HELP!

[Thomas3.20.2010]

  dis·tressed  

  /disˈtrest/

  Adjective

  Suffering from anxiety, sorrow, or pain.

  Impoverished.

  Synonyms

  sorrowful - afflicted

  I have been very distressed! But like stress, with distress smoking is not the solution! In the last 3 weeks I have certainly been tempted! Yes, at 3 Years, 4 Months, 6 Days it has taken everything I've learned at BecomeanEX to keep me from smoking! Yes. even though, maybe   especially because I have COPD and smoking would be an act of suicide, I have come soooo close to walking into a gas station and saying "those magic words!" And yet, nothing that I would like to change would be changed for the better! And much that I've fought so hard for would be lost! 

  Addiction sure is a strange creature! I am an addict and my distress comes from my best friend's relapse into addiction - not sickerettes - alcohol! But it's really much the same! He's killing himself for his "best friend!" He's lying and deceiving himself about his brain dis-ease! He's fooling himself with Addictive phrases - "just one won't hurt!," "I can quit whenever I want!," "At least I'm not addicted to XXX!" - ladadadadada.....

  So how does my crazy Addictive Mind feed off of his relapse? "Well, if he can do it, why can't I?," "Misery loves company!," "What are friends for, anyway?," "At least I'm not addicted to alcohol!," "I deserve a smoke! I would feel so much better!" LIES, LIES, LIES!!!! - just shut up already!

  Remember that fundamental question? Since smoking is not an option, what can I do instead? What I have chosen to do has not worked! I chose to blow up my addiction support base! I chose to hide my feelings from my Wife! I chose to just use willpower to somehow forge my way through because after all, I'm still an addict and when my dis-eased brain has been stimulated it will follow the old brain maps and repeat the same old mistakes that never did and never will work! "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and EXpecting a different result!" Now, replace the word insanity with Addiction!

  It's time to stop spinning my wheels! It's time to put to use the knowledge that I have gained here over the last 3 + years! I'm here as a supplicant - please help me! Please be for me that freedom loving voice that is at the moment drowned out by the addictive voice! Please tell me all the things I probably already know but honestly, can't think of a single one of them! Please help me to not just understand but to believe that if my friend wants to drink himself into an early grave there is absolutely nothing whatsoever I can say or do to change that! I need you to be the voice of quititude because, frankly, I've lost mine completely! The only thing I haven't lost is my quit! So far....

[Brenda_M]

Aye-yi-yi, Thomas, so much going on here. FIRST: Hamdulillah--thank God. I said this out loud when I saw you post a blog. I've missed you, like, whoa.

And then to read that YOU are distressed! You, who has been such a strength and inspiration to so many! A fortress against the addiction! The cannon who shoots out balls of wisdom! Have I stretched the metaphor too far? Didn't take long, did it?

I'm so sorry about your friend and his relapse. It's terrible to see someone we love make such a big mistake. I wish I could wave a wand and fix it for you. And I understand what you mean about the whisperings of your addiction. I've lost so many quits thinking it isn't fair that, you know, my little brother can smoke hookah one night and then not bother with it again until the next time he feels like it, which could be months, because he isn't addicted. Or fantasizing about that one, really good cigarette...I've been doing THAT lately, too.

But we know better. We know that one good cigarette would lead to hundreds and thousands of bad ones! And that we're all a puff away from a pack a day! And I know that I know this because of YOU! Because you have been a mentor, a leader for me. So don't you DARE, Thomas, or I will HUNT you, you hear? 😃

Big hugs, friend.

[TigerLadie]

My dearest friend..... You have made such a difference to so many on this site.... You are the rock I have come to depend on.  You are strength.... and you are knowledge..... and you are human......  My dad was smoking up until his death.... death because of the lies..... You deserve better then that....

Please remember that YOU can only make the decision for yourself... I am sorry your friend has given up his freedom... don't give up yours..... 

My heart is breaking.... I love ya Thomas.... don't lose it..... 

[jojo_2-24-11]

Thomas, You have been the voice of reason here on Ex for as long as I've been here. You know that not smoking is what makes us feel good, each and every day! We come here to help and lend a hand in our time of need and as long as we have one more breath in us we will not smoke, because we know this is the way we were meant to live. Smoke-free. I am very sorry to hear of your friend going back to drinking but you do know that we can only help people if they are willing to help theirselves. I hope and pray that your friend will come to see that is not the life to lead, sooner as oppose to later. You are the first one to let us know this in our ever so wonderful journey of life.

