Choice: Celebration or Guilt

[MaryRobin]

I started this journey and blog at the end of August, roughly a month ago. My original quit date was Sept. 25, and i moved it up to Sept 20. In this time, I have cut back my vaping habit from one pod (equal to a pack of cigarettes) a day to one pod every 5 days (equal to 4 cigarettes a day). 

Yesterday, I began to think: as much as I am happy, feeling so much better, and wanting to celebrate how much I have cut back, I feel guilty because I really am not ready yet to quit entirely. I feel guilty because I don’t want to let myself down- let all of you who have cared enough to write and support- down. I have to be honest with myself, and celebrate that I consistently cut down to 20% of the nicotine I had been consuming, and have been at this amount now for almost two whole weeks. 

I am sorry that I am not ready to quit on Sept. 20. I need to take more time, and keep inching my way down and out of this addiction. I have learned from reading that everyone has their own journey, and I am so happy for those of you who have been able to quit cold turkey- but it is not my journey. Mine is slowly but surely, cutting back. I want to celebrate my successes rather than feel guilt. That said, I apologize for not being ready yet. 

I will I’ll continue to blog as I cut back, I will keep reading posts and blogs of others who are in their journeys, and doing my research. I am going to stick to cutting back my triggers (this week, I cut coffee and alcohol out of my life 100%; I switched to one cup of tea in the a.m. and seltzer water in the eve. I have been drinking two cups of coffee and 2 glasses of wine every eve for years. Today is day 7 with neither.) 

Best to you all. I will update my quit date before my old one passes.

[indingrl]

CONGRATS 20% less NICOTINE - WAY TO GO AND GOOD JOB - CONGRATS on 7 DAYS ALCOHOL FREEDOM and CONGRATS on 7 DAYS CAFFINE FREEDOM - it is YOUR OWN PERSONAL LIFE STYLE - I am so glad for YOU -  less NICOTINE an NO alcohol or NO caffine -  it works for YOU - please no need to apologize - its YOUR LIFE - please take what YOU like and let go of the rest - to be HELPFUL is MY only aim - thank you - good job loving YOU and it is PROGRESS not PERFECTION - 20% - then BAM 100% NICOTINE FREEgentle hug 

[YoungAtHeart]

Just as everyone is different, so is every quit journey.  What is right for me and someone else may not be right for you.  The only way to know for sure is to give it a try.  You can always try a different way if this one isn't it...nothing ventured, nothing gained!!!

Don't feel as though you are letting ANYBODY down.  All we require of you is that you give this effort 100%, ask questions when you have them and for support when you need it.

Do let us know how you are doing!

Nancy

[Giulia]

Uh, my opinion only here - "I started this journey and blog at the end of August, roughly a month ago. "  You don't need more than a month to get your head in right place for this.  This "I need to take more time, and keep inching my way down and out of this addiction"  sounds to me like a really great excuse for putting your quit off.  The "I'm not quite ready" excuse is one, I think, we've all used in our excuse book.  That's why I'm mentioning it.  It's not personal.  OK? 

Guilt only serves a purpose if it serves a purpose.  In the sense that it spurs us on to greater achievements and greater self discipline.  Otherwise it's just soul depleting.

You know yourself best.  If you're truly not ready to quit yet, and it's not an excuse - then that's fine.  But if in your heart of hearts you recognize it maybe IS and excuse, then you need to do some more self-examining.  You don't need to apologize to US, we're on your team no matter what.  You need to apologize to yourself.  Do you know what I mean?  That Best of yourself that knows when you're not doing the best that you can do.  

The celebration comes when we become the Best that we can be in whatever area we're trying to achieve.  Quitting is a step in that direction.  Guilt is what happens when we let OURSELVES down.  

