This is going to be long and if you don't want to hear an addict's brain screaming loud and clear, you probably shouldn't read any further.
I went to the pulmonologist today and had a lung function test. It seems that I have the very mildest COPD there can be. I have between 90 and 95 percent lung function. He said I must have amazing genes having smoked for 53 years and not having less than 50 percent lung function. This is great news. I did, however, tell him that I am having way more trouble breathing than 90-95% lung function would indicate. I get short of breath walking around my condo. I have trouble breathing when I walk to the printer from my cube in my office. I haven't attempted stairs in almost a year. I breathe with "pursed lips" whenever I'm not sitting down. So as we discussed it further, he said I most probably have asthma as well. That made more sense, and he changed the medication he was going to prescribe to something else. I see him again in four weeks.
Okay, I'm very, very happy that I don't have less than 50 percent lung capacity. But my stupid addict brain came out of there saying "see, you can smoke. It hardly even affects you." "You have amazing genes -- you won't get hurt by smoking" "Buy a pack. Smoke. You don't have to tell anyone you did it." I went to the grocery store and stood there looking at the cigarettes. Needless to say, I have a ridiculously self-induced crave that's been going on since I left the doctor's office. I was going to go to bingo to get my mind off of it and be in a non-smoking place, but they cancelled bingo because of the weather. I thought about going to the movies, but I definitely do not want to see 50 Shades of Gray and there was nothing else I wanted to see. When I left the grocery store I gazed longingly at the 7/11 because I know they sell "my brand."
I came home. I did not buy a pack of cigarettes. I am confessing my wayward thoughts because I don't want to keep them secret -- I believe they will get too loud and too powerful if I keep them secret. I am not a hipocrite and I would never smoke and pretend like I wasn't, so if I did smoke I would have to disappear from this site and I definitely don't want to do that.
Dale, I'm sure, will say I'm creating this problem in my head, and I don't disagree. I guess this is just another No Mans Land experience. I have committed to Not One Puff Ever and I mean to keep that commitment. Tomorrow I will probably be ecstatic that I weathered this crave without caving in. I think I'll reread Allen Carr tonight because it is very clear to me that there is a part of me that is REALLY WANTING TO SMOKE. I need to reinforce the learning I have done that smoking is NOTHING. I'm giving up NOTHING. This is just the addict who thinks she got a break today. But I have even a little COPD and asthma because I smoked. It didn't do nothing to me. I really have trouble breathing, and while I haven't noticed that it's gotten any better since I quit, it sure would get worse if I smoked.
I know all these things and I have protected my quit, and now I'm sitting here whining, but at least there are no smokes in this house and I will "sleep it off." Thanks for listening.
