Day 19 - Impending death and keeping a quit

[John48]

So, some days are easy and some are not so easy.  Today?  Not so easy.  I'm really hoping that I don't have to struggle thru this freakin habit like this for the rest of my life.  It's going to get old quick, lemme tell ya.   The fact that I didn't smoke today when I really had the strongest triggers put me in a foul mood.  Not just foul as in poopy but I felt like crap and couldn't help but to think a smoke would have helped me though.  I know.  I know.  It would have only made things worse.  That's why I didn't smoke but I"m not going to lie - I wanted to in a bad way.   I kept my quit...

I can't really believe today is day 19 already.  Seems like a lifetime ago that I smoked.  Well, sort of.  I feel like I shouldn't even been thinking about it at this point but I am.  All day.  I even had strange thoughts passing by the "reservation" smoke place in Fife where I used to buy smokes.  Its the place where all the cute girls work and serve up some fancy coffees along with the packaged cancer.  All I could think about was those cheap Smokin' Joes, the purple 100's and a couple bottles of Diet Pepsi.  And that one girl or the other.  Mostly I was thinking about the cigarettes tho

.

So although that much is true, in all seriousness this has been a cuss'd up day...

STBEW texted me this morning asking me when I was leaving the state to go do this training.  Immediately, since she is the STBEW, I was suspicious.  What had she planned?  What was behind this question shot out of the blue?  So I asked.  She told me she has to put our 14 year old Black Lab down before the end of the month.  In previous months (see my previous blogs) she has threatened me with the notion of putting him down prematurely.  In one circumstance I fell off a 7 day quit, my fault, but due to these threats.  This time she wasn't texting me to threaten me, she wanted to give me the opportunity to say "good bye".   I guess sometimes there is a little bit of something left in that dark, sooty crevice in her chest where most people have an organ called a heart.  Our black lab really hasn't changed all the much since those times she would threaten his demise although I will admit he is old and has issues.  I will admit he seems like he has some discomfort at times.  He is getting to the point that he does not have so much control over his bowels or he is just getting very lazy.  Not sure.  These things happen with old dogs. 

I've been raising German Shepherds now for almost 20 years.  I always get the rescue dogs and I never get them as puppies as it usually works out.  So I'm not a puppy expert.  But I do however have a significant amount of experience with dogs as they get elderly.  I just buried my DocWatson about 16 months ago and it feels like yesterday.  Puppies may be cute but I think there is something very genuine and endearing about an old dog.  I'm not sure how to explain it unless you have been through it.  They are a pleasure to live with as they age, despite the accompanying problems.  The hardest part of this experience is always at the end.  Figuring out when that end is, trying to balance being humane while trying to cherish what little time we have left.  Saying goodbye is always miserable and that was today. 

STBEW knows I'm leaving the state on Sunday for the rest of the month and I won't be able to see our "Scoobinstein" again so she asked if I wanted to come over today to say my goodbyes to him.  I did and I didn't for obvious reasons. 

So I rode over on the motorcycle as the temps were slowly dipping down below 38 F.  There was frost on the front lawn when I pulled the bike out of the garage and warmed it up.  Not a good sign as frost and things you balance on at speed do not generally mix.  Regardless, I wouldn't pass up this opportunity to see my old buddy so I left.  There was frost in the shady spots on the road.  Great.  I noticed the frost as I tried to keep calm while making every effort to stay loose and not stiffen up (it's the worst thing you can do riding a motorcycle).  So I made it to her house safely and parked the bike.  I threw a load of laundry in and just sat on the floor playing with him, throwing his favorite tennis Kong thingy around.  He is easy to please.  He has always loved Kongs since I've known him.  Kongs, if you are of the uninitiated, are tough, rubber dog toys that are supposed to be indestructible.  They are not as Scoobins has chewed through them, crushing them in his jaws resulting in their destruction.  That is how he got the nifty little Kong tennis thingy he plays with now.  I complained to the Kong company about Scoobins destroying one of their previous products and they sent this new one.  It had not been fully destroyed yet but he was still working on it.  It still squeaked even and that's the part that drove him to want to destroy it more.  The fact that it made an audible objection to his biting down on it.  I sat on the unfinished wood floor playing his favorite games with his favorite toys.  I noticed his ever swollen  back leg, how it was obvious how it was bothering him.  He had a new cyst on his other back leg and the skin around his eyes looked like the leather on an old weather beaten purse.  He was stiff as he got up and his stare was kind of empty at times as he would stare out into space at something not visible to anyone else.  I just sat and watched him wondering what he saw and what he was thinking about.  When I squeezed his Kong he would spark back to life, his stare broken and his eyes alive once again.  I sat there sad, little wisps of our female german shepherd's loose undercoat floating past like dust devils, and dreaded hearing that buzz of the dryer - that signal that I now had an excuse to leave as my laundry was finished, it was pouring rain and the STBEW wanted to go out to the store.   I wanted to sit there on the floor forever talking to my buddy, rubbing behind his ears so he could make that little grunt of satisfaction he makes when I hit that ear spot just perfect.  I couldn't go but I knew it was time as the STBEW put on her jacket and her car keys jingled.  Jesus how I now hated that sound.  It was weird.  Not trying to be overly sentimental but he is usually not quite so affectionate.  I last saw the dogs a few weeks ago when I watched STBEW house while she went out to party.  It hasn't been that long but he wouldn't leave me along.  I was thankful he didn't, but it was odd.  It was nice.   

