willie had to decide to put down his beloved dog of 10 yrs last Sunday. ZoZo, a yellow lab, scared of her own shadow, who worshipped the ground he walked on, and was so bummed whenever he'd leave town (and she was stuck with me) She got really sick, unable to walk, it was horrible, misdiagnosed, and then gone in 4 days. Willie didn't pick up as he quit cigs almost 3 yrs ago come new years, i thought about it but never did get around to it....I'm not an animal lover, as i love my Grandbabies, and JoAnne, Gosh, thank you for sharing your story....Must have been an ache so deep, so wrong.....
Ali, when I saw a blog invite from "Ali" I just assumed it was a friends 9 yr old daughter...then i saw it was you! I did ck on you once to see if you still had a counter going and you did....and you will again!! The Pictures you have compiled are AMAZING The butterflies and peace signs and God, I LOVE them all. So This time your site looks great so keep it going....Progress not perfection...Have you joined the "Ageless Wisdom" group here on Become an Ex?? I Love It so much! I love you too...don't be a stranger....Love, Lisamo

[thom]

Ali, I'm so sorry to hear about your cat and those problems. I cannot believe that that vet would want to charge you for missing a tumor after you had paid all that. Of course you're prayed for. It occurs to me that when you really, really try to quit smoking it takes a lot of energy and if I were going through that I'd be quite angry at me and the rest of the world and especially the Pall Mall people. Is there a way you can use that anger and energy? I know that if K get really angry and have energy (which isn't often) there's nothing I can't think I can't do. Pound nails, PULL nails, anything except light a cigarette. It's so difficult, I've seen several friends try to quit. My friend Judy sat with me having a coffee the other day and told me that she's down to 2 cigarettes a day. Well, she smoked three while she was with me. somebody's playing a gaaaaaaaame, and nobody wins. You can do it. I don't even know you, but I can tell you, you can do it. Instead of lighting up, grab one of your "kids" and tell him/her how much love you have AND that you promise you'll do your best to take care of them. Ali, then need us. I believe my baby Llasa needs me. Without that I don't know what I'd do (or what she'd do either, I've spoiled her so much.). Next time you smoke, I'm gonna getcha anyway, so there.