It's interesting to read everyone else's blogs. See what they're going through. But I figured I would write how I'm feeling myself before reading the others'....
So, a cold Saturday in New York City. In about another hour, it will have been 5 days since my last smoke. I feel like I'm in control at the moment but there's a little voice in the back of my head trying to start a conversation with me. It's like I'm la-dee-da, making breakfast and she's "la-dee-da cigarettes". Then, I'm la-dee-da, let me run out to the grocery store and she comes running up behind me, a little out of breath and says "cigarettes". So the word cigarettes keeps finding its way into my consciousness even though I don't feel at all tempted to smoke. It's just like the old habit is hanging around, like an ex-lover who turned out to be bad news. On the one hand, you sort of focus on the good memories, the times down by the lake, or the long chair lift up the mountain, just you and Miss (or Mr., as your case may be) Cigarette, sharing a peaceful moment. But then you remember, I found little Sweetie putting rat poison in my food. She had this odd notion of love as double suicide. Damn was she sexy. But she had to go.
Miss Cigarette had to go.
So, for now, I look out my window and see her still hanging around. But I know I won't let her back. I'm expecting she'll show up in super sexy lingerie soon, try to catch me in a moment of weakness. But unh-uh. The door is locked. I'm moving forward with my life.
It's strange how my body feels. Still a little "sour", not quite the pure feeling as I remember feeling as a young kid before I started smoking. Still a little "rage" in the muscles. I'm pretty much taking things slowly, not in a hurry to go outside or to drive (where I do most of my smoking). I find it's better to write a little here every day, to reinforce my own awareness of what I'm doing and going through. And as I do this, I realize that there is no chance that I will smoke today. Nope. Ain't gonna happen.
At the same time, I feel badly for those of you who are struggling. I can tell you that I have quit and failed before. I think the difference this time is that I am SO SURE that I want to quit and that, having been through this before I know that the really toughest time is the first four days. You struggle through that and you're well on your way. Beyond those first four days, keep blogging (and reading others' blogs) to remind yourself of WHY you are quitting. And prepare yourself for the lady in lingerie. She will show up again. Just remember that she wants to take all your money and kill you. If you've gotten through hell week (the first week or a good part of it) why would you want to smoke and then have to go through that horrible feeling of the first week all over again. Because, face it, you think you can just have one? My previous experience was that I said to myself, well I'll buy a pack, smoke one and then throw the rest away. But alas, after smoking the first one, I said to myself, "well surely one more won't make a difference." Before I knew it, I was saying to myself, "OK, you smoke this one pack and then you're done. No harm in that." See the pattern, right? So now I know that, no matter what, I won't get fooled into having that one. When someone (or yourself) offers you "one", you need to realize that it is six more months of smoking you are starting by having that one. You will come up with more reasons why you can go beyond the one and it "not count" than reasons why not to have that one. So I'm telling you, it's the most dangerous trap of quitting. You can't have even one.
But why would you want one? Do you think you can stop at one? Really??? If you want "one" it means you are willing to become a smoker again. All of us here know how hard this is. So make sure you hate smoking and how it makes you hide outside behind a tree or pop breath mints into your mouth to mask the smell (by the way, you're only fooling yourself with that) and how you can't run 100 yards without feeling like "what the fuck, what happened to me?". And how you WILL get cancer and how you WILL die prematurely, before you get to Ithaka.
I'll write about food and exercise later. It's all part of taking control of your life, and exerting your free-will, little by little, a small piece at a time, day by day. There is no finish line here. We're all about life on our journey. Are you going to drive your car or are you going to let the tobacco companies cram you into a bus bound for the extermination camp?
