Day 3 and 4 Not Proud but No Regrets

[NVT]

I didn't update how I got through the remainder of Day 3 nor did I update Day 4, because I didn't get through them. By the end day three, I was miserable, my husband was miserable, depressed, and we just felt all around terrible. The guilt of wanting a smoke became so overwhelming, that I truly had to ask myself "is this the right way for you" and at the time I determined, that maybe it wasn't.  Literally beating myself up mentally for wanting a cigarette felt worse than the cravings. Asking myself, "why can't I do this?", "why am I so stupid that I got myself in this mess 20+ years ago", "what is wrong with me?" were the only thoughts going through my head.  Pretending I was doing okay when inside I wasn't, I was trying to mask everything. Putting on a "Positive Polly" attitude was all a farce.

So I smoked, in fact, I smoked 5 cigarettes by the night's end. The thing is, it didn't quite taste or feel the same. I can almost say it wasn't quite as enjoyable as I can remember it was a week ago and has been for the past 20 years.  Then Day 4 came around (yesterday) I got up exercised, and actually felt okay and decided I would start all over again. I did, I had a good day. Kept my cravings at bay with healthy snacks.  Once again gave in by night's end. The difference, I only had 4 throughout the night, and by the last one, as I sat there smoking it, I said, this doesn't even taste or feel right, I am going to take a hot bath and go to bed.  And I did.

While I sat in the tub with a million shameful thoughts going through my head, I came up with one that in all reality is a truthful one.  Why wasn't I giving myself credit for how far I have come in just 5 days, yes I relapsed, but, Yes, I went almost a full three days without one smoke. Now in two days, I have had a total of 9. Two weeks a week ago before we started limiting ourselves to prepare for "quit day",  I was having 12-20 a DAY.  (The day before quit day, we smoked like a train because it was "going to be the last time") so why was I not seeing the good things about myself or my husband?

All in all. I know this isn't what anyone on here wants to hear, I know it isn't necessarily right or healthy. But I also know, beating myself up isn't healthy either and I need to applaud myself for the baby steps and recognize that it is harder than I thought.  But I believe now if I can stop both wine and cigarettes for almost a full 3 days, I am pretty confident,  I can stop for 4 days and who knows maybe it will be 5.  So here I go again, one day at a time, I feel I have some self-confidence back just by believing in myself and being proud of myself. 

[YoungAtHeart]

To begin, if you have done any reading here on the site at all, you will know that the first few days of a quit are NOT pleasant or easy.  They can be downright miserable, too.  Pretending they should be otherwise is not fooling anyone - as you have learned - not even yourself.  You just get through them the best that you can.

I hope you will learn as much as you can BEFORE you quit again so you understand what is going on with your body and mind.  In quitting smoking, knowledge really IS power.

Let me know how I might help!

Nancy

[RachelN]

Good luck with quitting, you can do it.  Celebrate your days of not smoking. 

[NVT]

Hi Nancy,

This is exactly why I waited two days to post. To avoid being "shamed".

First. I  absolutely, 100%\ without a doubt spent time on this site, and I learned about the first few days and how difficult they can be. I am not a mold so it didn't work for me the first try. I am not going to beat myself up nor should anyone assume I didn't do my research because I did.. My blog was just being honest with myself about what has occurred the past two days. 

You tellling me to "learn BEFORE" (all caps is yelling and rude) I quit again"  isn't helpful. Why do you think I am on this site, I am not that naive that I thought creating a user name and password would help me quit smoking.  The purpose of this site is to learn.  Which I have and will continue to do and I look forward to the day I am smoke-free and in the meantime will continue to take it one day at a time. Thanks and best wishes to you!

[YoungAtHeart]

I am sorry if you felt I was shaming you.  It was not my intent.  I had no idea how much reading or preparation you had done.  I misinterpreted your statement, " Pretending I was doing okay when inside I wasn't, I was trying to mask everything. Putting on a "Positive Polly" attitude was all a farce" to mean you were not prepared.  I have seen it a lot in my 6+ years of volunteering here - so made an assumption - a wrong one as it turns out.

Please believe my only aim is to help you be successful.

Nancy

[JonesCarpeDiem]

/blogs/jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007-blog/2011/06/26/what-to-expect-in-the-first-four-months 

[NVT]

Thanks Nancy.

[NVT]

Thank you! 

[SimplySheri]

One day at a time is the only way to do it!  It sounds like you have good insight and you have the right to be proud of your accomplishments no matter how anyone else feels about them.  We all want you to succeed but you need to do it your way in your time.  It's the only way it will work  

Sheri

[NVT]

Thank you Sheri! I appreciate all the feedback and encouragement you give me.  I know I can do this and I look forward to each milestone no matter how big or small. 

