Day 3, where are the tears coming from?

[mash1974]

I used to be an emotional person and cried a lot but a few years ago I just stopped crying, always wondered why. I thought maybe I just became stronger or just colder or had nothing to cry about. Well I Friday was my quit date and I wasn't quite prepared with gum or anything and ended up on the bathroom floor crying and overwhelmed, I got through knowing it must be the withdrawl but sent my husband stat to get some gum.

Yesterday I went to see my homeless brother who I've been taking care of to the best of my ability for almost 3 years and upon my departure I just broke down and bawled, could barely drive. I see him once a month and somehow this time it hit me so hard just how helpless he is, how helpless I am. I am tearing up now writing it.

Today I just feel exhausted and overwhelmed and feel like crying for no apparent reason but keep reassuring myself that it's just the addiction. I know this is going to be a hard and long fight but I am determined to beat this monster, but I also know that it always gets you at your most vulnerable point when you have your guard down and that is what is so scary for me.

Anyway I am not sure what's up with all the tears, maybe the cigarrettes covered them up all these years and now I have to learn how to manage my emotions better, maybe....I welcome any similar thoughts or experiences that can give me some insight.

[Alice23]

Yes  - cigarettes - the act of smoking - those are what I called my coping mechanism.  When I got stressed or pissed or sad or happy or you name it - I could light up and start sorting through the emotion.

Drawing on that ciggie was a big deep breath.  Pulling that smoke into my lungs , that was the emotion being stuffed down  - the act of smoking - lighting it, tapping the ashes, etc, all gave me time to avoid the emotion , gather my thoughts and choose my words.

Also - smoking was my filter, my smoke screen.  I was able to put space and time between myself and my 'issues'.  I could literally put a wall up.  Having a cig was my means of escape since all my smoking was done outside. 

Think about it - there is nothing left now but raw emotion.  If you go back to my earliest blogs you'll see it was pretty common for me too.  There's nothing wrong with you - you're just healing from this God awful addiction.  Be patient with yourself.  Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

And...p.s.  there is a certain amount of grieving in this process as well ....the ONE thing you had ...when every thing else seemed so messed up - was that cig and your lighter and your 5 or 10 minutes of "me" time - with the most vile "best friend" you'll ever have!

[madsmurf]

Mash, during my first month I cried a LOT. I was an emotional wreck! You are welcome to look back at my blog posts and see just how crazy I was at that time. I had no idea how much I was self medicating myself with nicotine! I had no idea how much emotional junk I had been holding inside that desperately needed to be released! Crying is a good thing I think, because it really was the best medicine for me. I'm now at day 54 and I feel so much better. I took antidepressants for about 2 weeks, but then I stopped and I don't need them anymore. I don't cry that much anymore, when I do it's for a reason. I hope you don't get as wacked out as I did, but if you do, just know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will feel better once you get through it and it is worth it. I'm here for you if you need me.                        Jessica

[soulboxing]

Oh, my dear!  I am so sorry that you are dealing with somthing so hard, and that it is making you feel helpless.  It is no wonder you are in tears - this is a REALLY hard thing to deal with when it is happening to someone you love.

I have quit a few times, and I have always struggled with strong emotions and hypersensitivity when I quit (though, I must say, it is not abnormal to be moved to tears over a homeless sibling).  I usually fight depression off and on for several months.  Not constantly, but often.

Here is my theory - when smoking, you are constantly stuffing your feelings by sucking on that stupid cigarette.  You're sad, you smoke.  Anxious, you smoke.  Mad, you smoke.  Whatever, you smoke!  That's how addiction works - it tricks your body into thinking that you need cigarettes to deal with life.  Now that you've quit, you have to learn to fill that void with something healthy.

Remember, it is all an illusion!  YOU CAN SURVIVE without smoking.  And, as time goes by, it will get easier to say no. 

Just remember that you are STRONGER than cigarettes, and you are SMART ENOUGH to know that those temptations are just the physical self thrying to fool your emotional self.  Breathe through it, blog here, and do something to distract yourself for a little while.  

And let yourself cry!  There's no shame in that.  Letting yourself release that pain is the only way you'll learn to heal and find perspective.  

As someone who recently also discovered therapy, I have to tell you, I highly recommend it.  If you can find a good therapist, GO.  You have a lot to gt off your chest, and a little support and guidance never hurt anybody. 

I will keep thinking of you, and sending lots of hugs and good energy your way!!!