[MaryRobin]

I am grateful for what you are saying, and the guilt I feel is real- so, yes- I am letting myself down. Quitting is hard work. I am working hard at limiting, and am afraid to take the next step in 100% eliminating it from my life. I haven’t had this little nicotine in my system for years, let alone alcohol and caffeine, and I am committed to living a NO ADDICTION life....I wish I was there and could start Friday. There are people on this site that make it sound easy and others who I see have tried, succeeded, failed, tried again, and keep on going. I read “Pops” blog last night and although our lives may be different, our addiction is the same; I so valued hearing about his journey and his willingness to share. I need to read more about all of you and all you have gone through to get to the other side of this addiction.

Thank you for your honesty. 

I will be here, even if quiet for a bit, until i can 100% do this.

[Giulia]

Quitting IS hard work.  And I totally understand the fear of letting it go 100% percent.  And that's okay.  That's just the next step you need to agree to within yourself.  There are very few of us who found this process "easy."  We may try to make it sound "easy" to spur newbies on, and that's not a bad thing.  If we said, THIS IS MOST HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE I'VE EVER BEEN THROUGH! - well that's not exactly quit producing, is it!  lol

Gotta find a sense of humor about it all.  It really helps.  And you're right, reading the blogs of others who are going through this process really helps in giving different perspectives of the journey.  Pops‌ Thought pops might enjoy your reference to his post, so I'm mentioning him here.

[MaryRobin]

Your post made me smile- almost laugh! Thank you for that! You are right that if you shared only about how horrible this is, it might make newbies freak out....But it is horrible to be addicted to a drug that keeps one wanting more, even after heart scared, surgeries, cancer, and people dying. I AM SCARED and most definitely want to beat this for me, for my family and friends, for people like you and Pops (glad you tagged him- his journey is inspiring and so courageous; I am so glad to know it and would be honored to connect with him, too) that I have never even met, and for others who have lost their lives trying but never being able to quit. 

My aunt died a few years ago after being a lifetime smoker. She had emphysema, but her anorexia and fear of putting on weight kept her smoking until her death at 72. She quit once that I remember and put on 50 pounds....She died at only 78 pounds. 

I have no more words- only actions that I must make to fight and win. I am sick of “trying”- I must face my fears and keep going... I hate my addiction. I want to live- and I know what I have to do....Thanks again for your words, tonight: You have helped and I will be thinking, reading, and in touch again soon. 

PS: Spent this eve reading your post about the Ex-Files Posts from years back; scary truths and important read. I will keep digging in on the site and looking for strength and courage.

[YoungAtHeart]

If you want to read about other's journeys, click on their avatar (top right).  That will take you to their page.  Then select content, oldest first, to see their early journey blogs.

Glad you are thinking about it all, reading and preparing. 

Nancy

[Ann007]

Just wanted you to know that I hear what you are saying & totally get it. Tomorrow is my quit day and I am really struggling with it. I feel like juuling is my secret little friend even though I know it's horrible for me. I know that I need/have to quit but I just can't say that I want to. I guess with me it is coming down to me having to make myself do something that I don't want to do (but know that I should). It's crazy what a hold this has had over me! I'm an otherwise healthy woman in my 50's who spent a night in the ER with breathing difficulties and chest pain a few weeks ago but I'm still doing this & can't even begin to explain to myself why. I've started thinking of it more as a horrible, dangerous addiction & that's helping me prepare mentally. I have been doing like you & making small positive changes gradually. One thing I did a few days ago was to scratch up my Juul really bad so I would stop feeling like it was some sleek, precious object to me. This has helped me some with my attachment to it. May help you too? Just know that everyone's journey is different, but that you are not alone in your struggles. I'm proud of you for making the commitment to work on tackling this! 

[Barbscloud]

You have to do what works for you.  I used Welbutrin and nictrol inhalers as my aids.  I did cut down, but just for a week.  Don't let fear stop you from trying.  Fear of failure, fear of loss-whatever your particular fear you might have.  It can be scary even thinking that you'll never be able to do this again.  That's why it's so important to concentrate on one day at a time.  Congrats on eliminating some of those triggers in advance.  This may be the best approach for you.  For me it was important to have a quit date to work toward.  It may not feel like it now, but it is a day to celebrate.  That's why we celebrate our milestones.  Stay close.

