Finally 1 solid full day

[1940slover]

Finally 1 solid full day without smokes and I already want to run and hide.  I've been depressed, pouty, just feeling down trottin awful! The more I try to talk to people about this, the more I get angry.  If I hear one more person say well look what you're gaining, oh don't think like that, oh stop being negative etc. etc. I'm going to scream!

YES I FEEL DEPRESSED!

YES I FEEL DEPRIVED!

YES I FEEL AWFUL!

YES I'M GETTING ANGRY!

I am not making how I feel invalid!  I'm validating how I feel because it's truly how I feel! I'm not going to "try to change it" because guess what? This don't work!  I think people nowadays try to mask all the negative emotions, literally try to block them out. They think that negative emotions are horrible, bad, shouldn't be there, oh smile them out.  It doesn't work, I'm here to tell you it doesn't work. 

I used to be like that, put on a mask for everyone. Always be happy, always positive, always cheering people up!  Then something happened.

We had an apartment fire, we lost everythinggggggggggggggggggg!  All we had was our clothes on our backs and my glasses on my face.  Not even my ID and that took another year to get it.  Did being positive help anything? Nope and did any of my friends whom I always listened to, cheered up, made laugh, did they come help?  NOPE!  They didn't care!  Cigarettes helped me mask this side, I'm sure of it.  It helped me keep up this positive good negative bad society expects now! maybe a negative person and never knew it, if I am well this is me!

Now that I've started my new job which for a 40's lover, working for the state government is probably something that she would have done so my job is perfect. Although I don't know how I'm going to deal with coworkers and people on the phone like this. It might get better but I doubt I will be able to deal with screaming people and keep composure like this!  I couldn't even really do anything because it feels like it just took tedious effort just to make coffee!  It's not hard to make coffee in my perculator but it just felt like that.

[KMC56]

You will be stron..you will survive!!

[JonesCarpeDiem]

We all covered our emotions with smoking. You can make this a negative journey and see how long you last if that's your intention. Point of view is everything.

Congratulations on day won.

[1940slover]

Thanks but exactly my point!  ANOTHER PERSON OH DON'T BE NEGATIVE OH DON'T BE NEGATIVE OH SEE HOW LONG YOU LAST IF YOU MAKE THIS A NEGATIVE JOURNEY OH THIS OH THAT.  IF YOU'RE GOING TO BE LIKE THIS AND THINK EVERYONE HAS TO BE SOME HAPPY POSITIVE LITTLE FAIRY SPRINKLING FAIRY DUST THE SHUT THE HELL UP AND DON'T BOTHER WITH ME!

[1940slover]

Thank you I'm trying

[Thomas3.20.2010]

I don't recall anybody here saying "don't feel bad" or anything like that! Feel bad as long as you want to - Do you want to? I do recall folks suggesting that we can decide our perspective and choose our feelings. Have you chosen to feel depressed, deprived, awful and angry? I also heard people suggest that we don't have to hug emotions that don't serve our purpose. So I'm curious, what is your purpose? Do your present feelings serve that purpose? Letting go of feelings is not denying them - it's acknowledging and respectfully releasing them for now. 

[freeneasy]

Congrats on day one. It's horrible and I know how you feel. Quitting is doable. Hang in there. It's worth it and you won't regret it.

Learn How to Quit Smoking (and Make it Stick) 

[1940slover]

Okay I'll keep that in mind........thank you very much......even though in my last blog I respectfully put that I AM BIPOLAR!  So while your advice is taken please tell everyone with bipolar and much much anger and rage that they choose to feel angry and have rage, that they choose to feel manic, that they choose to have anxiety, that we choose to have depression.

Please tell us bipolars that because I'll be the first one to laugh in your face and tell you, you're full of it. You don't know what you're talking about! Oopppss I just did tell you that and it's the truth!  So you're basically saying oh we choose to have mental illness because bipolar is the inability to control moods along with a few other things.  SO DANG IT YOU JUST SOLVED IT WE CHOOSE TO FEEL THIS WAY, WE CHOOSE THE INABILITY TO CONTROL OUR MOODS.  I some times wonder if I'm really the crazy one? I'm not

Again, another person who doesn't understand and again another happy positive person that thinks that oh I just choose this and it can be just dismissed away.  Another person who I am going to tell this.

If all you want to do is put my feelings down, say oh we choose to feel this way and that I'm choosing to feel this way, this and that SHUT UP AND DON'T BOTHER WITH ME!

[1940slover]

Thank you, I'm trying to remind myself this that it is doable and I'll feel better, some time.  Right now I'm not really speaking to my family, I might blow up on them. I do hope you're right though!

[SkyGirl]

Hi, 40slover.  I haven't commented on any of your two previous blogs because other people here had already given you some great advice and encouragement.

But, you are so obviously angry now.  You are SCREAMING at Dale .   We understand that those first days can be really really really tough.  But there ARE ways to alleviate some of those physical and emotional feelings.

I'm wondering if you did any of the things that were suggested to you before you quit.  You did essentially say "Oh, you'll find this same old tired useless information everywhere".  From that, I got the feeling that you didn't read the stuff that was suggested or do anything to actually prepare yourself for the physical and emotional feelings that you will need to know how to deal with in order to beat nicotine.