[Michwoman]

Hi Thomas!!! Thanks so much for blogging! We love you and missed you! Please don't let Admin take you away again!!!

P.S. - Can we please ditch the goat stuff now???

[Sootie]

Yes Thomas----I know exactly how it is -----even after 3 +years....we remain addicts. We are recovering addicts...but addicts nonetheless.

No sense in sugar coating it. We don't "crave" after three years and most days----we don't think about them at all except in horror that we ever smoked.

BUT---once in awhile...at an old "trigger" time or stress incident or even in joyful celebration ----we will think......let's just have one.

This is the most horrible thing about being an addict....you are not "cured". Every day, you wake up and reject your addiction and reaffirm your desire to live free. But it needs to always be a priority. The words Not One Puff Ever...are not just a catch phrase....they are our life motto

[Michwoman]

I'm sorry Thomas - I was so elated to see your blog that I posted my comment before I read all of your blog. I am so sorry you have been through such stress - and yet so glad you endured - being true to the warrior you are.

You know you can be a shining example to your friend. Bring him UP to your level instead of sinking to his.

You are our hero!!!!

[Strudel]

Thomas!! I got so excited when I saw your name! How very wonderful to see you back here! Not only do I consider you a friend I have been lucky to meet here at EX - I also know what a very special service of educating you do here! As an educator - that role means the world to me - and you do it do it so well! 

Now, as a recovered alcoholic and obviously a recovered nicotine addict - your blog was so sad to me. My sister is an alcoholic and watching her destroy her life is so, so hard. 

Your blog reminded me of a blog I wrote at the beginning of my quit. The accomplishment of quitting reminded me of when I quit drinking and when I lost of bunch of weight. At that time - I found this letter a man wrote his wife after she had moved past an addiction. (In her case it was food.) Anyway - it says so much about what we - you and I and so many others here - have done. Take care dear Thomas! Please - stay! 

  Here is the story - The woman was having a bad day and said to her husband -" what was the point of this struggle - nothing has changed." He wrote the following note to her the next day:

  "You tell me that nothing and no one has changed, that your life is exactly the same as it was before. True, nothing has changed, and yet, everything has changed. You have overcome the greatest pain and anguish of your life. You have dealt with your personal demon and stood up to the torment that has always been a part of your existence and finally, once and for all, conquered it. You will never be the same again. To have done this changes a person. Very few have the courage, the greatness of spirit, to overcome their greatest pain. Those few who do - can never, ever be defeated by life. The finest thing a human being can do - and the hardest - is to grow past our own special enemy, the traitor within, and become free of it. Very few ever do this. You did it, and the strength and pride that now belong to you will always be there when you need them. I am terribly proud of knowing you." Larry LeShan

  I share these words with you - and I believe they apply to you. THANK YOU!!

[Yaya2.6.10]

I was glad to see a post from you and then sad to hear you are struggling.  Thanks for reaching out to us.  You and I have been here about the same length of time and you saved me so many times.  It is annoying when times of stress make us think of smoking. I did it just a coupla weeks ago when family was pushing every trigger and button I had.  I made it past it and want you to make it past this tough time.  Find a huge distraction to break this train of thought.  Smoking will not make your friend stop drinking.  It sure won't make your COPD better.  

BTW I have a friend recently diagnosed with COPD and on oxygen.  I sent her to this website and your blogs to learn about the disease.  That happened only yesterday and she phoned today to thank me.  I don't know if she ever smoked, but she is blaming this on childhood asthma.  She is now around 80 and I think she has had it for a long time and no one ever diagnosed it.

[joyeuxencore]

My dearest friend how wonderful to see you here I have been quite blue at the recent events and have hardly logged on...Let me quote one of my spiritual mentors:

"You cannot bring someone to the light by walking into the darkness with them"

You are an EXample to your friend....and a huge EXample for all of us...let me quote YOU from your blog at 100 days...You don't want to lose all that you have gained:

These are some of the Gifts that come to mind as I CELEBRATE my QUIT:

(1) I feel more SELF-CONFIDENT because I made a choice to change my self-destructive behavior and followed through.

(2) I feel more HONEST because I am not evading truthfulness about the consequences in order to support my Smoking Addiction.

(3) I feel more SELF-RESPECT because I made a decision to QUIT SMOKING and honored that decision.