Barb

[JonesCarpeDiem]

I didn't set a date until I knew I could succeed.

I cut down but did not count or deny myself to do it.

Think about this.

Four cigarettes a day

That's pretty much in continuous withdrawal territory.

So you aren't clinging to the nicotine, you're clinging to the familiarity and the routine.

[MaryRobin]

Thank you so much, and I will be sending you best wishes and keeping you in my thoughts. Keep me posted on your progress! Best Always, Mary

[Giulia]

"with me it is coming down to me having to make myself do something that I don't want to do (but know that I should)"

  Ann, I think none us really "want" to quit.  I'll bet if you took a poll 99% of the people here have said the same thing you did at some point in their quit attempts.  What we really want is to enjoy our addiction without consequences.  I said for the longest time "If I could smoke without penalty, I would."  That statement is peppered throughout my early blogs.  We all wish we could be casual puffers, not addicted ones.  You know, after dinner, or with a drink out with friends, or after a job well done.  We want to be in control.  The problem is, it's an addiction.  And addictions are only controlled absolutely by avoiding them, by complete abstinence.

In the beginning of my journey I didn't realize that I was a slave, that it WAS an addiction.  I thought, like many here, that it was just a "bad habit."  You say: "I'm still doing this & can't even begin to explain to myself why"  THAT's the why.  Because it's an addiction.  Logic can't overcome it, because it's not a logical thing.  Logic has nothing to do with it.  It chemical and emotional.  So in order to overcome it we have to change how we think about it, and deny the brain receptors further nicotine nourishment.

That's why educating ourselves is the main key.  The more we understand our particular relationship with the addiction, the better able we are to conquer it.  And support give us the necessary emotional strength to do so.

Scratching up your juul I think it a GREAT idea and a wonderful psychological tool!  Smart!  The more we pay attention to something, the great power we allow it to have over ourselves.   https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/message/30736-craving-buster-techniques#comment-104606 \

Hope tomorrow goes well for you.  Just take it one day at a time.

[Ann007]

I appreciate this! And thanks for reminding me that the addiction is mental as well as emotional. I’ve tried so hard to understand/figure it out, but you’re right - logic has nothing to do with how I feel about it. It helps to know that I’m not alone in not “wanting” to quit. I’ve never been on a forum before and guess I assumed (wrongly) everyone here was all gung-ho and excited about quitting. Okay maybe 1%.

[Ann007]

Trust me I’m in the no man’s land as far as making progress. I’m same as you just wanting to wait a little longer, another day, after a dinner Saturday night, after the weekend, when I’m off in two weeks, etc. I’m reading Alan Carr’s Easy Way book again today and it’s really making me mad in a good way. You may want to check it out. It’s sort of goofy and repetitious but somehow hits the mark. 

[Giulia]

Oh, we're gung ho, make no mistake.  But I do think some of it's a bit I'M GOING TO HAVE THE BEST FRICKIN' ATTITUDE IF IT KILLS ME!  lol  Part of preparation is in getting up that gung ho excitement.  So in that sense, it's true.  We DO get excited about quitting.  It sure helps if one does.  That's part of changing our thinking.

[maryfreecig]

I've gained so much since I quit. But I remember how much I coveted my smoking--counting my cigarettes, keeping my lighter close at all times, finishing a cigarette and looking for the next, keeping a pack on the bedstand, rushing to get a carton if I was on my last pack. Then there were things like--running on break for a cigarette. Mowing the lawn--and how much I looked forward to having a cigarette.

Smoking meant the world to me then. But of course, like you, I was addicted to nicotine. 

You said that you had your addiction, but it might be better to frame it this way: I am afraid to feel bad without my stuff. 

