Hi I'm here to help support my husband quit smoking.I;m a non smoker and have never smoked. I k

[chris29]

Hi
I'm here to help support my husband quit smoking.
I;m a non smoker and have never smoked. I know I need help to support him in this undertaking.

He has tried to quit before that was about three years ago a month before our wedding..
He was smoking a pack a day and he quit cold turkey.
about a week into it I was such a basket case I threatened him and forced him to smoke.

I know it was horrible of me.

This is why I am here to ask for help and to get support and to try to understand to the best of my ability what he is going through.

When we meet he was a confirmed bachelor and I was a single mother of three (two teens one preteen).
We became best friends. Two years latter we got married. And This year on April first we became Grandparents. He has been there for me when I lost my job and now as I face some serious health issues.

I want to be there for him.

[hwc]

My biggest piece of advice (besides doing some reading on whyquit.com) is to steer clear of his efforts to quit other than being supportive when he raises it in conversation.

Do NOT push his buttons. I finally had to explain to my wife that I was using every bit of psychological energy I had to work thru each crave and stay focused on beating my nicotine addiction. When, she started up with some kind of nyah-nyah stuff, I was just so out of ammo that all I could do was throw up my hands and ask what she wanted me to do.

The absolute worst. I didn't sleep a single wink during my third night without nicotine. Total tossing and turning insomnia -- great an extra eight hours of craving a cigarette. So I spent the night watching quit videos at whyquit.com. At dawn I walked into the kitchen and my wife gave me a lecture about staying up all night. She didn't know. She had no clue how miserable I was standing there unable to sleep all night, like that was really my preference.

Just be aware that he'll be fragile. He will probably lash out. Our "joke" was: "Oh quitting was easy for him...every time he wanted a cigarette, he just yelled at me instead!"

But, everyone can get through it if you just give the guy a little room.

[hwc]

I can probably give a better example of how thngs can go bad. The night I took it all out on a salad spinner!

Understand that cooking was a MAJOR trigger for me. When I cooked, I alway stepped outside for a cigarette. Cooking triggered craving for me. So, one night I was busy making a ceasar salad and just absolutely fighting off the urge to smoke with all my might. I was not going to smoke, but it was not easy at that stage.

As I was washing the lettuce and using the salad spinner at the sink, my wife started in asking why I made it that way or why I put this or that ingredient in or maybe I should try making it this way instead. Normally, I might not be thrilled about her telling me how to cook, but it would be OK. But, I'm standing there with just nothing left in the tank whatsover. I was doing everything in my power to not tell her to make her own salad, but when you are quitting you just don't have anything left to navigate those moments. All I wanted was a cigarette. I was busy making a salad to keep my mind off it. The triggers were hitting me. And, all she could do is complain about the way I made the salad. And, so I took it all out on my poor salad spinner, slamming it down in the sink hard enough to put a crack in it. Poor thing.

To this day, I use that crack as a reminder that I never want to have to quit smoking again, so I'll never take another puff.

Moral of the story for the spouse. Just bite your tongue for the first month and tell him how much you love his salad! To this day, my wife doesn't understand the feeling I had of just having no reserve patience whatsoever for that kind thing at that moment. She thought I was just making a salad.

[becky16]

Thanks Dave, I was looking for that, but couldn't remember where I saw it....

[keri]

He's lucky that you care so much, but it is really important that you are patient with him. One of the main reasons it is easy to start back up (among others, of course) is to feel a lack of support. Maybe if you do a little research on addiction/recovery to help yourself understand what your husband will be facing, it might be more likely for you to be easy (not too easy) on him through his recovery. Especially because cigarettes are so easily accessible, it is too simple to go back to them. From what I've read, the first three months are the hardest. I'm sure everybody is different, but a little praise goes a long way...
hope this helps a little. He's got a long road ahead of him, as do you.. so best of luck... again, he's lucky that you care enough to reach out

[becky16]

Hi Chris,
I'm so glad that you are here trying to help your husband. It is so important for you to know what he is going through. First, smoking is an addiction and nicotine is the drug. When a person quits, the nicotine leaves the system after about 72 hours. The problem is not so much the nicotine as the addictive behaviors and thoughts that were developed while smoking. These thoughts and actions are imprinted on our minds from years of smoking and they have become a part of our personality. So, when a person quits and the nicotine leaves the system, the thoughts and behaviors take over. You are going to need a lot of patience. Remember, when a person quits their personality, mind, and body are going through horrendous changes. I will tell you right now, anything that a person says or does while quitting, you can not take seriously. They are not themselves and do not mean to hurt those they love. It is the addiction that is talking to you, not your loved one. So, I would suggest that you do not take any of it personally. If you have patience, it eventually gets better. If you check out RJ's page, you will see the description of the Gorrilla vs the monkey. It is so true. You need to stay positive for your husband, as well. He is going to need all the support you can give him. If he tells you to give him space, then give it to him, but don't go too far. He will need a lot of Hugs, but only when he asks for them. Praise him when he meets a crave and gets past it. Give him a lot of praise. Encourage him to write on here, like a journal, to vent his feelings during the quit. Encourage him to read all he can on here and other sites, like www.whyquit.com to learn about the addictive behaviors and thoughts. Encourage him to go to www.meditainment.com to learn how to meditate, so he can stay focused and stay relaxed. Encourage him to start with the Ex Plan at www.becomeanex.org to prepare for the quit. Quitting takes a lot of work and effort.....but then again, anything worthwhile in life takes work and effort. Ask him if his life is worth that effort......because that is what it comes down to.....life or death. Have him read Mike Patterson's page. There is a story that is inspirational. It would be good if you read as many stories and blogs as you can on here too. It will help you even more to learn about what we go through when quitting. Like I said: Be patient, stay strong for him, encourage him, praise him, love him, listen to him and don't take things personally! It will get better, but takes time. It is better to walk away than start an argument when someone is quitting. If I can be of any help for you let me know. Keep in touch.

