I really let two important people down yesteray when I smoked. First I let My God down because I had asked for his help, and I failed. Second I let myself down. I had promised myself that I would no longer smoke.
What can I, and what must I do now. I will not give up, I will just start over, pray harder, and work harder at quitting. I can not smoke after the surgery, and the time to quit is now, and that is what I am doing.
I have conditions, because of the abuse that will never go away. When I had to put Amy in the hospital yesterday I did not know how sick she was and how long she would be gone. I am terified of the dark and being alone. I can not sleep, eat, or function. My back pain increased and I had taken all I could take.
Then I found a few and I did not help myself. Instead I smoked them. When I realized what I had done, I got a back spasm and fell out of the wheel chair. For a long time I just laid on the floor and cried. I was finally able to get back in the wheel chair. I was still upset with myself that I let my mind fuel the anxiety, the pain kept getting worse, and I had no one that I could talk too, so I started throwing up for the next 30 minutes. I was praying all the time, and He answered. Amy called me and she was able to calm me down. I never got any sleep, but I felt safer.
Tonight Amy is still in the hospital, and I will just suffer, BUT I will not smoke.
Now most of you all will disagree with me, but this is how I feel. Everyone here has given me many prayers, and have shown me a lot of great support. I do not care, BUT I have let all of you down as well. I can not really make it up, but I beg for another chance, more prayers, and your support.
I may fail again, BUT I will never give up. I AM going to quit, and I pray that this is the time.
Sort of off the topic, please pray that my fear will not control me tonight.
Thank you for being me friends.
Mark
