I'm not smoking.
Aside from the 9-day-relapse-from-hell at the beginning of June, I would be out of NML. My original quit date was March 5. I still consider that date as my quit date, but to keep it straight with everyone on this board who might feel otherwise, I changed my date to June "whatever" when I got back from Seattle.
I have to say I felt like crap relapsing. I returned to hell and hated it. I learned this on my own. Having "blown off" a 3 month quit that I was very happy about, having gone through the withdrawals, air-headedness, then the gratitude to NOT want a cigarette... well, stupid is an understatement. Yet, I feel like I NEEDED to do that to really "get it." To stop glamorizing cigarettes, to stop feeling like I had to belong and be LOVED by my friends who smoke. To know that I am making a conscious choice to NOT smoke. No one is forcing me to quit. Looking back, it was one other thing I had to do on this path.
I'm one of those people in life that can be very hard on themselves about a lot of stuff. Overachiever comes to mind. I tend to do "overkill" on any project, from a design job, to cooking dinner. Anyone who knows anything, knows that is because of deep-seated insecurities. Feelings of low-self-worth. "Normal" people can balance without having to prove to themselves or anyone else all the time that they can do something.
When I had my relapse, I felt so bad about myself. I had failed. Again. All my feelings of inadequacy regarding being unable to quit smoking, to burning the bacon, to being wrong about anything and everything in life, came immediately into play. (All of these are "lies," by the way, but it's where my mind can go if I let it..) I certainly didn't need someone pointing out what a miserable addict-loser I was. I was VERY reluctant to come back to this board.
Funny thing happened, though. Some EXers started checking in on me. I called Dale and cried on his big, strong shoulders. I called Carolyn, I wrote to Cher. They said "STOP beating yourself up. We're here to help. When you get home, STOP smoking. Look at this as a "blip". Don't let smoking become your mindset again. It is temporary." They were understanding, compassionate, loving, caring, wonderful beyond words. That they cared at all made me feel better about myself. I haven't smoked since I got on that plane to come home.
I just had to write this. Maybe kicking someone when they're down works for some people on this board, but for me, it would probably have the reverse effect and I'd probably want to light up. Regardless, I wouldn't blame them for my smoking. Choosing to quit is a personal choice. Once that decision is made, so much in your life changes for the better.
Getting through the rough patches, whether it's a bad day, someone you love has died, the skin-crawly-thing in the beginning, or a heaven-forbid-relapse, is, to me, what this place is about. Support for those who want to quit and providing encouragement for those on the path, no matter how many times they may stray.
I went to a couple of real-live-support groups through the American Lung Association before I made it to where I am presently. I learned that the average quitter quits TEN TIMES before they make it. If you fail, keep trying. You will get there. This does NOT mean you can't do it the FIRST TIME. Many people can and do. This does not mean you WILL quit by the 10th time. Maybe it will take you 20, or 100 times. But you will get there! Each time you learn, each time you get stronger.
And when you are ready, really ready to be free, you will put that plan into place and never go back to smoking.
Blessings to you all and wishing you all another day of freedom.