But this is not the same old information, 40slover.  It may sound like things you've heard before, but it's not.  The advice and suggestions that we give to new quitters here on EX are things that have been proven to make a real difference.

We aren't little happy fairies, tossing fairy dust around, as you kind of suggested.   We know what quitting entails.  And it ain't always pretty...especially in the beginning.

But, 40slover, it CAN be done.  Many of us here are successful Quitters.  If you will read the advice, do the suggested reading, and open your heart and mind to receiving the help that we want to give you, you may have a change of heart. Most people do, eventually.

Please don't disparage the concept of "attitude".  Because attitude doesn't mean spreading butterflies and daisies to fool you into thinking that quitting is easy.  

It just means learning to accept that nicotine is a drug, proven to be as addictive as heroin.  And it means learning to separate your emotions and cravings from the addictive voice in your head.  It means making the small (okay, medium) effort to find out what you can do to make cravings easier to handle.   It means finally understanding that you truly aren't "losing" anything, being "deprived" or "doing without something you love".  And having a new attitude about quitting.  

Nicotine has PHYSICALLY altered your brain receptors and dopamine pathways.   So, of course, when you try to stop smoking, your brain starts screaming at you.  When you have educated yourself about how nicotine addiction affects your thoughts ONLY because of the way it has altered your brain, then you are much closer to beating nicotine that you might think.  

So what "finding a new attitude" means is educating yourself to the point where you understand that you don't  truly WANT to smoke.  And when you do, you don't truly "enjoy" it the way you think you do.  It simply means that the level of nicotine in your body has been reduced and your altered brain is yelling at you to replenish the supply of nicotine in your body!  So, when you do replenish that supply by smoking, your brain tells you that you really like smoking---because smoking has relieved the early withdrawal signs.

This may be way more information that you are willing to listen to tonight, and I totally understand that.  Those first three days are the worst.  When 72 hours has passed, ALL the nicotine will be out of your body.  And then your brain receptors and dopamine pathways will begin to heal.  And they WILL heal, as long you don't put any more nicotine in to your body.

It takes TIME, 40slover.  It is a process.  That is why we are here.  There are Quitters here in ALL stages of quitting.  Some you will connect with and some you won't.  That's okay, of course.  If you stay here and make the small effort to come here and blog every day in the beginning, you will receive a lot of support.  It's important to remember that nicotine is an "equal opportunity addiction".  Everyone's addiction to nicotine was just the same as your addiction is. 

Please don't smoke tomorrow.  You are 1/3 of the way to having ALL the nicotine out of your bloodstream.  You can do this.  Come back tomorrow...as many times as you can.  Blog how you are feeling.  Ask people what they did to get through what we call "Hell Week".  Ask us if it really DOES get easier.  It does, faster than you might think.

I would love to hear from you tomorrow.

And that ain't no sparkly fairy dust, Girl!

Sky

[1940slover]

Thank you Sky, I'm glad you understand.

I don't want to smoke, I'm using the nicotine patch but I think it's still screaming at me.  The physically horrible feeling is triggering depression is triggering my brain to scream at me and make me angry and depressed and I hate it.  I absolutely hate it.  I haven't felt this way since I wasn't medicated.

I tried everything to keep my mind off of it today! I cleaned my carpet, I cleaned my china, I slept, I did laundry, made coffee, you name it.  Instead, my brain was just laughing at me and saying yes you can feel better physically but I got your weakness.  You're moods.

I haven't smoked yet and just don't want to but at the same time, I hope that these mood swings pass even with a rather high dose of medication.  What's the worst that can happen? I get fired because I quit smoking and now I can't control my emotions anymore?  Oh wait that would be the worst because of loss of income. Nevermind

The point is is that I am willing to keep going, keep moving, keep not smoking UP to a point.  I am not willing to loose my job over quitting.  Will I continue? yes!  Will I try new coping skills? Why yes I will!  Will I try to find a little cheeriness even though I feel like my world has fallen apart right now? This is why I have my candles going. 

Do not say this can't happen because just last week someone got fired from my training class for 1 thing.  It was bringing paper and pen into the class, it's what the job considers a security breach.  I know it sounds stupid!  Even things like bringing cigarettes into class, it is considered paper, and you can be FIRED for it!  I always kept mine in the car until break or lunch.

The only thing that will make me stop this is if my job came to me and said, "Listen these last few (put days, weeks, months) you've been really slacking and unmotivated and angry and well you get the point. If things don't change we will have to let you go"  I haven't ran across that yet and I'm still in training so it's a good thing, the training is mostly just in a class room where they are teaching us the proper way on doing things. Also legalities stuff like that.  So I can at least ease into the job, 2 weeks time hopefully I'll be better.

[Thomas3.20.2010]

I only wish you the best - you won;t hear from me again.

[1940slover]

Fine and same to you

[SkyGirl]

I don't have a lot of experience with bipolar, but please tell me what you are doing now to treat it, both in the past and now, and if any of those treatments are helping.  

