I have come back to the place where I started. I found this site and found some success. I am hoping to do a better job this time and make my previous 125 or so days of not smoking mean something. Doesn't the saying go that it does not matter how many times you get knocked down, what matters is how many times you get back up? I am pulling my sorry butt off the canvas and standing up again. The fight starts over Monday.
Battered and bloodied, my character revealed, the true test of character is what you do when no one is looking. It is humbling to be working successfully at something that makes you proud and feel good about yourself only to fail. Shamefully, it is like stealing from a blind man's cup. There is no gain or honor. Just some loose change rattling around in your pocket.
Three months and some without smoking and then I just made a choice to smoke. I have not yet figured out why. That bothers me. But of all the emotions I feel, anger, dispair, a sense of worthlessness, the emotion that is the strongest is shame. I am truly ashamed of myself. But I am not going to quit, quitting. Cowboy up. The rodeo is starting over Monday.
Lee