(4) I feel more SECURE because I no longer have that constant battle "I want to smoke"vs"I don't want to smoke."

(5) I feel more OPTIMISTIC because I no longer attack stress with another cigarette, I attack it with a constructive plan of action.

(6) I feel more SPIRITUAL because when I called upon my higher power for assistance I felt his/her response.

(7) I feel more DECISIVE because I saw how I can set a goal and accomplish it one day at a time each and every day.

(8) I feel more SELF-AWARE because I sense days or situations of weakness and have a winning back up plan to protect my QUIT.

(9) I feel more INTEGRATED because when my body said "I need...." my mind and spirit responded affirmatively.

(10) I feel more JOY as I experience COLLATERAL KINDNESS and CELEBRATE each and every daily VICTORY over my Smoking Addiction with my BecomeanEx friends! THANK YOU for CELEBRATING with me!!!!!!

[barbara42]

Thomas, I do not know what is wrong, but what ever it is, just hold on to your quit, and remember all the poeple that you helped, do not let them down. I so wish there was some thing i could do for you, other than pray and offer you any words that i can, know that you are so loved and looked up to

[anniexhx]

thomas please dont give in to the nicodemon you are our inspiration please remeber all the info you haqve shared with us read your blogs again rembered the time you finish reading a few the craving will be gone stay strong hun and keep us updated x

[ShawnP]

You can't save everybody. It was his choice not yours. You on the other hand my friend made your choice 3 yrs to quit smoking and with all of us behind you, you will continue on your smoke free journey. You just have to!!!  you've been such an inspiration to all of us. Whatever you do, chase them thoughts away cause we DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE". 

[lisa11209]

You have great words of advice above.  The bottom line comes down to Not One Puff Ever, because taking that one puff means going right back to all the smoking bs. So glad you came here for help where you are known and loved. 

[Thomas3.20.2010]

This was literally my plan: Buy a pack of sickerettes and wait till I'm with him next and then smoke it in front of him just to show him what it feels like! When I put it down on paper it sounds petty and dumb!

[nanawendy]

A very wise man wrote this, a man who has been a rock to all of us

The day you quit smoking is an extraordinary personal event that you are likely to remember and cherish! But the true meaning of your quit is the day to day process - the decision you make today, the decision you'll make tomorrow, each event that adds to the continuation of the process which is a new way of living! Living Life ADDICTION FREE! That's what this is all about! You are choosing to live life abundantly, believing in yourself, seeing that you deserve to be Happy and Healthy! You are making a life affirming decision that you know will affect not just yourself but will send a clear and unmistakeable message to your loved ones - I care enough not only about you but about myself to care for myself, knowing that caring for myself is primary to caring for you, the people I love! Self esteem! Self worth! Integrity! This is Abundant Living! This is what it means to be the person that my Creator intends for me to be! My name is Thomas and what you see is what you get - a fella who values his own life enough to decide to be ADDICTION FREE! I want to be honest with you but more importantly I will be honest with myself! That's impossible under the smoke cloud! Know thyself! To thy own self be TRUE! Make each event of Today a part of the larger process of valuing yourself because yes, YOU ARE WORTH IT!

[Michwoman]

wow - he would have weakend further for sure in my mind! Thomas - you are our Tower - our Pillar - the Rock we all lean upon. You are so awesome! Yet we know you are still human and have weak human moments. May God be with you during this time and lift you  and let you know the true contribution you are to the world. We all hope that you know how much you are loved and that you can count on us for anything you need - just tell us 🙂

Ok? Promise?

[phyllis-12-7-15]

Thomas PLEASE keep fighting for your quit. We care and are here. HUGS

[Legend]

Thomas I saw on your page you like to meditate like I do so find that special place and try to relax.  All of your knowledge about this addiction and how it messes with our heads got you back to this place to get help so stay close to this place. I get like this sometimes and it just sucks but I come here and read blogs and it gets my head back to thinking straight again. Do anything that you usually do to get relaxed think of all the things that you like to do. Go for a walk, meditate, go for a drive in the county, sit outside under the stars, go to the beach, paint, listen to soothing music, cook something that you love and have a picnic outside. Smoking wont solve anything it will make your life worse.

Remember changing the way your mood is helps so maybe watch a funny movie that you like. Or you can go to Youtube and watch something funny over there. Here are some video’s I had on my computer you can watch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PP9b_91PHi8&feature=youtu.be

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IytNBm8WA1c&feature=related

http://www.wimp.com/fawnrescued/

Giving you a cyber Hug.

