I Think I'm Quitting This Quit

[minihorses]

*** Sorry, this is a long blog but it has to be to get my point across

Hi everybody. Yesterday marked DavesTime, Jimbone and my 2 1/2 years quit celebration.  Now I'm ready to throw in the towel and stuff nicotine into my body again through vaping. I've gained a ton of weight and I'm miserable. Even as a teenager I was never able to lose more than 20 pounds no matter what 'diet' I was on or how much I exercised. In high school my gym class was aerobics at least one semester every year and I went to Jazzercise twice a week.  My mom who is 5' 2" and 125 pounds lost 8 pounds from Jazzercise alone, my friend lost 10 pounds, and I lost 0 lbs. Six months of aerobics every day and twice per day on gym days to lose absolutely nothing!! I also walked or rode my bike everywhere unless I was with my boyfriend who drove. I've always been large unlike the rest of my family. 

In 2007 I had gastric bypass surgery. It was horrible to recover from and I would want to throw up if I ate too much or the wrong type of food. BUT my weight went from 270 to 120 lbs. For the first time in my life I looked great, felt good, and had confidence in myself. I was strong and my blood pressure went back to a normal range, and my veins were easy to find for blood draws. My doctor even complained that I was too skinny! All of my life the doctors complained that I was too fat. I wore size 10s whereas before the surgery I wore size 3 XL, 4 XL (22-24 or 26 28) clothing. 

I had a knee dislocation in 2014 and even after massive surgery in 2015 and physical therapy I stayed the same.  When I quit smoking right before this quit and my weight went up 17 pounds in 7 months. I was able to lose 8 lbs. but I was smoking again. This quit I have gained about 85 lbs. back. of what I lost after surgery. Now I'm fat, I look like hell, I feel like hell, I'm back into having to buy huge clothing, I won't leave my house because I I can't wear a bra because my skin underneath keeps breaking out in infections, I have no muscle tone (I literally can't get off the floor), I sweat all the time, my blood pressure is high again, I'm severely depressed and my psychiatrist is trying desperately to find a antidepressant combination that will help. I've lost interest in my mini horse for two years and she's alone which is detrimental to her as horses are herd animals. I don't even know what kind of condition she's in.  I've been thinking of selling her. 

So I know those may seem like stupid reasons but I spent 12 years of hell with wanting to throw up or throwing up BUT the good health, confidence, looking good, wanting to participate in life, being able to raise some ducks, get and ride full size horse, be with my mini mare and just be happy. I don't want to light up again so vaping is my only other choice. Yes I'll die a horrible death but I don't know anyone that went peacefully in their sleep. Death is messy no matter how you live. 

I consider this site like an AA meeting so I came here to have my 'sponsors' help me out. Throw me a life saving ring or jacket. I'm praying I last through this test of my quit!

Thanks for listening.

Julie

[10YearsQuit]

Hi Julie,

This is a temporary trigger brought on by an old emotion/feeling that you tied to smoking! Stop listening to the voices and snap out of it. If you want a different result redirect your thoughts! 

[indingrl]

Julie - thanks for sharing and YOU already know vaping isnt a solution to weight gain and your psychiatrist with your help will be able to find the root cause as to your eating disorders - I am still gaining and losing and gaining weight too - I was 275 pounds in 2010 and I am 230 pounds now and I bounced in between weight throughout the YEARS too 220 pounds to 177 pounds - I been fighting weight battles all MY life to sweet Julie - I have just come to accept I pray to eat healthy and do the best I can and I EXercise walking DVD with Leslie Sansone since 2010 at 275 pounds I could only move for 2 minutes - Leslie challenge was to get up and just move a little each day for 30 days so I did and I walk 3 miles each day today I started out to move and reach 1 mile for 30 days and then 2 miles 30 days and 3 miles 30 days - Please know it is VERY VERY hard work for ME to eat moderation and SURRENDER MY addictions to MY Daddy God and please know I can just EAT all the time - I use food  to EXscaping MY feelings with TONS of foods - SOOOOOOO -  I had to get professional HELP in 1988 and now just for TODAY -  I just live at weighing 230 pounds and constant prayer and EXercising and praying and - I prayed for you sweet Julie - maybe just TRY praying and taking care of you - asking psychiatrist to give you NEW ways of coping with FEELINGS - I HOPE that I helped a little. - sweatheart Julie - I am glad YOU shared and CONGRATS as a 2 and half years as a NON SMOKER 

[YoungAtHeart]

I know you know this - but nicotine is not the answer to ANY question!  There is never a good reason to use it; there are only excuses.  STOP thinking that it will solve your problems - I guarantee that it won't.

I would first talk to your doctor about your inability to lose weight.  There MUST be a medical reason.  Nicotine is never the answer (gosh, did I already say that?  - sorry!).

It seems to me that your outlook (and life) will improve when you get the depression under control.  It feels to me as though a lot of your issues have their roots in that.