[rj_]

Well said Kari, Chris take a look at whyquit.com for a great education on nicotine addiction. One thing I'll add is you did not force him to smoke during the previous quit, he chose, so dont take the blame for failures, just continue to give support, and patience.
Best, RJ

[bridget4]

Hi Chris - Your husband is very fortunate to have such support with the task at hand. Keri is right. Educate yourself about the addiction to nicotine. It is an addiction, not a weakness in his character. People who do not have this addiction find it hard to understand and those of us that do have it find it hard to understand why others don't. I know it sounds crazy doesn't it? Just know this. As an ex-smoker, I know that deep down, he probably wants to be a non-smoker just as much or more than you want him to be a non-smoker. Patience, Understanding, Support and Encouragement every step of the way will do a lot. I read today too that our loved ones spent a lot of time and attention on our smoking and then once we quit, there is never any more conversation about it. Please make sure you ask him along the way, how its going and show interest. Make sure you let him know how hard you know he is working and how proud you are. It will go a long, long way.

[dave19]

I think it's great that you are on here looking for advise on how you can be supportive of him - he's really lucky. My wife can tell you as a non-smoker that it can be hard to know what you can / should do to try and support your Quitter... someone posted this to me when I first began to Quit 8 days ago and I think it would help you too. It's something that people who are beginning to Quit can give to the people they love as a note of what to expect of them and what they can do to help them - even if it's not coming from him to you, I'm sure you can find value in it. Best of luck to him and yourself as he Quits! 🙂

--------------------------------
Dear______,

I am about to try and change my life for the better. I am going to quit smoking. I just wanted to write this letter to you so you know what to expect for the next couple of weeks, since the process of withdrawal can be very challenging for me, and for those around me. (Most people do not realize it, but nicotine addiction is literally one of the hardest drugs to kick, even harder than heroin).

Everyone reacts to the withdrawal symptoms differently, but in general, during the first two weeks (Hell Week and Heck Week), don't expect much from me. I will most likely not be my normal self. All of my attention will literally be taken up with fighting the physical and mental urges to smoke. I may cry, I may yell, I may ignore you. Worst of all, I may say very hurtful things to you, but I want you to know that this is the nicotine talking, not my heart. I WILL apologize afterwards, once the poison has left my body and my mind has cleared, but for the moment, please, PLEASE remember that I love you, and let it roll off your back.

You need to know that when a smoker quits, the body and the mind will try almost anything to trick the user into taking another puff. I may rationalize that "now is not a good time". I may question the worth of my existence. I may talk about feeling a sense of emptiness and loss. My body may develop aches and pains. I may not be able to sleep. I may act like the pain I am experiencing is all your fault.

But be aware that I am doing this for ME, not for you. In this one important way, I have to be selfish, so that I cannot give the nicotine a reason to put the blame on anyone else. So you must not feel responsible for my discomfort and depression. Even if you feel you can't stand to see me this way, whatever you do, do NOT tell me it's OK to smoke, just to stop the pain. You have to be strong when I am weak, so do not agree with any "junkie thinking" I may come up with.

Here are 10 things you CAN do to help:

Be there when I need a hug, but don't be hurt when I push you away.

If I tell you to leave me alone, give me space, but don't go too far...I need to know you are near no matter what the nicotine says.

Don't try to argue with me when I start to rationalize...silence is a more powerful message.

Avoid the topic of cigarettes (because I'm trying to get them off my mind), unless I bring it up first.

Do the best you can to act as if everything is normal. The more "normal" you act, the faster I will get there.

Consciously avoid putting me into situations where I will be in the presence of smokers. This may mean avoiding favorite restaurants or bars, or hanging out with certain friends for awhile.

Consciously avoid letting me get into stressful situations...if something stressful can be put off for a couple of weeks, please try to do so. If not, please try to cushion me.

Help me avoid "trigger" situations...places or activities where I usually light up. (For example, don't plan long road trips for the next couple of weeks if I usually smoke in the car).

Just keep telling me it will get better, that the emptiness and pain will fade, that you love me, and that this effort is worth it.

Tell me I am strong. Tell me you are proud of me. But also, tell me you will be there no matter what I say or do.


I just wanted to prepare you because the first two weeks are usually the worst, but be aware that it doesn't suddenly get better...it will be a gradual process. Also, please be aware that while I am doing this quit for me, you and those around me will benefit as well. I will be free from the shackles of needing to know where the closest cigarette store is. I will be free of the smell and stains. I will be free of an early death. And I will be free to spend more quality time with those I love.

Thank you in advance for being strong enough to love me, and help me through this.

Love, _________________

[chris29]

Thank you every one this is what I need. I am checking out all the places that you have provided me with. and taking all your advice to heart.
I really want to help him succeed.

[becky16]

Just thought I'd send you a little cheer!

BFREAKY.COM

[becky16]

I hope you are having a Peaceful Weekend!

BFREAKY.COM