So here I am….Day 12 of being an EX. When I started this journey, it was with enthusiasm overkill, and a freakishly positive attitude (for me). I had all intentions of quitting and quitting for good!! The early days were a breeze – very few cravings – I was happy, not irritable. I was excited – not edgy. I was going to do this…..
….and then day 3 turned into day 5, and day 5 turned into day 8, and day 8 turned into day 10. Every stinking day that passed got HARDER – not easier as I assumed it would. I had “the smoking dream” that, as I have read, the majority of people have. This apparently happens close to Day 10, which mine did. The dream was SO REAL. I swear I could smell it, and feel it. It was bizarre. I didn’t carry the feelings of guilt that some people said they have had after the dream, instead I wanted to smoke. And I wanted to smoke BAD.
I have found that the physical cravings have dissipated, but the mental cravings and desires are getting WORSE! Could it be the overly emotional week that I have had – sure. Is it? I don’t know. I have said it before and I will say it again – I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY. My brain is working against me – almost as if we are two different entities. My body is celebrating being smoke free – less coughing, clothes and hair smelling good, more energy, deeper breathing, etc. My brain is not celebrating. My brain is throwing me major curveballs with the WANTS. I want a cigarette. I want to smoke just one. I want to smell it. I was trying to explain this to my husband last night – and he asked, “Do you feel like you need one?”. My answer – NO. I just WANT one. I want one so bad that I could cry.
How long do I have to be at war with my own brain……and can I make it?