Quitting is at your call, on your say so, not a moment sooner. Dale said he didn't pick a day. Me neither, but I picked a time--I said a carton was enough. I stuck to that. I'm not recommending one thing or another as to your quit time, just telling you about how I got to my quit day one/won. 

Yes you can, one day at a time.

[virgomama]

Hi MaryRobin.  I stayed at 5 cigarettes a day for almost 3 years after I failed my 3rd attempt at quitting, because I didn't want to face another failed attempt.  I needed that long to get my confidence back up.  So let yourself go through the process.  Whatever works for you to get to that final quit is ok.  Even the guilt, shame, frustration, is part of the walk in getting there.  I'm now coming up on 1 year smoke free in 2 weeks and I can tell you it has been worth every trial and error I've been through to make it.  So just keep on quitting, keep on reducing, keep on setting dates until you get there.  Just keep on.  You'll get there in your own time in your own way.  This little community will be here for you.  Kudos to you to keep blogging and staying out there with your honesty.

[PrimeNumberJD]

MaryRobin‌, no relation to Christopher, what you just wrote out took some guts! You opened yourself to criticism and the possibility of being shunned by the community; of course, neither will happen. 

Everyone's journey is different and you need to do what you need to do to get quit. Some things that may help:

1. Stay with the community and continue to be active as you plan to. I've noticed that those who flat out fail just disappear.  If you stay with the community, the rate of success appears to increase as long as you stick around.

2. I know you moved you moved your date, I went over my quit day to (a lot of peeps miss it) but look and decide on a date that will work within your plan and do your best to stick to it. Nicotine will do everything it can to hold onto you; it will lie to you, make you feel guilty, and create anxiety where none should exist. 

3. I really don't have a 3, I just felt like there should be a 3rd bullet to even things out! Really, don't beat yourself up and add more undue stress!

I look forward to reading more about your journey to becoming a Sexy Exer!

[Sootie]

A great blog always spurs a lot of comment.....so you have a GREAT blog!

I always think that 100% of smokers don't want to quit smoking-----meaning they don't want to go through the "quit" process. BUT....100% of smokers would like to be non smokers. They would like to go to sleep and just wake up a non smoker! Wouldn't that be great? Unfortunately, addiction doesn't work that way.

Seriously...while quitting is hard it is NOT impossible. I did NOT think it was the hardest thing I ever did.....that would be crazy! I have faced some big challenges in my life and smoking doesn't even go in the top 5. BUT......it IS one of the BEST things I have ever done for myself and it will be for you also.

JonesCarpeDiem‌ is telling you something important. I don't know much about vaping but if you are saying you have weaned yourself down to about 4 cigarettes a day.........you are pretty much placing yourself in a state of constant withdrawal. You are getting too little nicotine to "satisfy" your receptors......BUT, you are still in-taking nicotine so the receptors are not dying.....they just are starving and pretty angry! You can only cut down so far until you have to just quit....it is kind of like easing yourself into cold water......after a few steps....it's easier to just dive in and get it over with. Whether you decide to dive in is completely up to you.....no judgement here. We will be here whenever you decide.

[MaryRobin]

Thank you so much for your thoughts; they were with me all day... Really helpful. 

[MaryRobin]

Really helpful and inspiring to hear from you- thank you for sharing....

[MaryRobin]

I am so grateful for your sharing; you are giving me hope that I can do this.....As long as I keep working and going and do not give up, I will do this! Can’t wait to be saying, “I DID IT,” every day, day after day.

Really, thank you.  

[MaryRobin]

Jderring, I was hoping you would write me! You were the one that I thought of the most when initially writing my post because you have been so supportive, insightful, and when you said you were traveling on Friday but would still check in after what should have been my quit day, it meant a lot and I felt guilty. 