I don't know if you can now exercise at all after your knee problem, but even if you just do a little each day, I know you will feel better, mentally AND physically.  You may or may not actually lose pounds, but you WILL be healthier if you do even a bit each day.

I wish I were a doctor and I could give you advice on the physical aspects of your mental pain.  You do need to give one a chance, though.

Please don't give up and give in to the addict within.  It was never the answer, nor is it now.

I hurt for you and with you.  I am glad you came to us and shared, and hope even that lifted a bit of the burden you are feeling.

Sending a hug to comfort you,

Nancy

[SuzyQ411]

minihorses

I am so amazed by you guys who pass the TWO YEAR MARK as non-smokers. And so,  I'm amazed at your 2.5 years of nicotine-free life!

I know that you recognize you are at a major crossroad.

It probably started as: To Smoke or Not to Smoke. You apparently said no to smoking but have let the possibility of vaping nip at the corners of your mind.

And, you are romancing that thought.

But, as Nancy said -- and as you know, I am sure -- "Nicotine is not the answer to any question" (nor to any problem).

Smoke or Vape and the problem will still be there.

And it will be compounded by your self-disappointment. ( a grand reason for an eating binge as far as I can see.)

In your EX biography you wrote"I love heavy metal music even though I'm over 50; animals of all kinds and will rescue and rehab (if possible) any beastie I come across; I love raising ducks; riding my horses; embroidery, and of course sarcasm. I am looking forward to the rest of my life as a non-smoker."

And so:

Play your heavy metal.

Bring home an animal shelter pet with challenging issues.

Have a face-to-face with your mini horse.

Do whatever you need to do to live the rest of your life as a non-smoker.

We care about you. We want you to be a happy. We want you to be safe.

And, we want you to be a non-user of nicotine because you have said that is how you want to live the rest of your life. 

‌

[minihorses]

Thank you for a little swat of reality! Sometimes I need a good kick in the arse.

[MarilynH]

I'm sending you a humongous caring hug Julie   please don't give up!

[minihorses]

I wish I could walk. I used to take my mini on walks. Now I can barely wear shoes because the base joint on my big toe is so full of bone spurs and arthritis. I've had one adjustment with it by my chiropractor and am going back for round two next week.

[MarilynH]

[Jennifer-Quit]

Please don't give up now - you have come too far and starting over is tough.  Why not focus on a healthy eating plan instead? A couple of years ago I lost some weight and have maintained a healthy weight for over 2 years now.  It really is all about healthy choices and moderation.   Wishing you all the best!

[indingrl]

Awe your welcome Julie and thanks again for sharing

[indingrl]

I am so sorry your hurting sweet heart - gentle hugs

[Cousin-Itt]

minihorses‌  

  Julie  

    I do mean this with the best intentions 

   I gained over 100 pounds  The day I went onto the hospital almost 5 years ago I weighed 210  Almost 7 months ago I weighed 325 pounds    I just accepted the fact that I couldn't do anything about it Until my doctor called me obese borderline  morbidly obese and pre diabetic.  I had to find the same strength and determination I had when I promised myself to quit smoking.  Hell when I first tried walking I couldn't make it a 100 feet O was again ready to say F it  I kept setting little goals  I've lost 80 pounds now by just having little goals each day.

  You quit smoking for over 2 years You have helped people quit for over 2 years   YOU have the strength to lose weight you have the strength to continue your quit and you have the brains to come up with a plan    For now find someone or someway to get your mini horse up to you. Julie I know you can find away 

Carl

[elvan]

Julie,

I cannot begin to tell you how sorry I am to read this.  I had no idea that you had already gone through so much with your weight.  I agree with YoungAtHeart‌ that there HAS to be a reason.  My heart hurts for you. I have never really been overweight, despite my own perception of my body.  I have not been able to work out effectively for over a year between my shortness of breath and my back pain.  It is very difficult to live with.  I would never consider smoking or vaping considering the fact that my poor lungs word harder than any lungs should have to...just to keep me alive.

I care about you, Julie, and your love and passion for animals.  I would HATE to see you turn back to nicotine and expect things to get better.

Love and hugs,

Ellen

[YoungAtHeart]

I am wondering how you are today?  Please check in.

Thinking about you!

[CommunityAdmin]

@minihorses  Please let us know how you're doing.

[ash2lar]

Hey Julie-

As a retired RN, I understand your struggle. But smoking doesn't make anything better.

It's a temporary relief, but then you feel worse afterwards. 

Consider this: Once you destroy that lung tissue, you can't get it back. 

You have get into a more positive self talk mode- are you in therapy? Take one day at a time. Go outside. Start taking care of your mini horse. Baby steps. This is not all going to change overnight, it's a process. Start a journal, write down your thoughts. Reach out to good friends, people you can trust.

This pandemic has exacerbated many folks mental health issues, you're not alone. I've been pretty down myself some days, but look into meditation when you get past this slump you're in right now.

