I'm pretty sure someone sneaked a few extra hours into today when I wasn't looking. lol
I'm having a much harder time today. Headache, more irritable (with the kids especially), and just watching that second hand drag around the clock.
The plus side: I had a conversation with my daughters last night that was really tough for all of us. I was tucking them in (they're 9 and 11 and share a room), and I was asking them for patience, explaining in simple terms that if I seem not myself, I'm sorry, but I'm trying to beat a horrible addiction that I hope they never have. Lots of sweet hugs and kisses (and an extra cuddle session, requested by my sweet, sensitive 11 year old, Ally) and I left the room.
I was called back in about 10 minutes by Kaya, the younger, action-oriented one, because Ally was crying. So I went back there and found out she was crying because she doesn't want me to get sick and die. *siiiiigh* These girls have seen me "quit" so many times, they can't trust it. Which is perfectly understandable. So I took her face in my hands and told her, from the heart, "Honey...I promise this is the last time I do this. One of the reasons I want to quit is because you guys are so important to me and I want to be there for you as you get older and for YOUR kids. I want to be a grandma someday. It's going to be ok. Please stop worrying, love." And knowing her, she probably didn't stop worrying...but she did stop crying. My youngest only had one question, "Mom...can we DESTROY any cigarettes we find?" LOL I assured her that yes...she could. But that she wasn't going to find any of mine. I love those girls. So much.
The negative side: If I'm totally honest, I'm worried about Wednesday. Matt, my husband, is going on an annual retreat for work. He'll be gone until Saturday. That is also the day that I'm due back at work officially (which means frequent check-ins with my 13 year-old son, Zack, and Ally...Kaya will be in childcare...which she hates). It also means I will be doing everything around the house that needs doing...cooking, cleaning, getting last minute stuff the kids need for school (next week for them), etc.
My addictive mind is already playing with me about this three day window as an opportunity.
You could smoke at night and no one would know.
Ugh. How stupid is that?!? Pretty stupid. I know this. And I'm telling that voice repeatedly to shut up.
I would never make excuses...so not my style...even when I screw up, I know it's just that...a screw up. But I really, really want to be done and the only way do to that is to go THROUGH those days without smoking Even if I have "opportunity"...I have to choose it...over and over...every day, several times a day.
The REAL opportunity, of course, is to NOT smoke during that window. What a confidence booster that would will be!
I understand what people mean when they say you have to remove smoking as an option, but somehow I have a problem with that. Everything is always an option. Autonomy is important to me and I don't do well with limits...which is why I'm having such a hard time sticking with a quit past 5 or 6 months, I think. It's saying NOPE over and over to the same choice that makes you a non-smoker, in my mind. And I know from experience that the more often you say it, the easier it becomes. And that later, down the road, there will be times I have to be ready to make that same choice when I am blindsided by a strong craving when I haven't had one in awhile. But it's still a choice. It's not like anyone is going to stop me from "keeping them away from my face." (I miss Dale...as much as he hit nerves with me sometimes)
I have to do it. So I AM.
There are only about eight more hours before I'll hang it up and go to bed...and that's what's on the table today. Just today. I can do this. Thanks for reading my ramblings..........I do go on. lol