I am here for you Thomas.

[SkyGirl]

Thomas, here's a concept that has always helped me to stop, take a step back and get a different perspective: 

If you don't like the way you are feeling about something...then you must change the way you are thinking about that thing.  When you think about something in a new, different way...it changes the way you feel about it.

I'm wishing strength and peace for you, Thomas.

xxxooo,   Sky

[Linda239]

Thomas, I am so sorry for your pain.  I know how hard it is to see some one you care about relapse.  All you can do is be there for them with hopefully the right words.  Sometimes there is nothing you can do.  You were one of the people that stand out in my quit journey.  When I was really down and didn't think I could stay quit any longer, I came to this site and read blogs and words of inspiration from you and you would not believe how much it helped me.  PLEASE, PLEASE protect your quit.  Stay strong like always.  I will always be grateful to you!

[SarahP]

Thomas dear thank you so much for writing. I am so sorry to hear about your friend and I understand EVERYTHING you wrote. EVERY WORD. It never goes away, does it? You know what to do, and you are already doing it, and you've been shown so much love and support in the comments above (and I'm sure in the PMs you must be getting by now as well). You have helped so many of us quit, thank you for putting yourself in our hands and giving us a chance to show you how much we love you! 

Stay strong dear Thomas, you know what the answer is! 

[Bonnie11.3.2009]

Dear Thomas!

You are such a dear man who is very much a caretaker.  Your friend's relapse into his addiction is triggering that caretaker big time.  I know you love your friend and this must be devastating for you to think about another possible loss in your life.    This shock may have sent you into a bit of PTSD?? and a knee jerk reaction??

NOPE as you know, not one puff ever......NO MATTER WHAT!  You also know others who have come and gone here that kept their quits no matter their husband's death, no matter their own cancer diagnosis, no matter a lung transplant, no matter a house fire, no matter surgeries, no matter marital separations, no matter divorces, and more.

You did EXactly what you're supposed to do when you're in trouble you came here and posted help!  And what help you've received!  You're much loved here Thomas and we're all here for you, today and everyday, just as you have been for so many.

Please take time to revaluate things, time to breathe, time to heal from this shock of your friend's relapse.  Be there for my dear friend, Thomas, he needs you!  Love to you!

[wishingstar]

Thomas , I  am so glad to see you here.

We cant stop the  one's we care about from doing harm to the selfs.  We just have to put in Gods hands. Is it easyer said then done.  they live in denail . But we can't live in denial, or necodemon wins....We know the reality, is NOPE NOPE.  Your a smokeless Angel to us all and I know that your just a strong as any angel.  you are woth it because we all care about you. we are better because your apart of one huge family, I will not see my brother go down like that

Hugs

Renee day 5

[freeneasy]

Welcome back! At first I thought you were kidding(about smoking) but you are an addict like me..us. I have been struggling lately too with the "just one won't hurt" thought but then I think of your words-I don't want the rest that go with it. You must really be hurting for your friend- all you can do is be you which is enough.

[mel_74]

Sending prayers for your strength and for your friend to get back on track. Stay strong!

[janie29]

Thomas, I am very new here and have been helped by you (read your Home Page) and others on this site.  Today was day 13 as a NONSMOKER.  I am also 17 years sober.  There is absolutely nothing you can do to help your friend stop drinking.  I have to suggest you let that person know you cannot watch them destroy themself and stay away.  No one could make me stop drinking or smoking. It is sad to say, but most people have to reach their bottom before they decide to help themselves.  AA is the reason I am here today.  I had to take myself there.  Unfortunately sometimes folks get there forced by th e court.  AA and I believe this program says...the most important thing is that you take care of yourself.  That sounds somewhat selfish, but that is what it takes.  I wish you and your friend peace and love.

[Giulia]

  First thought, selfishly, “I’m so glad he’s back.  Even if only for a moment.”  

  You are mighty wise, Thomas, so trying to come up with something you haven’t thought about, or that will have an impact, will be pretty tough.  But can’t hurt to try.