[IrishRose]

We are truly products of our environment.  Smoking masks our problems, our pain, how we deal with life.  It dictates what we do and when we do it.  Every time you would get upset, you would light up a cigarette.  It would satisfy that feeling inside of you.  You are right about having to deal with your emotions differently, but differently means in a healthier manner, instead of slowly killing yourself lighting up those cancer sticks. 

Your tears are from your brother.  Know that lighting up that cancer stick will not change anything with your brother's situation.  At least you are there for him, and that is what you need to keep close to your heart.  There is only so much you can do for him too, and that is probably why you are crying, but understand that your brother has to take on a certain amount of responsibility also.  You cannot carry your world and his world on your shoulders.

My brother was homeless.  He came to my dad's house one day.  No one had heard from him, because he was living under the boardwalk in Coney Island.  He showed up at my dad's, and wanted my dad to take him to the hospital to get cleaned up from his alcoholism, once again.  He did not even have a pair of shoes on his feet.  My dad told him to get into the tub and get cleaned up, and my dad ran to the store to buy him a pair of shoes.  When my dad returned home, he found my brother dead in the bathtub.  My brother was only 34 years old.  He died of heart failure due to cirrohsis of the liver.

Protect your quit, and cry to get it out of your system, but know that you are a blessing for your brother, because you are there for him.  You can look yourself in the mirror tomorrow morning and know that you helped your brother, no matter how small the exchange.  My thoughts are with you.  Please protect that quit.  It is so very important for you to do that for YOU!!!  ((((((((hug))))))))

[dawn4]

Mash...................

In the beginning of my quit I think I cried more than I didn't.  I accepted those tears as signs of my healing and that chapter was actually quite short- lived.  Some of those tears actually have to do with changes in brain chemistry, but  even depression is not unusual for those in withdrawl from nicotine addiction. Fortunately, our brains will actually heal as we continue to remain smoke free and will, in effect "re-wire" on their own.   Please note that some people may actually benefit from anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications on a short term basis.  But that is a decision to be made in conjunction with a professional.  

You are also correct in that as addicts, most of us tend to deal with our emotions through smoking - angry?  have a cigarette!; frustrated?  have a cigarette!; lonely? have a cigarette!, etc., etc.  Oh!   that reminds me:  remember HALT:  Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired.  These are times when we are more suseptible to relapse.  BE PREPARED and PROTECT THAT QUIT!  In addition to this quit community, have the number of a support or quit buddie who you can  call 24/7.

I'm getting a bit long winded here..............Congratulations on choosing life SMOKE FREE! It is likely the best thing you can ever do for yourself and those you love.  You CAN do this.  We will help!

Dawn

[dawn4]

According to the Mayo Clinic :
"In many people, nicotine from cigarettes stimulates receptors in the brain to release dopamine, triggering a pleasure response. Over time, the number of nicotine receptors increases and changes your brain's anatomy. When you quit smoking, you cut off the brain's pleasure response because the receptors don't get nicotine, triggering nicotine withdrawal symptoms. If you stick it out ...the number of nicotine receptors returns to normal, helping you quit smoking for good."

Mash.............this is one of the reason's that many people experience feelings of sadness, even depression when they quit.  for me JUST knowing it, helped me to understand and get through.

[mash1974]

Everyone, thank you for all your support and input, it really helps. In my mind I have minimized the smoking addiction and now am just coming to grips that this addiction is really much more than I gave it credit for, you know...it's just smoking, it's not crack..etc...knowing it kills just the same.

Learning that it caused me to stuff my emotions down and just cover the problem rather than deal with it, I never would have guessed but again I just wasn't ready to hear all the negative things out there about my beloved cigarettes. I am ok with being sad, depressed, emotional, angry, etc.. but I am not ok with using cigarettes to suppress the real problem. I will always have problems but now I realize I have to learn how to cope again and that I didn't anticipate but here I am and so thankful for all of you.

 Thanks so much for all the insight and God bless all of you who take the time out of their day to write, you are so very appreciated.

Mash

[Strudel]

Welcome and congrats on your quit!!! It WILL get better - really! Stay close here - keep blogging. Plus - if you need some reinforcement and more knowledge about this addiction - check out the free course at:   http://quitsmokingonline.com/ and Allen Carr's book - "The Easy Way To Stop Smoking" - free download -   http://joga.365.lt/Allen-Carr_Easy-Way-To-Stop-Smoking_Download-free-PDF-EBook

Again - congrats and stick around!

[JonesCarpeDiem]

I think they are from the eyes