I hate smoking! It smells! It made me stink! It made my car stink, my cloths, my skin. It turned my teeth yellow and caused some of them to fall out. It left burn holes in my cloths. The stuff in the tobacco sticks to the walls and furniture in your house. Then when its humid it can run down the walls in brown streaks. I always had bad breath. The only friends I had smoked. I don't get invited to places because I smoked. I isolate myself from others so my stinch and the fumes don't bother them. My husband is an ex-smoker. He won't kiss me more than a simple peck because he hated the way I smelled. We didn't cuddle unless I had recently showered and not smoked. I always had to cut a conversation short so I could go outside and smoke. Smoking takes all the moisture out of your skin and wrinkle prematurely. Your fingers were always stained yellow and bleach wouldn't even take the smell away. I hated it! But I still did it. Why? Because I enjoyed it. I liked the taste of the cigarette. I enjoyed the satisfaction I felt while I was smoking. I craved the calm it gave me when I was upset or angry. So why did I quit? Because of the smell, for health reasons, because of the money I was throwing away.
I am stuck in the part of the quit where my mind is rationalizing every craveing, every urge, telling why I should give in, telling me what I will be missing if I don't give in. I have slipped. The 'slipping' is becoming more frequent and more often. I hear my self say, "It is only this time. Even if you smoke another one it won't be as many as you were smoking before. Maybe stepping down is my best way to quit." I am coming up with reason after reason and excuse after excuse not to let this deadly habit go.
My last quit was September 14, 2012. I went 30 days with out giving in to any urges or cravings or reasons. I was soooo confident that I could win this thing. In my confidence I bought a pack a cigarettes and smoked one. That first draw was discussing! I would have sworn I had just licked the bottom of an ashtray. Nasty! Yet I continued to smoke that cigarette until it was gone. Even upon finishing it the taste did not improve.Although the second cigarette from the pack did taste a little better. And the next one tasted even better. In two more weeks I was back to smoking like I had never quit.
This quit, it will make number 6 in the over all attempts, was March 2. My mind was not as into it as before. When I quit in September I had no idea what it was like to go more than two days with out a cigarette. I was scared to say the least. But I was determined to do it. I knew what to expect this time. I knew what had worked before and what had not worked. I had a rough time in September, but my support group was there for me. It was amazing how my sister seemed to just know when I needed to talk. There were two times when I was about to completely give up and both times she called me to ask how I was. This time, it has not been like that. She called the day before I was scheduled to quit to ask me how it was going. She thought it was the day I had scheduled to quit. I have texted her once and she has responded, but no phone calls. I think it is because I disapointed her the first time. I could be wrong. I haven't asked.
Honestly, the disapointment is with myself. I can do this. I have proven that I can. It is hard, but there are ways to get through, over and beyond those hard times. It only takes a step, just one step, and I would be on my way again. But it seems that for every forward step I have taken of late, I take two steps backward. I can do this. I want to do this. I have so much to look forward to! Please help me dig the hook out of my back that cigarettes have put there. Let me know that I am not the only one that has felt like this. I want to become a life long member of the EX community.
Thank you all in advance of any comments, wisdom, remarks, advice you can share.
Shawn in Georgia
