FAILED. That's part one of my story...

[dahliasmith]

So. The 7th was my 1 month smoke free..I smoked..... bad things happened...very bad things. Oh well right? ..What I've learned is life deals you situations that make you NOT CARE.... to fight THOSE are a bitch....but we need to. We wont want to.. we just have to.. be smarter right?? RRRRRRRRRRARRRR!

Nightmare. Total effing nightmare.. wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.. not in any single lifetime. IT.WAS.HELL. 

What did it do for me? And they say- That which doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.... I'm no stronger... I throw up almost daily.. from stress.. from pain.. I go through HELL all of the time and I admit, there are those who have it still worse than me and I pray for them but omg... that doesnt make it any easier on me. They say: God never gives us more than we can handle.. and I believe that. It tells me that there are some strong people out there...but for the strength I have...I've hit my quota...my max. I am not as strong as I thought I was.. stong in some parts, weak in others.

Alcohol is my problem..not cigarettes.. smoking just comes with the territory.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1cQh1ccqu8M

It's death in a bottle. Tonight I fell to my knees and cried... begged the sick feeling to go away as I smoked..what do you think is the bigger problem? Cigs or alcohol? .... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q3zkkLckeyM  I used to think this song was cute and funny... now it's just evil... and wrong because it does sooo much more than that... it should say: "I can make you smoke like a chimney, I can make you vomit blood..I can give you liver damage, and make you pray for your life..."

Is there a site like this for alcoholics? My real name is Amanda, and I AM an alcoholic. It burns to have to say so, but I don't care anymore. It will kill me faster than cigarettes... You know what alcohol does to me as far as nicotine?...It makes me smoke, then, 5 seconds after a cigarette I break out the nicotine gum to chew in between. 

I had a good person try to reach out to me on this (Judy)..she noticed it so fast.. I tried to quit but I failed. Apparently people caring about you doesnt even help..I wish it did.. if it did I'd be better to my husband..he doesn't want to go through it anymore....anymore than I do. My mom used to warn me that people in my family just should not drink. My mom ended up with a brain tumor (not part of drinking, but she used to drink, and drank later and had a seziure..shes fine these days..it keeps her from drinking, but I remember the days when she said she puked blood too.... I cried and was so scared for her). 

So when you can't smoke.. what's that feel like? Are you kneeling in front of the toilet, sticking your finger down your throat, just to ensure you'll feel a little less crappy tomorrow? I am NOT making light of nicotine withdrawl..know that... but it sure is hard to quit when you drink and drinking and cigs go hand in hand.. that's for sure. 

Even now.. after crying and praying for help, I know theres more, and I contemplate drinking it. It's time to fight. Quitting cigarettes is hard, but for me, it's not my biggest task. I have a nightmare ahead of me. Something that is far more difficult for me to fight...and it's ruining my life. What to do....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eRv0jVZtdbY

[kirkhere]

I don't know you but I sense a deep desire in you to live a better life failure does not define you. Your desire to be the best defines you. You didn't fail you just fell down, pick yourself up brush off the dirt and get back in the race. Keep praying, you will win this. Good luck God Bless

[dahliasmith]

Thank you sooo much!! ❤️ I'll fight to the death, for sure!! 🙂

[Pops]

Good morning,

Tough stuff you're writing about.  You don't go to the neighborhood barbershop to get your car fixed, and you don't go to the garage to get your hair done.  Each item has it's own needs & so do your situations.  If you are going to AA, I would ask if you have reached out for a sponsor and followed their suggestions.  i.e. 90 meetings in 90 days, stay close to others in recovery, avoid slippery places?  Those are all life saving measures.  Here on eXmates, we deal with the rediculously tough foe called nicotine.  In your travels, you will probably hear something called singleness of purpose.  That holds true in life, not just recovery.  

I feel your pain @ I also am duelly addicted, and am quite sure that many here are as well.  We're talking the OCD type of personality.  Seems to run hand in hand with addictive type behavior.  If you don't like what you're getting out of this life...then quit doing what you're doing...If you want what others here or in AA have...you'll have to reach out & inquire what it is that they are doing, and start doing that.  Sound tough? Well it is!  If this was easy, there wouldn't be a need for these type of support groups.

Just keep doing it, (and I mean by following suggestions, because that is how you do it) and do it some more...and share with other sufferers of the same plight what you did to get out from under that cloud of impending doom.  

One last thing, that cloud of impending doom that seems to be hanging right over our heads...did you ever wonder what that really was?  I did for years, it used to baffle me.  My sponsor finally enlightened me & said exactly what it was...IMPENDING DOOM!!!  If I didn't start making significant changes in my behaviors and lifestyle, I would feel the full impact of it soon.

I've been a little over the top here, and I apologize if it seems to be a bit strong, but this disease of addiction is much stronger than I could ever be.

Good luck to you & God bless

ken aka Pops

[luxie]

Dear Dahlia

My heart goes out to you, as I read your post many questions came to mind , so you know you have a drinking problem right? I think there is far more help to stop drinking then there is to stop smoking out there. Have you talked to your doctor? I am sure you could get in touch with AA in your area. It sounds like you have come to a croosroads in your life and want to turn your life around. You are trying to fight two evils at the same time. If drinking constantly causes you to relapse then you might have to find a way to stop drinking first and then stop smoking. I would also like to suggest to get checked out by a doctor as well. I hear all too often that stress causes many people to fail as well, if that's the case why not sign up for a stress management class or counceling? I think we could all use advise in that category.

