Emotions are not my friend

[mattie1224]

Allow me to preface this post with the fact that I am still smoke free and have been for 9 whole days! And that if you don't like long posts then stop here!

That said, I am having an existential crisis/emotionally driven response today and it is only 10am.  I know that everyone will respond to this post saying "thats normal, that's what is supposed to happen, its great you made it this far, it will only get better if you DON'T smoke" and I get it - but I just need to get this out.  

What if I don't have the stamina and strength to succeed - what if I just can't make it through this? The old addage is what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, which would be a lot better to accept if this were a lot easier a process.  Then again, the other old addage is if it were easy then everyone would be doing it - and truth is it is easier to give in and smoke then it is to hang the addiction up.  So yes, my rational thinking tells me that this is the right thing to do, this is the path I am supposed to be on, this is what you want and need in order to survive.  My rational thought also tells me that there is nothing inherent about the cigarette that will make life easy, or will make my stress dissapate, or will cause me to feel any better.  So instead I sit with my racing thoughts surrounding all that I need to accomplish.  In fact I have done much harder and more stressful things in my life (such as sitting for the MCAT and applying to medical school not once but twice - no to mention that I am now trying to struggle through such education!) but this just seems more emotionally charged for me, and this is something I'm not used to dealing with - I don't like emotions, I bury them - I don't like to be quick tempered, I'm usually even keeled - though I show outward empathy and sympathy, I never want such emotions targeted at me.  

Emotion number 2: what if I'm not worth it? I realize 95% of the time that I am a valuable human being, that I have something to provide in this world, that I am a good person with good morals and good intentions, and that overall I am worthwhile.  Yet every so often (as such today) I get this ridiculously absurd notion that I am worthless, that I don't deserve happiness, that I have no other existance here on earth then to take up space and oxygen.  In that emotion lies the conundrum of smoking - it was a way for me to give into this emotion - to say yeah you know what its right, I am worthless and I deserve the self-hate that I am inflicting upon myself, let me light another.  It was a self perpetuating cycle that I finally ended when I decided to quit - now suddenly I have no choice but to refute these emotions or allow them to consume me for a period of time.  Well today I'm letting these emotions win, and in the process my school work is suffering since I can't seem to find the motivation to actually sit and study the second half of the material for the exam on monday.  I need to extricate myself from this funk in which I find myself, and find some way to cope and move on.  There are a multitude of ways to do such, each though just seems to require too much energy.

Emotion #3: Despair and grief seem to be intimately conjoined.  I look back at the depression that lagued my aunt and led to her eventual suicide, and I cannot ever imagine what that pit must look like or how to begin to crawl out of it.  Even though this event was 5 years ago, it still seems like only yesterday, and the emotions I felt then are the emotions I feel now - sadness, self-hate, and loss.  The one emotion I never found though this process was anger - I have always had a puzzling reaction to anger, as it is not an emotion I like feeling nor dealing with - so perhaps that as well as my deep empathy for my aunt in her need has led me to not be angry with her choice.  Many in my family have been angry about this, but I find myself lost in more of the sadness of not being able to call her up and relay my latest good news - for she was the one who pushed me my entire life, and now I need to simply rely on myself to push me forward.  I have done so through the application process of medical school, and most of the time I am able to find my motivation, but this quit has just brought out the worst of my emotions that just need to be released.  And I find myself in the situation where: 1) I could go back to the old addiction and find time in the future to quit (as if this will ever work!) or 2) actually face these emotions head on (as I am doing with this blog post!).  Soclearly I have chosen path 2 - which will ultimately get me to where I want to be - but in the day to day plodding, this is just another hum drum day of dispair.

I often seek validation of myself through outside sources.  This is of course a terrible way to live one's life - since you are not in a popularity contest for the rest of your life and your true self should always be interior not exterior. However, I find it challenging to face my inner self.  My inner self is not a happy person, though he exudes confidence and hapiness exteriorly; my inner self is consumed with self-hate and self-loathing, yet he consistantly expresses love and caring for any other human being; my inner self is lonely and guarded, though he has many friends and support.  My inner self is consistantly at odds with my exterior presentation to the world, and rectification is needed.  I like my exterior self, and those aer the values with which I ascribe, yet my inner core seems to not want to come on board with that exterior.  My inner self is the ball and chain that is holding me back from true freedom and true happiness.  

Again, I realize that smoking will not change any of these emotions or thoughts - and I also realize that these thoughts are being heightened due to my quit - so this is just a cathartic exercise in emotion expression, of which I am unaccustomed.  I will not let these emotions and thoughts consume me for too long, for I know that that leads to a full on depression, but for now I need to just allow these emotions to exist, counter them as best I can, and attempt to move on with my day.  I have succeeded on this path in the past and I will continue such in the future.  If you have made it this far, thank you for listening to my rant, you need not reply but perhaps as Thomas recommended just leave me a ❤️ or a blank reply.  Hopefully this doesn't drag anyone else into my pit of dispair - most seem to be really hapy with their quits and normally so am I, today is just one of those days and I'm sure we have all been here.  Thanks for listening. 

