Day 22. Still smoke free...but not a good day by any means.

[zackie09_51214]

Today was my 22nd without a cigarette. I know many of you have said I've been quite an "quitspiration". Today/tonight is not going so well, it's not that I want to smoke...I don't.  I know that will solve nothing in my life at this point. But I'm having some real bad memories coming back. I'm not sure if all of you are aware but suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder...I know many of you by now have realized that I come from a pretty bad Domestic Violence situation. Well it's a situation I've been in most of my life. Like I have said, my father has recently broken his sobriety with alcohol, granted I knew it was only a matter of time...but I've been having really bad flashbacks and night terrors. I don't even want to sleep at night. It's effecting me so bad that I don't want to even to vocalize it. Writing it is different I guess. I also don't want my mom to worry about me. I just don't want her to think that something is "wrong" and start worrying about me constantly. I'm really hoping for a break soon! Because I know something has got to go right for us. I keep trying to make myself a better person, but we just can't get on our feet. All I want is a place for us to be stable in, and as to the church things, thanks for the ideas...but a lot of churches are still vehemently against homosexuality. And I am a completely out gay 24 year old man.  I know not all churches are against gays but quite a few are. I honestly don't know how to ask for help. Just show up randomly on their doorstep and be like hey, im homeless. I can't do any weightbaring activity, I just feel like all of this is a catch 22. I still do not want to smoke. Hell I smell it, it catches my attention because for some reason I always have to see where it is coming from. It makes me not want it anymore. Plus am I just making a psychological thing...or do people who continue to smoke stare at the ground all the time when their smoking? Please someone if you have made this observation enlighten me please please please!!!!! Today we went and spent money (not that we have much but we had to do it since we're going to be in the van) at the dollar tree on cleaning supplies for the van! And I actually cleaned it. I didn't take a break for five hours...which is so strange me. Because I would have smoked at least half a pack when cleaning. but I cleaned  the carpet as much as possible. And I also used "glass" cleaner...a foam type spray...I might set up a tumblr account sometime so you guys can see stuff. As my life as a non smoker improves. But not taking a break and actually having the energy to do it surprised me...especially after I was all done. The van wasn't smelling musty when I was done. We bought air fresheners for the van too and im using those. I'll do more deep cleaning of the upholstery as we get money. But until then I'll have to settle for what I can find at the dollar tree. I do feel successful that I have another day under my belt and i got the van all clean, I've been worried about getting the van cleaned. It's also looking like there may be a man in my life. His name is Elliot, we're going to spend time together tomorrow:) I actually should rectify that because he is my boyfriend now! I'll keep you guys updated. But we both want to settle down and everything. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my therapist (my weekly therapy appointment). I'm going to see if Katherine from housing can talk and update me if she has heard ANYTHING from housing. Especially since this is the last few days we're in the motel that the housing services at Cascadia Behavioral Health Services (my mental health clinic where I see my therapist, whose name is Cyn. and my psychiatrist whose name is patty) has been putting us up in since we got kicked out of my dads house. After we're done there we are going to go to DEQ finally and if we pass emissions...and we better or else we're screwed..we will pay the 148.00 for the 2 year tags. I'm pretty positive that we'll pass. The van is running really good now that we got the hub assembly replaced and the tires got rotated, balanced and aligned...in those aspects is running better and smoother then ever before...next month we will probably try to go and have an oil change done. Go to valvolene or something. It'll be like 20.00 or 30.00 but it's worth it. I've been checking the fluids daily and everything. And the engine sounds like it's running pretty good. Check engine light randomly comes on but i've noticed like everyone has that problem almost...they take it in and the people cant find a damn thing wrong with the car. Might stop by Knechts Auto Store and have them do a check just to make sure...since they do them for free. could just be a vacuum in the gas tank which sometimes happens...they do this test and it makes it better..i dont really know...but i don't know diddley about cars really. Im learning as things go along. Well all, it's getting late and I should get some rest. I will update you on how tomorrow goes. You are in my prayers! I love you all and thank you for all of your support it means a lot! And also thanks for putting up with my quite depressed mood tonight.

and remember N.O.P.E. NOT ONE PUFF EVER

Zackie 22DOF