It was a risk- thank you for acknowledging- and I wasn’t sure what would come back if anything. I am still new here, and I have never blogged before. I simply know that being truthful about my struggle with this addiction is essential, no matter what the consequences. For years, I have hid my smoking out of shame and guilt, to the point that now that I have cut back and am working on eliminating it from my life, I have almost no one in my life (sans this site) to share/discuss with. I am grateful for you.:))

Your three bullet points are terrific (thank you for adding a third- everything helps:)), and I wasn’t going to stay on the site until I could reset a date, but now I will. (I keep thinking that maybe I can go back to my first date-9/25- or maybe 10/1....I will work on this, and in the meantime, I will stay connected.) 

Thank you for all, and hope you have a great weekend.:))

[PrimeNumberJD]

Mary,

I am going to have to change my handle to Jon D, people probably think I'm being secretive with my first name. 

I'm thankful I could have such an impact and I'm glad you didn't disappear; none of the help is available if you go away. All of the help is here if you stay! This isn't the easiest thing you'll ever do, but it is the best thing you'll ever do! I also can't judge, I missed July 1, 2, and 3rd before I finally had my last cigarette ever at 8 pm. Who am I to judge? 

If I may pry, and maybe in answering it may help your guilt, why do you hide vaping? What is it in other people's perception that makes it feel so bad that you must hide it? Finally, and perhaps most importantly, are you writing for "them" or are you writing for YOU? Don't feel you need to answer here, or to anyone but yourself. That is the only person you owe the answers to. 

 I'm still new as well, we can learn and move forward together! Keep blogging Mary! We will get there! 

[Mward90]

First off congratulations on the no coffee and no alcohol!!  That is such an amazing accomplishment in itself.  And the cutting way back on the vaping that is awesome as well.  You can do this!

[MaryRobin]

This deserves a longer response than I have time for now, Jon; I will try to blog later today/this eve. 

It is is a great question about why I have hidden my smoking and now vaping forever....I have journaled about this, so the answer to your bigger question is that it is for ME that I am finally “coming out” here, but the reasons are complex (and may make for interesting storytelling which I can only hope will help me, someone else, and at the least keep me talking about why I need to quit.)

Thinking about going for Sept. 25 (my original quit date): I have a plan and I believe I can do it. 

More later. Have a great day!

PS- What made you quit? I have to look and see if you have a blog, too.....Work’s been busy this week, but it’s finally almost the weekend, so I will make time for this site and exploring/researching more....

[JonesCarpeDiem]

"4 cigarettes a day.........you are pretty much placing yourself in a state of constant withdrawal. You are getting too little nicotine to "satisfy" your receptors......BUT, you are still in-taking nicotine so the receptors are not dying.....they just are starving and pretty angry! You can only cut down so far until you have to just quit....it is kind of like easing yourself into cold water......after a few steps....it's easier to just dive in and get it over with."

That's what I'm talkin' about!

[MaryRobin]

You are right! Thanks again for writing and for your support. It’s been a few weeks of counting each hit and making sure I stay within those boundaries....and it’s tiring! And yes, I have gone through a lot of withdrawal symptoms for the last few weeks, with just a few lagging now (a tiny bit of phlegm on my vocal cords....Far more positives have emerged at the same time: I am sleeping better, I can breathe way better, the headaches have become almost non-existent, and by quitting coffee and alcohol completely, I have gotten rid of my two biggest triggers for vaping. This morning I woke up and thought,” If I don’t just quit already, I will go back to smoking the way I used to, and lose all that I have gained.”

My original quit date was Sept. 25, and I upped it to today, Sept. 20. I am Re-setting it to the 25th (I will edit this on my profile this morning.) Done counting hits- ready to count days as an ex. 

Your comments really helped me think this through- serious thanks. Best to you, Mary

[JonesCarpeDiem]

Rather than counting, just say, "I'm going to wait a little longer."

Counting takes effort and denial, a reminder breaks the cycle automatically.

[JonesCarpeDiem]

You prove you don't need to smoke just because you thought you did and by doing that, you are ready.

