Tomorrow is my quit date! I have my water bottles, nicotine gum, and candy ready! Today I have smoked a couple more cigarettes than I have over the past couple days... I guess that part of me which doesn't want to let go is just fighting for one last fling! Each time I smoke I feel dirty and guilty. I was thinking, this must be what it feels like to have an affair.... doing something even though you know it's wrong. Giving in to your desires even though you know the results will be tragic. Then, I thought that smokng has been like a love affair for me.... it's something I keep going back to even though it is wrong and bad for me and my family. But I'm ready to end the affair. I decided to write a farewell letter to cigarettes....
Dear "John" (AKA Camel, Pall Mall, Marlboro, etc....)
We've been seeing eachother for a long time now. You know that I have been distant lately. I have decided that this is over. What we have... it can't go on. I am going to say goodbye to you and end this affair.
Not that we haven't had good times - I will look back fondly on some of the times we had together. But these nostalgic moments will be about the memories of times past; not of your presence. At times I will think that maybe I should come back to you; I will think that being with you again will make me feel better. But I cannot allow myself to continue this affair. I have realized that for all the time we have spent together, you have done nothing good for me. At times I thought that you were making my life easier, but in all truth... I didn't do anything with you that I couldn't have done without you. Being with you has taken time away from my family, and has cut years off my life that I might spend with them. Being with you has made me feel dependent and weak... I need to spend time doing things that make me feel independent and powerful. There was a time I thought I loved you, and I foolishly thought you loved me too. But I know that in truth, you have done nothing but hurt me and control me. You never loved me. You never helped me in any way. When I thought that I loved you, it was only my dependency on you and my fear of not being able to cope with life without you that made me cling to you. It has all been a lie, and it ends now.
I know that for awhile, I will think of you constantly. I will see you in the faces of people that I know. I will smell you as I pass by the places where you linger. I will see you in the stores, in my work place, and hanging out with my friends. I will want to be with you because it is familiar to be with you.... because you have been present in my life for so long. That is the only reason I will long for you... because you are familiar. But in my heart I will be happy to be free of you. I want you to be happy for me too... because I will finally be the strong person that you always made me believe that I was. There was a time you made me feel confident... now I truly will be confident and strong. Now that I know the truth about you and our relationship, I know that this is something I have to do. I can't stay in a relationship that is hurting me.... actually KILLING me... with absolutley no benefits at all! I won't leave you with the "It's not you...It's me" line... although the lines of that Fergie song do come to mind...
"The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection, baby
To be with myself and center
Clarity, peace, serenity
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry
The path that I'm walkin', I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightenin' out to do...."
