Grief and sorrow part two

[Gail561]

1. I’ve felt so much pain these past few days I wasn’t prepared for so fast and furious. As some of you knew there was a pack here not a full one. The temptation was too great with the grief didn’t want them just wanted a touch of my husband. One warned me and being human I fell in the trap. I had only two the night he died as I was numbed and shocked. I know I’m an oxygen user rest assured I had my concentrator off and not on it. Yes dumb in deed and didn’t chain smoke them. I grief of a sudden death at home and yesterday I had a half one and screamed outside but maybe in my head it was loud. I locked myself out of my own house last night. Tried to get my daughter attention couldn’t she was asleep. I couldn’t let her see me smoke. She has the software to lock the doors thought I was going to sleep on our front porch. I tried both doors forgetting about upstairs. Walked across the street to my neighbors house but they were asleep and didn’t here it. Finally remembered there is an upstairs tenant. As all else failed. I walked up a flight of stairs  knocked on her door and explained what I did. I couldn’t used my cell phone it was in the house. Realized all this wasn’t worth it. I wasn’t smoking again….the remaining ones that were here are now gone I gave them to a trusty friend who understood and knew I couldn’t have them here. I wouldn’t go out and buy them it was because they were his and just wanted one more connection and didn’t want to die. I will reset my quit day to today. I haven’t had one. Don’t like the taste, smell but couldn’t handle all this mess. I finally got his belongings today from the funeral home and inside was his cell phone as it wasn’t here going through slowly but definitely not smoking. I’m on adrenaline with only two hours of sleep last night. Please I’m strong but nothing prepared me for this.