  I’ll just speak from my heart (before reading any of the prior responses).  It’s usually the best recourse.  It astonishes me that you need help.  I’ll say that up front.  You seem to be a Master Quitter.  And I didn’t think Master Quitters would ever be in a position where their quit was seriously threatened.  A craving out of the blue, yes.  A whining here and there, yes - but to truly be in relapse mode?  Wow.  I’m glad I haven’t experienced that yet.  Note I said “yet.”    (And I consider myself a Master Quitter.)  But you are practicing what we’ve all preached - which is to come here and yell for help BEFORE the sad event of giving up everything that you’ve fought and believed in for so long.  Let me say that again - giving up a quit isn’t just starting again at Day One, it’s giving up everything you have fought for and believed in SINCE day One.  Forget the “smoking won’t alleviate the pain, the stress, the problem”.... yada yada yada.  THAT you know already.  

  A friend’s relapse is devastating.  Speaking from my recent experience with David who quit around the same time I did 7 years ago and relapsed in January of this year.  Here’s a link to that blog https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Giulia-blog/2013/04/14/thoughts-and-emotions-on-a-friends-r...  

  I think there might be something else going on inside you at the moment.  Just guessing.  I find it interesting that your friend’s relapse gave you the thought of “if he can, I can.”  (That must mean you want to.  Relapse.  Not smoke.  Relapse.)   That one never came into my head.  It scared me that someone whom I thought so secure in their quit could blow it, but it gave me no desire nor thought to do the same.  His relapse didn’t make me want to smoke.  It scared me.  Like one of those smoking nightmares we have.   That’s why I think there’s something else going on.  

  By what you said you are still allowing the possibility to smoke, the option is still open  in your mind.   Even after 3 years.  Else that thought wouldn’t enter.  I keep harping on this, but when you have truly closed that door, that potential reality  - of actually putting a cigarette in your mouth - just isn’t seriously contemplated.   You can think “I want a cigarette,” that kind of thought comes and goes.  But “if he can, I can” is a different thought entirely.  To my mind.  If I’m making any sense here.  

  I can certainly see WHY that thought would occur, however.  If you’re still looking for the  possibility door.  And that, of course, is simply the addiction speaking.   My question for you to ask yourself is - why are you still looking for that door?  What are you still lacking that you think a cigarette will give you?  What comfort?  What peace?  

  You can’t do a thing for your friend.  Except to keep loving him.  You CAN however stay true to yourself and your quit.  And that may be the best thing you can do for him.  To set that example.  He looks up to you for it.  You are a light in the dark universe of addiction for him.  Because of you he has something to strive for.  If you fail - where will he go then?  I know it’s a different addiction, but I also know you understand what I mean.  

  Now - at the bottom of it all - you have COPD.  Smoking would be REALLY DUMB!  And -  you can’t blow us all up.  We are etched in your psyche.  We will always be here - leaving the light of love on for you.  

[ken46]

Remember that you are stronger than that. Do not give in to the dark side. Follow your heart and use the force of willpower from within.

[stonecipher]

You have the gift of helping people.  All these comments are proof that you have impacted lives in a very positive way.  I don't think your job coaching quitters and educating about COPD is over.

Bless you.  I believe all will be well.

BTW, I like the advice about watching the Hugo videos as much as any of the suggestions! 🙂

[Giulia]

And PS - your relapse would be as devastating to me and all of those who know and love you on here, as your friend's relapse is to you.  Now you don't want us to to feel that way, do you?  Naw.....

[Thomas3.20.2010]

Thank You, everybody for your input! You have boosted me back into the Smobriety mindset! I'll continue to work on my Quititude and as EX Nancy says: Lock my Back Door! I'm grateful to each and every one of you for supporting me in my hour of need! Have a Peaceful Weekend!

[newlife5]

wow look at all the love ... bite a emon,,, thas what i did

[Jenny78]

So sorry to hear of your distress over your friends addiction.  There is only one person that we are responsible for and that is ourself.  Take care of yourself Thomas first!!  The rest of the world will fall into place. So glad that you are back into sobriety mindset!!

[pir8fan]

I can only repaet what you have heard 100 times! If you smoke ne you are back where you started! Where you started was wishing you were where you are now!

[Nyima_1.6.13]

Thomas, I am elated to see you back but so sorry to hear about your friend! I will not tell you things you already know but just remind you to take car of you! Your friend will have to save himself! Your love, carting and knowledge will not help him to quit! Be supportive when he is sober and walk away when he is drinking!

i'm glad you knew you could come to us for help and support! You have been missed!

[motherlovebone]

My heart lifted when I saw your name, but I am so sorry you are struggling.  I would never try to givwe advice from where I'm at, but a very wise man posted this on my blog when I was feeling low once, and it spoke to my heart:

xoxo Kristin