Day 5 is setting in and my brain is working on over-drive. The part of my brain that is trying to convince me to smoke is the one that is on over-drive. I hate it! Man, my brain is telling me even right now that tomorrow I am going to want to smoke while I am home alone for about 10 hours while my wife works. It is telling me that if I just smoke a couple tonight it will lead into tomorrow and there is no way I am not going to smoke tomorrow so I might as well have a few tonight. Dammit! But deep down I know that if I smoke tomorrow I am going to have to go through all the physical stuff I went through all over again. The headaches, the sleepless nights, the restlessness, the constipation, the insane depression, all that stuff that is finally starting to even out will have to be gone through all over again and then the cycle just starts over. My wife's favorite saying is, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results.” How true is that? I have been doing this for so long I can't even remember when every Sunday I would say I was going to quit on Monday and then by middle or end of Monday I was smoking again. It has probably been 4 years since I bought more than one pack of smokes at a time cause I always hoped it would be my last. It's been years and years of this insanity and if I can't make it through Saturday it is just going to keep going. I know if I can't make it through Saturday it will be at least a few months before I really try this all again.
I think my motivation right now has nothing to do with health, money, time, anything like that. I think my motivation right now is just to be freaking free of this insanity. To be free of it. To be done with this cycle of failure over and over again. To be a winner instead of feeling beat down by my own brain over and over and over again. I am so tired of the cycle. I have been fighting it the whole time I have been smoking. I have probably been ok with my smoking for only maybe 3 of the 16 years I have smoked. The years between 19 and 22 were probably the only ones I actually was fine with smoking. The rest I have been fighting it and losing. That is a long time to lose at something. A very long time. My fighting wasn't always that hard of a fighting but I was still just not OK with it. Well it's time to stop the cycle and insanity. It's time to be done losing. It's time to win!
Tomorrow is going to be pretty tough. Pretty tough indeed. Expect a few hundred blogs and if you don't see any, it is not a good thing. . .