But do talk to someone. Taking a pill is not going to make your negative feelings go away. There may be other issues that are preventing you from feeling better about yourself. So be honest and address those issues first, then you can work on getting healthy! We're here for you, so reach out anytime!

[MarilynH]

Humongous caring hug coming your way Julie @minihorses along with lots of good thoughts and prayers for you please let us know how you are doing sweetie.....

[maryfreecig]

Not really sure what I can say or add to the conversation, but I'll give it a go. When I come to an impenetrable wall--and am feeling full of distress and thinking there is nothing more I can do, what comes back to my mind is AA stuff. All those who helped me and the general wisdom handed down goes like this--grow or go. This is what comes to me about my stuff. It's quite sharp and cutting, but it gets to me, because I always realize that I've stopped doing all that I can and curled up into a ball, wanting life to sort out the mess, not me. Finally as I admit that I need to grow (not go!) that's when the way forward seems doable--just for today.

All too often, I forget that I'm not alone, and maybe you have too. No matter what we face, someone else has been there or is there. 

[stAn3]

I have about the same amount of time not smoking as you, mini. I am currently working to lose weight because I was diagnosed pre-diabetic. It is the same type of thing as quitting smoking. I have to make a commitment to behavioral change. I can't go on a diet. I have to change the way I eat, creating a healthy eating lifestyle. I have to figure out a way to exercise regularly. I am in the habit of exercising again because I have been working with a personal trainer since January. I am not good with the food. One thing I will not do is smoke. Why do something that is going to hurt my health? I am working on my obesity to build on the fact that I quit smoking and for the same reasons that I quit smoking: I don't want to have unnecessary health problems because I am doing things I know are unhealthy. I think, "I didn't quit smoking to die from being obese and sedentary." I have barriers to losing weight. I'm not seeing much progress. But giving up is not an option. You shouldn't give up either!

[JuJuCFruit]

I too suffer from depression.  My Dr. Put me on Zyprexa in addition to Cymbalta.  I was gaining weight like crazy.  About a week ago I told my Dr. about the weight gain and she put me on Abilify.  I have actually lost 6 pounds in the 6 days since with no effort.  I am wondering if you are taking something similar in addition to an antidepressant that could be messing with your blood sugar and appetite and causing weight gain.  Ask your Dr. 

[SuzyQ411]

@minihorses 

I just stumbled on this thread and realize we aren't hearing back from you. I hope that you are ok and are feeling more positive than you were a few weeks ago. Just by reading these posts, you can tell that so many people care about you and are wanting the best for you. Just know we love you and, when you are ready, get back to us and let us know how you are, ok?

~Suzy

[minihorses]

I'm still here. I did go out with my 30" tall of pure sass this past weekend.  I cleaned out the barn but had to have my husband put it into the wheelbarrow. I had him leave a nice little patch of grass without mowing for her to munch and I brushed her out.  Her mane was in dreads and I still have work to do. I didn't even attempt her tail.  She's 30" and her tail is an est. 35". I cut it to about an inch above her hooves last fall even.  

That's all I've done but it was a start.  I haven't wanted to do anything more than that.

I thank everyone for your weight control options. No matter what I do, I don't lose more than a few lbs., ever.  We tried everything medically possible and that's why all my doctors recommended me to have the full blown gastric bypass surgery. All was great until I quit smoking.  So I have to live the rest of my days back where I started. Very disheartening but that's that.

[Maki]

I'm glad you are here . I just read this and was going to respond . I thought it was a post you posted today then looked back . Was going to ask how you were doing and here you are . 

Dont throw away your quit no matter what ok please . It will only add more problems . 

I had a couple memes for you about horses but I still haven't figured out how to post them . Try googling some .. there are good lessons to be learned about our horses love for their owners and about keeping our quits . 

[minihorses]

I've had a bunch of horse calendars with the best sayings on them.  The first horse calendar I bought seemed to have all the breeds I either loved or wanted (or both). 

[SuzyQ411]

@minihorses 

So nice to hear from you. Happy to hear you did some grooming and barn work today. (But I would leave all the mucking to someone else if I had a horse, I must confess.)

I have never had a horse and have only ridden a few times in my 78 years here on earth. But I was a staunch follower of the The Lone Ranger and always thought I'd want a horse like Trigger.

If Heavenly conventions allow, perhaps I'll have one in my glory home:

Isn't he beautiful? 

But, more spirited than I could ever handle.

Hang in there, @minihorses 

🧡

[minihorses]

Trigger was a Palomino and I love the coloring.  Lone Ranger's "Silver" didn't interest me but Tanto's horse "Scout" was a pretty Paint.  I always wanted either a black and white paint or an all black horse.  Still want the black and white paint someday.

[Barbscloud]

Glad to hear you're back out there working with your horse.  It's a start.  Sometimes we have to push ourselves a little to get there.   I'm sure she appreciated the attention.

Hang in there.

Barb

[SuzyQ411]

@minihorses