[julia20]

[Blank reply]

p.s. EXAMS SUCK! Good luck.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

"life's a bitch and then you die"

can you find any humor in that at all?

we each have to choose to make each day the best we can whether we are smokers or non smokers.

the sad thing is, smokers build their lives around smoking and don't even realize it

[Jordan-11-1-12]

As I'm sure you're aware, but I'm going to "say" it anyway...

Your addiction is no stronger or weaker than mine, or than the Elders who have years of time.  You can do this!

The more time smoke-free time you have, the stronger feelings of self worth, the stronger your self confidence.  I have an anxiety disorder and, even though initially my anxiety rose early on in my quit, I have been amazed lately at how much less general anxiety I suffer now! You are an important person and you deserve to live free of this evil addiction!

Being so busy intellectually with exams and such, please make sure to get enough exercise to try and make up for the endophins (excuse spelling!) that aren't being stimulated now that you're not poisoning yourself!

GREAT vent!!   Great way to protect your quit!!!  Keep up the good work! You can do it (this quit, and exams!!)

[kris54]

❤️ (fantastic description of addiction and how it resides in our body and brain. Well done)

[lauren02019]

I know you don't need advice and you're just venting but I can't help myself  🙂

(1)Take a mental health day if you can.  I'm taking one today.  I've had an exhausting week and because of lack of sleep (i.e. not taking care of myself) I've been having really intense cravings.  Really intense, crying in my car on the side of the road, ready to stop at the gas station to buy a pack kind of cravings.  

(2) Go to Pandora.com and type in your favorite comedian and listen for awhile.  I'm doing this now and it's an instant mood lifter.  

(3) Go to google and type in "DBT skills".  These are basically techniques for coping with uncomfortable thoughts/feelings.  They're great and I use them with the kids and parents I work with.  I also use them myself.

[mygirls-6-5-17]

Just want to let you know I'm here and have had many of the same thought and feelings. 

[Mike.n.Atlanta]

You're doing the right thing with the blogging. If you're bloggin you ain't smokin. That said...as far as your being strong enogh goes, you'll have all you need when you need it if you want it. Did that make sense?

About your family's anger towards your aunt...I was very angry at my cousin for a long time. I couldn't believe how selfish she was by denying her life to her children & all who loved her. It's a very selfish act.

Anyway keep blogging when you need to. Vent, tell jokes or just rattle on about nothing. You know we'll understand.

Keep on keepin on,

M n @ 

[Ex_Nancy]

Fabulous venting! The next time you start thinking too much or get *EMOTIONAL*  repeatedly sing "puff the magic dragon" or "lthe little red robin" or some other silly song like that. It will reboot your brain usually! (what about "I'm henry the eight I am")?   img alt="" src="" />

[Giulia]

I got terribly confused as a youth because one minute I'd feel strong and capable, outgoing, and then the next moment a bus driver could say a mean word to me and I'd crumble and want to hide.  Sometimes at parties I'd be gregarious and sometimes I'd sit alone by a wall, being an observer.  Why was there that dichotomy emotionally within me?  I eventually gave up trying to find the why.  Probably one of the reasons I became and actress - having all these different personas in my emotional makeup.  The minute I just accepted that dichotomy as part of my makeup - all the confusion dissolved.  Same thing was true of wanting acknowledgement. for the good deeds I did.  I often felt hurt because I'd go out of my way to do nice things for people and rarely get a thank you.  (Well, I lived in NYC, so whadda ya expect, lol) And I got to a point where I said, "fine," nobody is grateful, why bother, I'm not getting any nourishment back."  And then I grew up spiritually and realized I couldn't NOT do good things for people.  That's who I am.  And whether or not I got the needed acknowledgement then became unimportant.  And there are days I think I'm a very worthwhile person and others when I consider myself the most selfish piece of #(#* on earth.

I'm not sure why I'm relayiing those stories, except to say you're not alone.  And emotions in and of themselves are not bad things - they help us grow spiritually.    But you might just be too bright for your own good sometimes.  When self-analysis turns us too much inward, we need to get out.

[Danno_11-10-12]

Keep plugging away. 

[jboone]

HOLY COW... I just love reading your blogs:) You should not be going to med school (altho its a great profession) You should be writting books, lol.. I think that you have an awsome idea on what you really want to do and you are FOPCUSED!!  Besides you can't give in to the SMOKING cause your one of my quit buddies and one of the few on here that I really get into on knowing how your day has gone.. I appreciate your feelings and also understand them completely!! My advise STAY SMOKE-FREE if not for yourelf but for ME, We are on the same PAGE in this NOVEL:) Keep your head up and you will do great with the EXSAMS and your choice on smoking!!!