I quit smoking on Thursday, October 8, 2009. I picked this date because it is the birthday of my late older brother, and I know if he were here he would be encouraging me to kick the habit. I decided to quit because I've always known cigarettes are bad for me, and the negative feelings I have towards them have become outstandingly apparant. I used to despise cigarettes, until I was introduced to the clove cigarette when I was 19. Once I got tired of the cloves, I switched to regular cigarettes.
The last time I quit was over a year ago, and I quit for four months. I remember how good I was starting to feel: I could breathe better, I felt "clean" and healthy, I didn't wake up nauseous or choking on phlegm, and my family was proud and relieved that I had "quit". However, I was using an electric cigarette so I didn't really abandon my initial smoking habits- just modified them. Additionally, my boyfriend (and best friend) is a heavy smoker. When my electric cigarette eventually gave out, I gave in. I began bumming cigs off of my boyfriend (after intense begging), then starting buying my own packs again. I was really disappointed in myself, and I knew my parents were let down. I got over it for a while, until all of the negative feelings and realizations came back to me. I've tried to quit twice since then, but each effort only lasted for a few days. I tend to start thinking negatively about quitting. I often think "Well, I'm eventually going to die from cancer or heart disease anyway, so what's the point?" My problem here is that I really don't desire to live well into old age: I've seen those who have, and it's not something I want. Plus, I've had two close family members pass away well before their time... My brother was in a car accident when he was 23, and my stepfather died of cancer (after being an ex-smoker for over 20 years) at 52. These occurances have made me think that whether I smoke or not, eat healthy or not, I will die when it's my time to go- and it could be tomorrow, in 10 years, or whenever. So why should I cause myself so much distress by giving up something that I partially enjoy? I know I'll feel better if I'm healthier, but if I don't want to live into my 80s then what's the point in the long-term? Those are the things I tell myself, and my logic makes it difficult for me to get around them.
I'm trying to stick with it... I really am. Tonight I had a panic attack because I spent two hours *trying* to study for a test, but found it impossible to focus without the cigarettes. I tried getting up, walking around, chewing my nicorette and sitting on the porch swing... It's been over an hour and I'm still jonesing for one even with the third nicorette in my mouth. I know I have to fight this. I knew it would be one of the toughest things to overcome. I know that if I stick with it for a while I eventually won't want it anymore. But what do I do about it right now? Why won't the feeling go away despite my diversion tactics? I hope as I begin the workweek as a fresh quitter I'll be able to hang on and make it through...but I'm seeing all of the habits associated with work & school that will leave me feeling like I'm feeling now. I'm not religious, so I'm not going to "pray" about it. I just hope I can find something to get me through.