[desiree465]

I think it's a great idea to cut down before you quit. Have you ever tried NRT's? Maybe just stopping cold turkey is what's getting to you, I know it would have gotten to me. Maybe using them for even a few days or weeks could give you some confidence in your quit, kinda like a woobie. I agree that cutting out the wine is a good idea, I did that the first month or so in my quit and it really did help keep me from relapsing. BTW there is no need to put on a postive polly attitude, quitting sucks! Say it out loud THIS SUCKS, because it does in the beginning. I thought some days I was going to either yank out my hair or someone else's and it is ok to have those feelings. When you do tell us about them. It really helps to get those feelings out. I promise once you start hitting some mile stones (set them for yourself even if it is a minute at a time) you are going to feel accomplished and it will help you get through those nail biting cravings. I've said this to many others before, there is a light at the end of the tunnel, there WILL come a day that you won't feel those crappy feelings all the time, I can promise you that.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Where Does It Come From? 

I believe anyone could begin a quit this way, but more so, I am presenting a different train of thinking that doesn't involve stress.

As Diane Joy says

"Take what you need and leave the rest."

[NVT]

Thank you Desiree! I did try a patch on Day 2, but I couldn't tell much of a difference, other than I had some crazy dreams which I didn't like. I read that some people remove them at night to prevent vivid dreams. So on Day 3, I didn't use one. I think I will try again this weekend and put it on earlier in the day then I did last time.  My husband is using the gum, I have never like to chew gum but he says he likes it.  Thanks for reminding me of the light I am looking for it!

[NVT]

Thank you! 

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Understand that making memories without smoking distances you from smoking and you begin to associate with the non smoking memories in time. (Time is the healer)

[JonesCarpeDiem]

If you're going to do the patch, you have to put your faith that it's doing it's job. Much of the "I didn't feel any difference" could just be missing the ritual.

[stAn3]

I’m glad you are here sharing after smoking again. I agree that it is important to celebrate the days smoke-free and not beat ourselves up for our mistakes. Relapses are best used as learning experiences.

I just want to encourage you to accept the cravings. Cravings don’t hurt us. They are part of recovery. They go away as long as we don’t smoke. My recent relapses came about because I wasn’t willing to deal with the cravings. I was angry about having them and just wished they would go away. Once I accepted the cravings and the work necessary to not act on them, I was able to stop smoking and build up days smoke-free. It seems to me that you are doing the work today to deal with the cravings. Keep doing the work and you will be successful.

[Daniela2016]

I quit on my own; used patches for 2 weeks, and some e-cigarettes on the side, just for the hand to mouth replacement.  After about 3 weeks I was so depressed, I could not stop crying and started telling myself I can't do it.  Yet, I knew it was possible somehow. 

Believe it or not I called the medical insurance company and asked about their quit smoking program.  They gave me some young reps who were trying to help me using a checklist they were trained on, not much help.  But they gave me the address of this site; I protested "my job is working on a computer the whole day, I don't want another site".  It took another week and I signed up. 

A new world opened for me: Allan Carr's book changed something on my mind in the way I looked at smoking, but mostly at quitting.  At that time I had purchased a vaping device, and was decreasing the level of nicotine, using it as a quit aid.  Then Dale made a comment " to me vaping is smoking with a battery", he made me mad, because I had picked a quit day when I was going to stop vaping, I felt insulted.  But you know what?  The next day I stopped vaping, and here I am 896 days smober, and trying to help in sharing my own experience. 

Is it easy?  Nobody says so, but it is something all smokers can do; quit.

Are we here to hurt anyone new who's trying to do the right thing for their health; never, ever believe that!  If we stay here and speak with anyone who wants to listen, it is to help.

If you feel in danger of picking up again, just write a blog with the title Help, and someone will come to speak with you.

You made it the most difficult three days, you can do it again.  Be confident you can, take it one day, one hour at the time, give yourself a pat on the back for the smallest milestone, be your own cheerleader.  It will help with your mindset, and make the craves bearable.  Just deep breathe through them.  Tell yourself they don't last forever, go for a walk with your husband, or both of you pick up a new hobby.  There is work to do, but you can, like many of us did it too, after many years of slavery to the Nicotine.  You can too!

[indingrl]

CONGRATS YOU ARE NOT ALONE-GOOD JOB CHOOSING NON SMOKER LIVING-JUST FOR TODAY-I TOO USED MY DEATH STICKS TRYING TO PROVE MYSELF-talking about ME not anyone else-NOT ADDICTED-it didnt work i am a RECOVERING NICOTINE ADDICT-amen

[NVT]

Hi Daniela

I tried to reply earlier but doesn’t look like it posted. User error I am sure. Your comment made me cry and laugh at the same time. It also gives me hope as do many of the other encouraging words from others. I am not defeated and I am more actually more energized.  We are picking up some new habits that keep us together but away from the patio. We can do this and I won’t stop trying till I succeed. Two people who spend everyday together trying to quit at the same time is both beneficial and a challenge as we are both grumpy or sad at the same time so we are trying to find out how to support each other. I appreciate your kind words and encouragement. Thanks!

