This morning is the first morning I did not post anything since I quit 31 days ago. I think I am in NML now. A big cloud of depression has come over me today and I just felt overwhelmed. I don't think it is the cigarettes, it is just life catching up with me I think. I am living alone for the first time in my life and I am 66 years old. I could not stay in an abusive marriage any longer and my son who was living with me moved in with his girlfriend. He is 36 years old and needs a life of his own, I understand that. My mother who I had the pleasure of her living with me for 16 years has now passed away. My father whom I took care of is gone also. I found both of them dead. Right before my daughter was murdered, my brother who was my best friend and a pastor passed away from cancer. I have been longing to be with all of them in heaven. Don't get me wrong, I am not suicidal, no way. It is just the loving ones in my family are gone and I feel so lonely.
I have been trying to keep busy all day long but my back gave out. I have been totally by myself for 4 months. I do have my best friend cookie ( my chihuahua). What would I do without her? I cannot travel except short trips because of the chronic pain in my back. I guess I am on a pity party, I don't know.
I apologize for whinning but you ( my new family) is really all I have. That is that I can count on to be here for me. I wish I could hug each and every one of you guys. You have become to mean the world to me. Today I think I was running away from myself. I guess that sounds crazy but that is how I felt.
Tomorrow is a new day and maybe it will be brighter. congratulations to everyone for being ex smokers.
Love to you all
Carolyn
