Help With Smoking Man !

[joanne47]

The title makes you want to throw water on the next smoking person you see, right ?

Well, here is what is happening. I find myself getting angry (REALLY angry) and impatient and disgusted with my husband who is still smoking and coughing and hacking up smoker's goo, etc.. 

I look at him and it makes me feel like I don't even want to be near him. It's not like I feel like I am better than him. It's just that I am doing all of this work to look deep and find out why and get control and all the work that is required. And he is now CHOOSING not to. 

Having said that, I need to say he has NEVER sabotaged my efforts of being smoke free.  He is so proud of me. Doesn't smoke in the house. He has tried: Cgantix, patches, gum, support group through hospital every week for over a year, hypnosis, etc... The deep down , deepest down reason for not quitting is that when his father quit he became MORBIDLY obese. Almost 400 pounds. Combo of not smoking and stressful job, I guess. My husband runs towards the  "husky" side anyway and he is terrified of ebcoming his Dad. I know that is his to work out, but I get very resentful and angry that he isn't doing the work.

I am scared I will b a young widow, like my mom. I have told him all of this, nothing chnages. So I guess I have to change my perspective. But it's so hard and I need some advice from anyone who has been here.

Stay warm... Hugs.

[Ms.J_11-10-2013]

Oh boy, this is a tough one.  My husband also smokes and YES I feel the anger too!

He dosen't smoke around me but he will go into the bathrooms and smoke, he turns the fan on but that dosen't do much.  I got so PO'd at him the other day because both bathrooms lingered of smoke.   Your husband (and mine) need to educate themselves on this addiction and how it controls us.  I know eveytime I mention it to mine he always says "I have cut back, alot"!  He needs to learn that this is an ADDICTION and no matter how much he cut back its still a full blown addiction and every little smoke keeps it alive.

I wish I had an answer for you but as you can see we are in the same boat, just keep working at your quit and making it stronger and more solid everyday.. 

xo

Jackie

424 DOF

[joanne47]

PLEASE.... everyone...don't tell me I am looking for excuses to smoke. Because I am not.

But am I ruining my marriage over this?? This is my problem, right?

[Ms.J_11-10-2013]

??????

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Quitting smoking is a wake up call. You can't expect to be the same person.

So, perhaps you need to explain this to your husband, your thinking will be changing.

You may not be as calm and complacent  about the emotional goings on you've covered up with smoking.

I will tell you that no smoker realizes what kind of hold and control smoking has over their life until they are free of thinking they need a smoke.

That being said, what more can you expect of your husband if he is not smoking around you?

Your quit may inspire him. Weight gain is not mandatory and the reason his father gained weigt was because he substituted the dopamine he got from smoking by eating.

[hampton]

Well I don't have a husband,or a partner right now.I still have the same anger,etc. inside...... So I just go day by day,minute by minute. I know this 2 will pass. It's obvious that we are a little stronger,maybe a little wiser. Keep YOUR quit. This is about you,you,you!!! I'm very proud to know you,Your an inspiration.Keep going,You are winning.

[joanne47]

Jackie... I didn't understand your "????"

Dale.... I thnk I will have to get control of my eating and baking so that husbamd sees that I am NOT gaining weight. Maybe that's the way to go. 

BTW, I don't know if you guys are reading these comments, but I felt funny throwing up a post in answer to comments.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Joanne, you let us know how to help you when you respond to our comments.

and I think you are right, if you don't gain weight he can't use that as an excuse

Eat 200 calories less a day or exercise and extra 200 off if you want to remain your weight.

6 little bite meals. 2-3 bites max. Protein and a fruit. Chicken and 1/2 orange. Cheese and 10 grapes.

this will keep your blood sugar level and keep you in fat burning mode. People who starve themselves trick their body into storing fat.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Get your dopamine from something else. Music, a hobby, art, exercise, laughing, volunteering or helping a neighbor.

[Barbara145]

Hi Joanne.  You are being intolerant.  That is to be expected.  You cannot FIX him.  That is his job.  As time passes that part of you will get much better.  Teaching him how to quit Won't help.  Nagging him will only make him smoke more.  Remember???  You are doing great with your quit.  Keep the focus on you and love him the best you can.  God bless.    Barbara

[joanne47]

Barbara...You are right. I canot fix him and this is my problem.

Thanks for the head slap!

🙂

[elvan]

There are three C's that go with being the partner of someone who is addicted and it is best to remember them whatever the addiction may be...you didn't Cause it, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it.  I don't live with a smoker and I do not think you are looking for excuses to smoke but I think this has to be your quit and if and when he is ready, he will have HIS quit.  No one has to gain so much weight that they become morbidly obese because they quit smoking.  I have always gained some weight with quits but this time seems different, my pants still fit, my scale burned up in the fire and I haven't run out to replace it.  I can tell you to try not to be angry with him but the truth is, I would be angry.

This is YOUR journey and who knows?  Maybe he will see how much better you are doing and decide to try himself with support...

[mommydea]

I am only on my first day of quitting and currently, my husband smokes too. He has stopped smoking inside and actually will go for a little walk outside instead of sitting on the porch where I can still smell the smoke seeping in the house. That being said, I too, have found myself getting angry or even jealous that he is smoking and not on the same path as I am. I have reminded myself that this is my time no matter what. I am doing this for me and no one else. I try to be empathetic as I know how hard it was for me to get to this place of being willing to do whatever is necessary to be successful in quitting. I know it must be hard for him too and I need to allow him to come to his own conclusion and his own willingness to do his own quit. I don't know if this helps, but thought I would share.