[elvan]

I remember when I first started this quit and my oldest daughter quit with me...she lives in NY and I live in Virginia.  I did not start smoking again but I had a really big incentive to stay quit...I liked breathing more than I liked feeling like I was being suffocated.  I smoked for 47 years and I have now been quit for over 4 1/2 years.  I have COPD and there is a very good chance that I would have a longer and better quality life if I had stopped smoking back when I had smoked for 20 years.  This is a journey...it is going to have ups and downs and it is going to seem impossible at times but it is NOT impossible.  I lost more than one quit over the years, unfortunately, I was SO SICK when I quit that I really felt like I was choosing life or death...I chose life.  It may not be the quality of life I hoped for but, by God, I am not going to feed that addiction any more.  I am going to keep learning to FEEL...good or bad, happy or sad, I am going to learn to deal with all of my emotions the way I SHOULD have when I was young.  I didn't give myself that chance but I am giving it to myself NOW.  You and your husband both need to understand that you each own your own quits...you cannot throw yours away if he does and he cannot throw HIS away if YOU do.  Figure out what went wrong and have a plan to address things differently...My EX Plan | BecomeAnEX  PLAN for those hard times, they ARE going to come, I always felt MOST vulnerable when things were NOT terribly challenging, when things were quiet.  Plan for ALL of the things life throws in your direction and know that you do not NEED a cigarette to get through them, know that it is only your addiction trying to call you back...it's up to you how you answer.

Smoking does nothing FOR you but I am here to tell you that it does irreversible things TO you.  Remember that we are here...before you smoke, ask for help, treat your quit like the infant that it is...entirely dependent upon you to feed it and care for it and nurture it.  We have all been at the beginning and we all want you to succeed.  I used NOPE, Not One Puff Ever ALL the time.  It was a little word with a great deal of power for me.

Best,

Ellen

[Giulia]

A successful, long-term quit depends upon so many different factors.  Most importantly is mindset.  If forgiving your relapse helps push you to the next stage of smoke-freedom - that's great. But if it is an excuse enabler to your addiction and further relapses, then obviously it's not.  Only YOU know the truth.  And deep inside you DO know the truth.

"I need to applaud myself for the baby steps"  Yes, applauding ourselves for the baby steps is a good to do.  But that doesn't negate the fact that you didn't honor your quit.  Right?  For - whatever the reason.  When we hold ourselves accountable - patting ourselves on the back really doesn't factor into that.  Because when we hold ourselves accountable  and we blow it - what's there to pat ourselves on the back about?  Seriously.  

I find I gain more self-confidence, not by forgiving my failures, but by owning and overcoming them. By acknowledging my weakness and discovering my strength.  We don't need to beat ourselves up, but we do need to recognize our excuses.   The "yes I relapsed but...." thinking will not help you achieve a long term quit.  In my opinion only.  Until we remove the "buts" we won't remove the butts.  

Please understand I'm not sitting here criticising, chastising nor attempting to shame you.  I want you to succeed at this.  I'm simply expressing my own point of view.  Take what helps, let go of what doesn't.  We're all on the same team here.  

[NVT]

Hi Giulia,

I guess I thought by writing and posting I felt like I was “owning” my relapse. Maybe I was mistaken. I could have just not posted anything at all and no one would have known the difference I did so to help myself. I know quitting is my responsibility and that of no one else’s. I will continue to pat myself on the back for baby steps or big steps as each step for me or anyone deserves a pat.  I am confident with the help of reading other’s experiences as well as words of encouragement I can achieve what I set out to do. 

Best wishes!

[desiree465]

Ah ok well at least you have them. Maybe you need a higher dose? I smoked a pack a day so I had to start with the highest dose available. I did have the crazy dreams too but I'm a weirdo and liked them lol. If I was you I would def try putting them on first thing in the morning and taking it off at night. Or maybe look into other forms of nicotine replacement? I hear they have these inhalers now that people seem to really like. And ew I hate gum too. I also kept dums dums and mints with me at all times to get the oral fix. How did you do yesterday with you quit or with your diminished smoking? Don't be afraid to tell us if you smoked but tell us the why of it. Maybe we can suggest things to help. Like is it from stress? anger? exhaustion from your brain telling you, you have to smoke? All of these things are from our addiction trying to fool us, and it's good at it. I always felt like when I pinpointed exactly what it was that lead to a crave I had a better time of trying to get through that craving. Does that make sense? And if you relapsed or smoked more then you intended to, well there is a reason for that too and it can be managed in the future. 

You are trying to retrain your brain from not only a 20 year habit but also trying to literally fight against a physical change that this addiction has caused to your brain, and it's a bitch. It could take 1, 2, 3, 100 times of trying to quit before you finally achieve it but the number doesn't matter only that you continue to try.  Have no shame in your game we are here. I know you can do this!