[SkyGirl]

And please not to be mad at Dale and Thomas.  They really do have your best interests at heart.

[1940slover]

Okay in the past I was on two medications

Seroquel (500mgs very high dose) and Lexapro (25 or 100 I can't remember) and after they realized that all seroquel did was put me in some horrible stupor and starting hurting my memory literally damaging it, it stopped.  This is when the psychiatrist told me that I could not work anymore unless it was clear, I had clear instructions everyday, and the answers are right there in writing which this job has.  I don't have to memorize anything it's right there.  Also the rules are clear and distinct, at the door where we have to check in the rules are there as well so we don't forget.

Now it's 100mgs of lamactil which when I smoke, everything is fine. My moods are stable with the nicotine/lamactil combination and it's been that way for years now. I love feeling normal, I love functioning, I love being the wife I should be. Even with working, I make sure everyone is fed and clean clothes and all that. Now my memory isn't there even now and even when I smoke.  It's permanently damaged I won't say smoking helps that. It doesn't at all!  When I quit, well you can see it here.  My moods are horrible, I feel horrible, I am horrible, I had to have my husband make dinner and take up most of the work, didn't want to go out anywhere today, like I said about the effort. I took a bath not too long ago and even that I didn't want to do.  I'm not interested in my game anymore, I play kingdoms of camelot on facebook.

My husband asked me a few mins ago are you going to be okay? I said yes, it's not at the blackest pit of despair yet. I hope it doesn't get there.

I started thinking is this anxiety instead? No it's not anxiety because my heart isn't racing, my brain isn't thinking anything right now, I have energy but not overabundance of energy just normal. I'm not thinking about impulsive decisions like spending 100 dollars on something useless, nothing.

So it's either depression which I'm sure you can agree it sounds like that or mania which the mania isn't like that normally but mania can express itself in anger or rage.  Uncontrollable anger or rage is 1 sign along with impulsive decisions or just euphoria. Or a mixed state which is both depression/mania together and a lot of people with bipolar disorder end up in the psychiatric hospital because of the mixed state.  I've been lucky, never been there.

[SkyGirl]

Whether it is a manic reaction to nicotine withdrawal or a depressive reaction is a question only a doctor can answer, I guess.  Do you see a psychiatrist (that you know and trust) on a regular basis?  If so, have you told him that you are quitting smoking (not "trying", not "attempting", not "hoping it works this time") and how that might affect your medications and the way they affect you?

It sounds like your husband is supportive.  But did you say he still smokes?   It complicates matters when a person who is trying quit has a spouse or partner who is NOT quitting.   Here's why:  EVERYONE who smokes knows that it is bad for them and they should quit.  If someone they are close to quit (especially in the same house), it can make them feel like you've somehow "betrayed" them by quitting.  They know they should also quit, but they aren't.  And when YOU quit, they see is as losing their smoking partner, their person who UNDERSTOOD.  But...1940slover, quitting smoking is a solitary decision.  It's not a couple's decision or a family decision.  It's a decision that each individual comes to all by themselves.  The best we can hope for is tht our still-smoking loved ones can step aside from their feelings that you are "leaving them", and support you by not smoking around you, not talking about smoking,  not suggesting that the two of go places where people are smoking.  If they are the best partner EVER, they will help you by making sure that none of his cigarettes are ever left alone where you could easily grab one.  They will understand and accept that this is really difficult in the beginning and that the best thing they can do is to distract you by taking you to places that you do not associate with smoking.  There is a GREAT letter here on EX called "Letter to My Loved Ones".  Do a search for it.  If it seems to address your situation, print off and give it to him.  If you have friends or family that smoke or have never smoked, give them a copy, also.  

I have so much more to say to you to help you realize that you are not alone.  Not in manic stuff, not in depressive times and (and this is the important part to quitting successfully): as long as you keep coming back to EX each day,or as often as possible, to make contact, ask questions, tell us your feelings, shout our your successful feelings (which WILL come) if you stick with this.

xxxooo, Sky

[SkyGirl]

And, maybe you already know this, but anger is a very common result of depression.  Many folks think that depression is just momentary and they should simply buck up.  Wrong.  It's real.  REAL.

[1940slover]

Thank you and I'll try to find it.

[SkyGirl]

Wow, my fault.  I must have hit the send button before I was finished.  I did write back, answering your questions, but now I just have to get some sleep.  Tomorrow, I fly from San Diego to Los Angeles, then from Los Angeles to Orlando.  I will finish my thoughts tomorrow.  Just, please, don't smoke.  Each day gets easier and, seriously, do you ever want to live through this Day 1 again?

Sky

[stAn3]

I experienced clinical depression symptoms all this week, my first week without nicotine. It has gotten better. I have had to use coping skills just to get out of bed and stop the constant thoughts of suicide. I made it through. I dont feel so depressed now and I'm glad I didn't smoke to make the pain go away. In the past I relapsed because I wasn't willing to experience those feelings and thoughts.

No advice, just experience strength, and hope. It gets better as long as we don't put nicotine in our bodies. 

[karen-lane]

Congrats on the one day, tomorrow will not be that much easier I am sorry to say, but it will get better sooner than you think.