Disappointed in myself...I'll be back.

[yvette5]

Hello to all. If you've noticed, I have removed my countdown (non-smoking thingy). I had gone 6 days without smoking and was feeling good about it. Each time I was tempted, I always found a way to fight the urge. Well, if you know me and my life...you'd understand when I say, "I had a breakdown" on the 7th day. The emotions were so overwhelming (please read up on depression & anxiety if you don't understand)...could not breathe, I was crying and there was this scream that had to come out of me and I couldn't let go of it so holding that in was hurting me. I wished that I could just express myself the way that I felt I needed to but, my 3 girls were home. I consider myself strong if, during all this, I can reason and know that if I express myself (Like I said, needed to scream and felt like if I got off my bed I was going to tear my room apart)...what a scene that would be for my girls, huh? I kept thinking that I had to try to keep it together, you can't let it out because there might be no coming back. Can you understand that? I mean, what if I do go nuts and I'm never the same again. What SO MATTERED to me was that my girls were here and I know they knew what was happening to me but, I did not want them to think that they make me feel this way. Sure, there are triggers. I get angry if they show disrespect, don't take the effort to wash dishes, whatever...but, it's not about that. I tell them off for it but mostly because, in the first place, I'm already feeling the anxiety & depression...then I realize I have to reel myself in and get my ass in the room before say things I don't mean and hurt them. Cigarettes are a crutch. I know that. I had a shrink who I expressed it to once and she totally understood. It's like I'm just going around in circles, I want to quit and make the effort but my inability to cope w/ the simplest upsets in my life and my illness are already too much...then I'm disappointed w/myself because I failed at it again. It's a cycle and she said that I can't keep punishing myself for it. So, if I need to smoke to get by...do so. Well, at the time I thought that's just what I'll do. Now, I don't want that. I want it so badly that it brings me to tears (Yeah, more crying again!). So, I will try it again. All smokers know that it takes a few tries before we can do it sometimes. I won't give up.

I wondered why I was so upset yesterday (9/24). There was this feeling that wouldn't go away, anger, hurt, discontent, you name it and I felt it. It has carried on to this morning. Yesterday was the anniversary of my father's death and I didn't even remember that. Like my shrink said, my mind knows it and it will resurface on it's own. God! I miss him so much! He had anxiety & depression and didn't get help or know it until before he died. So, he couldn't cope and we grew up in a very angry, violent environment (his drinking didn't help). I knew, even as a kid that there has to be something wrong with 'this man'...why does he do this to us? I hated him and feared him for years, yet I loved him and was desperate for that in return. So, I've forgiven him because NOW I KNOW, NOW I KNOW what was happening to him. He drank to cope w/ his illness, he was a Vietnam Veteran and had severe Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Who can deal with that? I didn't get the chance to fix things with him and it hurts so bad. I'm 40 years old and I've forgiven him so why do I still hurt? I NEED HIM. That's how I feel. I want to talk to him, hug him and love him...the way he needed us to and the way he deserved. I know that he's aware of all that's happening to me and I also know that he would want me to let it go...BUT, I JUST CAN'T. The irony of this whole thing is that I know I'm strong, different shrinks have told me I'm strong because I have chosen to seek help and never give up. Because, people who are depressed think about suicide all the time. I do. But, I CAN NEVER DO THAT, I have too much love for my husband and children...that's where I get my strength from...LOVE. Plain and simple. So, I have my fits but hold on tight so I don't lose it. I am fortunate to have a husband who has taken the time to come w/ me to see my shrinks, who has read up on it, who just hears me out and holds me. Many men would have been driven away after 15 yrs. My children? I never, for one minute, want them to think that I'm in the room crying & hurting because it's something they did or didn't do. Mama is just a nut! (ha,ha,ha, had to lighten up there a bit).

Sitting here and blogging, I have shed some tears and expressed myself. I'm still sad and hurting but, this helps. There are many people who are uncomfortable w/ people like me because they don't know what to do or say and they NEED TO KNOW THAT THERE'S NOTHING TO DO OR SAY...I'll be okay after a while. I just need to be heard or to express myself.

I am going to try to do something today to make myself feel better. I'm going to have that cry that's welling up inside me again and then I'll go somewhere...even just for a ride. You should know that even with all this, I LOVE MYSELF, I'm strong, I do the best I can as a parent, I will never give up ..ing myself and I love my family with all my heart and soul...that will all see me through times like this. That and the fact that God knows all this and is probably laughing at me...he'll see me through too. Love to you all, Yvette