My brother in law had a time in his life were he spend an average of 600-800 dollars a month at the bar, after he finally admitted that he had a problem, he did turn his life around, even bought a $45.000 Mustang he said that the payment is as much as he used to spend on drinking.LOL

I hope youre having a better day today

Marion

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Sorry if this is blunt. I'm known for it.

I don't know how to help anyone who has bought into this doom stuff.

I wouldn't want to live my life like that. I believe you are an addict when you are using.

I'm with Marion, why if you know you can't handle alcohol do you ever touch it?

Why if your mom drank but was able to stop because of an illness, do you believe this?

It doesn't have to be an illness it can be a choice.

As long as you keep making the wrong choices and blaming everything else?

Well, here you are and here you will stay.

[stonecipher]

God gives us more than we can handle on a regular basis.  But we keep right on trying to handle it.  Some of us handle it with alcohol.

I don't want to make light of your beliefs but I believe differently about that saying.  I say

God doesn't give us more than we can handle WITH HIM.  They key is letting Him do the handling.

I think that is what AA teaches as well.

Give up trying and let God, and people, help you.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

I can only know what you tell me. and I'm not judging you.

I just don't want you to believe you are incapable. People who believe they are incapable stay incapable

[needhelp01201]

Get to AA now!! Thereare meetings all over the place.90 days 90 meetings.You have done the hard part and addmitted to yourself you are an alcaholic now please go get help.I'll be thinking of you. Harvey

[smorgy8513]

If you can get out of the house to go to therapy you can get out of the house to get to AA.   No cost, much education and support.    Talk to your therapist as to how you can do that.      I wish for you to find what you need to be free.    I do know you will have to take some risks to walk through all of this.

Sharon

[constanceclum]

I am an alcoholic who has smoked for 42 yrs. I also am bipolar/depression and I have to force myself to leave the house. I am 55 yrs old with severe copd. If you don't fight this battle now, the consequences will only get worse. I didn't see you mention anything about AA or a psychiatrist. Antidepressants will not work if you are drinking and, for me anyway, I could never quit smoking if I was drinking.

I have had long periods of sobriety only to relapse. This time I have 6 months I've reached a point where I can't drink without getting horribly sick.

Get to an AA meeting to today. Plan on going to a meeting everyday for awhil. Find a sponcer who will take you through the steps. Find a psychiatrist who will prescribe meds, and be patient with this. It took me a long time to find the right meds. See a therapist to help with all of these problems and to help with your self-esteem issues and stay on this site even if you slip. Keep getting back on the horse. Get in the habit of prayer and meditation. You will learn more about this in AA.

These are the things you have to do to get the support you need. You are not a failure. You have the disease of addiction and you can't quit without support and doing the leg work. 

Wishing you the best,

Connie

[Thomas3.20.2010]

I see so many people here responding with experience. They've been there - done that - and are now living Addiction FREE! Dahlia, you can have that freedom too! You are younger than a lot of us so you have the advantage of time! Some of us have serious addiction related illnesses but we still have all of the barriers and challenges that we had before - and we're still "living life on life's terms." get the help you have available all around. Research shows that multiple addictions are so intertwined that they must be addressed simultaneously! It's not impossible... You simply have to decide! Nothing easy about it - but doable! Make some phone calls. That won't cost you anything but time.

[Breakinchains]

"We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

Oscar Wilde

I too have had struggles with alcohol. It is not so much where you are, as keeping your eye on where you want to go. 

[pir8fan]

At some point you have to look in the mirror and realize that you are a valuable human being, deserving of love! That love has to start with loving yourself, and accepting the fact that you deserve more, and are worth more than you will ever find at the bottom of a bottle! It has to grow into respect for yourself, and caring for others! Caring about those who care about you! And, caring about those you can set an EXample for!

You own self-esteem will grow with each day you are successful! And you pride can carry you past anything! So, go look in the mirror, and tell yourself that you are worth this effort! And, never let anyone tell you anything different!

It is time to take control of your life! Chart the course on which you wish your vessel to sail! Do not let that course be dictated by any addiction that enslaves you! Belong to yourself!

[luxie]

Just one more little suggestion

A hard and tiring workout can and will help with many of your issues. Sign up for a few Bootcamp,kickboxing,self defense classes maybe three times a week.I belong to Krav Maga worldwide maybe you have one in your area as well. I would have never believed anyone giving such advise if I hadnt tried it for myself.

I do not believe in meds and dont take any unless I tried anything possible to cure my self naturally. I have been prescribed Xanax before for Panic attacks, they made me sick and I flushed them down the toilet.

You really make time for yourself rightnow to heal your mind and body, do this for yourself and the ones that love and care about you.

Marion

[MoeUnfiltered]

Dahlia,

No absolute  answers..pick one from above or pray until something happens...

PUSH.......

I only have my own answers about this heavy stuff but others on here do have wisdom.

I offer a statement.

Thank you God for giving Amanda courage to face her fears.Amen

[constanceclum]

Some of your posts sound very defiant which is a charater all alcoholcs have. It will kill you at a very young age if you don't surrender. I never suggested Xanax which is an anti-anxiety med not an anti-depressant which does not mask mood but rather fixes an unbalanced brain chemistry.

Remember true ignorance is contempt prior to investigation

Connie

[ericka]

Yes I have failed too...I will do this with you! I killed my biggest monster years ago and I divorced the cause....drugs. So I do know how hard it is to fight...YOU GOT THIS. We can live without smoking and happy too. quitsmoking.com is a site I am going to follow up with. This is a great place to get support 🙂 I fell but picked myself up and here we go again!

Take care an stay strong 🙂