Yeah I kinda dropped from the site after I started smoking again last month, why? because I was ashamed. I still came to the site often I just didn't post, almost daily I checked in added to my prayer list, smiled at the mile stones people have made, but I just could not get myself to commit to the quit nor comment on the site. Over the last month I had a day or two of not smoking, or hours would go by and I would think maybe...thinking maybe was my first step to smoking again. Monday night I finally gave myself the lecture. I was already getting back to healthy eating and my exercises and just general self care, but I also knew my biggest non self care that had to stop was smoking so Monday night I had my final sickarette, came into the house, I had 4 sickaretts left in my pack and I put them into my roommates pack on the counter,. tossed the empty pack and haven't looked back. Tuesday morning I woke up about 7am, asked my roommate to take the dog out to go potty, he did (changing my routine up, that is when I would have my first sickarette of the day) I got my water bottle filled, had my breath mints handy, but did not have the desire to smoke, because I don't do that anymore. I kept myself busy, got my running around done before the snow started around noon, then hunkered down for the night. I was up all night, but never once had the desire to step outside into the frigged snowy weather and smoke. I also realized I can see my dog from the door window so as long as she is within sight I don't have to go outside when its snowing. I also just step right down off the porch, away from the "smoking table" when I take the dog out now. I finally fell asleep around 6am this morning. Got up a few hours later, my roommate had gotten all the sidewalks shoveled clear of the 4" of snow we got bringing our 2018-19 winter snow fall to an impressive 33", 17" above our average and more snow expected tomorrow and Saturday too.
This afternoon I went to the bank to try and get the last of my husbands financials handled, had to wait for the manager to get back from lunch so I went to the pharmacy, the pharmacy tech was finishing up something said she would be right with me, a few moments later walks to the stand where the bags of prescriptions are kept and said "For Jack right?", I shook my head, started getting teary eyed and said, no "for me, Tabitha". She gets the bag, steps to the counter, I take a deep breath and say " Jack passed away 5 months ago" she apologized, said she hadn't seen me in months, she had a new position in the back and was just filling in today. I used to go in for my husbands meds many times through the month so I understood why. I told her it was fine, I got checked out, walked to the door and started crying and had to sit in the truck for a few minutes before going back to the bank. In the past I would have lit up a sickarette or three, but I don't do that anymore. I did grab a breath mint before I pulled out of the parking lot though to keep my focus on going straight to the bank and not stopping at any one of the 3 gas stations or smoke shop. Made it to the bank, manager approved the transaction and I walked out a happy camper knowing that except for the final hospital bills to process through I am finished with the financials, I even got our taxes filed for 2018.
I was tempted to post last night- day one won, but I was afraid I would just put myself into the "shame" feeling if I did light up again. After today, after going through what I did stress/emotionally and not really thinking about smoking, yeah I know I don't do that anymore so I can confidently say I am a non-smoker and have two days smoke free behind me.
Thankful for all of you
Tabbie
2 DOF
