I'm recovering from my slip and moving on. It's Day 5 - again, lol, but that's ok. It feels like I never smoked, and I'm so grossed out by the smell, the idea, and THE SCAM!!! Yes, I'm angry at Big Tobacco, and everyone should be! What a con! Besides the slavery of the addiction in one's own personal experience, there's the fact that every smoker is Big Tobacco's bitch! UGH! How humiliating! I just can't bring myself to even consider getting sucked back in to that racket! I earn $12.56 an hour right now, and a pack of cigarettes here in Alberta (25 cigarettes) is at least $11.00. That's an hour of my time each and every day. Crazy! And for the two weeks I was quit and again this week I notice the difference in my wallet. The week I smoked was a pretty light smoking week. I wasn't used to smoking anymore, and the last day I had to force myself to smoke. I made myself smoke up until my designated "quit day" again. By the time I put out the last cigarette they were making me gag.
So I'm grateful to be free. Free from the need to have them in my purse, free from the smell and nuisance of the proverbial "smoke break", free from the shame of being a dupe to some big corporation that is killing people, free from the irritation of the nic fit. I'm free! And it's for real. Not gonna say "this time" because it's all really "one time". Every time we quit and fail and try again is the same quit. It's us. It's our life. You're still the same person struggling with the same addiction. Each time, you learn something more, and each time you bring that experience to the quit. Some people quit easily, some struggle for years. It's not permission to smoke, to keep relapsing, to keep "trying" forever, it's just acknowledgment of the fact that slipping or full on relapsing is not the end. Try again. Keep quitting, no matter how many times it takes.
The pastor at my church grabbed a guitar and sang this poem by Rumi on Sunday. It made me cry:
Come, come, whoever you are, wanderer, worshipper, lover of leaving
Come, come whoever you are, this isn't a caravan of despair.
And it doesn't matter if you've broken your vows a thousand times before,
And yet again
Come again, come yet again, come, come again, come.
Everyone have a wonderful day of freedom!