My STBEW still smokes.  She smoked in front of me a few feet away.  I told her how difficult it is to quit since she had mentioned that she wants to quit to save money.  Plus she has a girlfriend and GF and her daughter are moving in at the end of the month.  With the new roommates she doesn't want to smoke around the kid.  That's another reason she wants to put the old boy down - she doesn't trust him around the new tenants.   So I'm powerless as I can't take him or my female German Shep.  I would if I could.  So I told STBEW about this site and getting a game plan together.  I had forgotten that all this time during my quit I've had an electronic cigarette in my riding backpack.  I gave it to her as she wants to use it to quit.  Against my advice but whatever.  It's out of my hands and I don't want that thing with me anyway. 

What a nasty day.  I looked out the window and it was pouring again.  Freakin Washington.  Temp was now 36 F and I needed to go anyway or I might hit some black ice.  I can't say how tough it was to have to kiss him goodbye knowing that I won't ever see him again.  How tough it was not to smoke because I really wanted to.  No joke.  It was absolutely miserable to walk out that door on my buddy to never see him again. What a f'd up day.  And no I did not smoke.

[joyeuxencore]

So sorry John...I can't even comment on this being a ridiculous dog person...sorry is all I

can say and please don't smoke over it...you may think you are powerless over helping your dog but you are not powerless over helping your quit...so sorry...xo

[jdc1953]

I am also a dog lover and I love old dogs too.  Blessed is the human who earns the love of an old dog.

Peace to you and glad you didn't smoke.

Joyce

[jojo_2-24-11]

John, I am so sorry for the ole guy. Pets are family members and it's very hard under any circumstance to say goodbye! You handled that quite well, as you explained. ... I had to make a decision like that 7 months into my quit for my 16 year family dog. She was not keeping anything down and her blood work came back with horrible levels on all her vital organs.I was not prepared to make that decision but then again are we ever prepared????? As far as the desire to smoke goes, this was an old stand-by for so many years. You must change how you look at smoking. John, I have a very suspicious feeling that you look at quitting as giving something up. It's not, you are not giving up anything! You are gaining a life of freedom.

[angelasmommy]

John,

I have 3 dogs and 3 ex husbands. Guess which ones are still with me?? love to  you, I totally understand., Wow. I love the way you write, you are an inspiration to me, I  am surely a fan. Thank you for being here, and thank you for writing. Sgt. Kim (Connecticut...too bad! lol)

[Jordan-11-1-12]

Oh, John, I am so sorry! I know what its like... pets can be like family, but I tell ya, their selflessness and unconditional love goes beyond what family can usually be.

Congrats on protecting your quit. Keep it up, you'll be so glad that you did. I know that its hard to feel this now, but I can promise you that it WILL get easier, as long as you don't smoke. As long as you don't feed the addiction, you will NOT have to "struggle through this freakin habit for the rest of" your life. You're almost at the point where craves get to be much, much less often. You can do this.

[Connie55]

I know it is very hard to lose that unconditional love. I had a black lab and a yellow lab as well that passed not too many years ago. Please do not stain hsi memory by using it as an excuse to go back to smoking. Honor his memory by always remembering that when he got a good sniff of you in that last meeting, it was not dirtied up by cigarettes. He got a good nose full of just you. What a great memory to go with. When our animals start to suffer as they slowly die, they cannot tell us how much pain they are in. We have to be strong for them and ease their suffering. You are a very good man to have so deeply loved a helpless animal. May God bless you and keep your Scoobinstein by his side as his companion to wait until the day you can join them.

[John48]

Thanks for all the responses. 

No, I definitely won't smoke over it.  It wouldn't help other than make me feel like a complete failure.  Won't happen but the urge was still there.  That's something I have to keep working on.   I understand what you are saying about feeling like I am giving something up when I quit.  I know I'm not giving anything up but gaining a new, healthier life.  I guess that smoking thought must just creep in more out of habit than anything else.  I know it will change over time.  It will take a while but it will happen.  I work everyday to make a new life without smokes, to relearn doing everything without it.  Most of the time the journey is wonderful.  Sometimes I still get those urges but I know it will get less and less.  I was pretty proud of myself when I didn't stop for smokes.  I wasn't really close to doing so but I did think an awful lot about it yesterday, whether I wanted to or not.  Today was much better.

Thank you all again.  Yes, I am probably closer to my pets than I am to any humans.  The fact that their love they give us is so very unconditional and so pure is what makes losing them so much harder.  It really tears me apart and it never gets easier.