I knew I was buying my last pack when I was at the counter and not before. I set my date right then, knowing by that time, I was smoking 5 a day.

You have the power Mary.

[MaryRobin]

Thank you thank you thank you!!!!

[JonesCarpeDiem]

You're welcome.

The following link will give you an overview of the whole process as I see it.

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/thread/6040-my-welcome-to-new-members-12-years-of-watching 

[PrimeNumberJD]

What a seemingly easy question that is quite difficult to answer! I have had a long seated desire to quit, but I was unsuccessful for many years. Why this time? 

My catalyst for quitting was another raise in taxes for a pack. Illinois, if you even only do a quick search, is one of the most corrupt states in the union. I was, and am, unwilling to give them another $365 a year. That got me started, but I recognized it would not keep me quit as I travel a decent amount and can just buy them in other states.

I found the Ex on day 3 of my quit, so I did not blog leading up to it. I felt super confident in my quit, but I knew that 3 days quit would lead to a month with a relapse shortly after that point; I've played this game before. Nancy (youngatheart) pointed me towards whyquit.com. I reluctantly went to the site (I was being obstinate). After reading through a decent amount of material (I read it when I had urges), it became clear to me that I have been fooled. I started to knock down the normal barriers to a successful long term quit. I did not quite have a solid reason to quit, this was between ther 1 to 4 week period.

I found that I got nothing from smoking. It doesn't relieve stress, it didn't pass time (efficiently), it didn't  make me cool, and it was eating away at my being. Then, I started to really think about every urge and crave, study them, understand them, and welcome them. Once I wanted them to come around, they really started to disappear. My reasons started to develop. 

What made me quit? Honestly, nothing made me quit! I really faked it until I made it. Surely, there were the aforementioned catalysts but there wasn't a forcing function. In fact, I've been forced to quit before for a military school, it only worked while the forcing function was there; I relapsed as soon as I graduated because I felt I was missing something by not having it. How short our memory is, I looked forward to the opportunity to quit when heading to the school. While I was there, I didn't change my mentality and, therefore, ensured I would relapse!

If nothing made me quit, then what drove me to quit? For me, it is this community. I did the work, sure, but I didn't have to do it alone. Much the same as you, I was a closet smoker too, most people didn't know I smoked. A friend that I coached with for 4 years didn't know i smoked until our last team picnic. I did not have a big support group quitting, my support group dwindles quickly. I've never had a problem quitting, I had the problem of staying quit. The community provides continual assistance and support throughout your quit, no matter what stage you are at.

So, why did I quit, I haven't quite hammered that down. I know what started it, what has helped it along, and where it is going, but I cannot define the "Big Bang" that started the reactions, or even if the "God Particle" exists.

I could name all the cliche reasons such as money, health, smell better, avoid disease and so on, but I knew those all along and they didn't change it. If I had to choose what did it for me, I would say I don't like being controlled. I never really considered myself as being controlled until I visited whyquit.com and some of the other research I did. I kept screenshots of these, I return to them and I share them when I see someone else in similar peril! Ultimately, I am looked (and still look) for the underlying reasosn I want to stay quit.

You'll get your mind wrapped around it Mary, you'll succeed. You may set out with a list of reasons to quit and those may only be the tip of the iceberg. Seek to find out and affect your underlying assumptions!

Sorry for the long response, I had time to formulate a response as I traveled home today (lots of time due to delays).

[JACKIE1-25-15]

I was checking on you.  I see you are still active ...Carry on. Have a great weekend.

[PrimeNumberJD]

JACKIE1-25-15‌ you are so wonderful! 

[virgomama]

That's the key right there.  Never give up.  How are you doing?? Still hanging in there I hope.

[MaryRobin]

Doing really well: two weeks free on Wednesday.:)) Thanks for checking, and hope this find you well, too!

[virgomama]

Good job!!!  So glad you made it.  It truly does get easier.  I am well and still smoke free.  It is so worth it.