Caregiver/Smoker

[strokeinthefam]

Controlling stress as a caregiver of loved ones is...I want to say, a joke. So controlling stress is not key to quitting? Can't be because I will quit, stress or not. Smoking adds to my stress.

My quit date is March 15th, 2018. I quit in January for 3 weeks, relapsed Feb 16th until now.

I have had accountability partners in place since Nov 2017. My pastor, yes my pastor I text daily how many I smoked today. His wife, my Bible Study teacher and a new best friend.

My main victory has been admitting I smoked to my church family, pastor, Sunday school class, bible study group, sewing circle. The duplicity and deceit were tearing me apart. Of course most were very gracious and many shared they were exsmokers. No one knew!

Took me a long taper to get to zero cigs a day. After 42 years an addict, many attempts, all nicotine replacement products tried and failed. 

Beat advice received was be kind and gentle to myself. I have never been kind and gentle to myself. As I've grown spiritually and discovered my Creator invented kindness and gentleness...who knew? Of course He did. Every good thing comes from Him. I' now kinder and gentler to others too.

I'm using NicordermCQ and lozenges. I smoke less than 10 a day since relapsing. My first quit I smoked a pack a day so I'm stoked! 

I don't plan to share my grief or details of my life until I know this site is safe and responsive. I used the Nicorrete website the first quit and it was amazing info and tips but not great members support as posts old, people come and mostly go. 

Congrats to everyone for quitting or attempting quitting. It is a lifestyle to unlearn one day at a time, over the rest of my lifetime. Proud and happy to be here.

[aderb]

Welcome and congratulations on your decision 

[JACKIE1-25-15]

Again, welcome to EX  As I stated before you have come to the right place.  It is good that you want to know that someone is responsive.  I hope to see you here on a regular basis.  Quitting smoking takes work and support. I have found that smoking was adding to my stress.  When ,where to smoke? who will see me? do I smell? who knows? am I going to get cancer? why can't I quit?  Where are my cigs, lighter? Do I have any? Do I have enough money to get them. It went on and on and on.  I no longer have that stress.  Here is a blog by the Expert on site Dr Hayes. about stress. https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/community/expert-advice/blog/2011/09/02/stress-and-quitting-smoki...   With an NOPE no matter what attitude you will have suggest.  Stay close and bookend your days here.  We will support you. 

[Barbscloud]

Welcome.  Also new - 3 weeks today.  Reach out for help when you need it and sign the daily pledge not to smoke today!

[YoungAtHeart]

Welcome to our community!

Life is always going to happen; it's how you deal with it that tells the tale.  We will give you information and tips to help you with what it throws at you while quitting.

The most important thing you can do right now is to educate yourself on what nicotine does to your body and mind. To that end, I highly recommend Allen Carr's “The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.” This is an easy and entertaining read. You can search for it online or at your local library.

 You should also read the posts here and perhaps go to the pages of folks who you think might be helpful. You might visit whyquit.com, quitsmokingonline.com and livewell.com for the good information contained there. @https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/best-of-ex has lots of blogs written by members of this site with their experiences and guidance. You should also do the tracking and separation exercises suggested in My Quit Plan http://www.becomeanex.org/my-quit-plan.php

Be careful when combining NRT;s that you aren't getting more nicotine than when you smoked.  Check the dosage on the patch and the lozenges.  Figure out how much nicotine you were getting when you quit (one cigarette is about 1 mg of nicotine).  Please don't pop a lozenge in every time you feel a craving.  That will just be substituting one addiction for another.  Use them only as a last resort when you have tried all of your other tools.

The idea is to change up your routines so the smoking associations are reduced.  Drink your coffee with your OTHER hand in a place different from when you smoked. Maybe switch to tea for a bit.  If you always had that first smoke with your coffee, try putting your tennies on right out of bed, going for a quick walk, then taking your shower and THEN your coffee! Rearrange the furniture in the areas you used to smoke so the view is different. Buy your gas at a different station. Take a different route to work. Take a quick walk at break time where the smokers AREN'T.

You need to distract yourself through any craves.  You can take a bite out of a lemon (yup - rind and all), put your head in the freezer and take a deep breath of cold air, do a few jumping jacks, go for a brisk walk or march in place, play a computer game.  Keep a cold bottle of water with you from which to sip. Don't let that smoking thought rattle around in your brain unchallenged. Sometimes you need to quit a minute or an hour at a time.  You will need to be disciplined in the early days to distract yourself when a crave hits.    Get busy!  Here is a link to a list of things to do instead of smoke if you need some fresh ideas:

https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/02/25/100-things-to-do-instea...

The conversation in your head in response to the "I want a cigarette" thought needs to be, "Well, since I have decided not to do that anymore, what shall I do instead for the three minutes this crave will last?"  Then DO it.  You will need to put some effort into this in the early days, but it gets easier and easier to do.

Stay close to us here and ask questions when you have them and for support when you need it. We will be with you every step of the way!

Nancy

[MichelleDiane]

No doubt about it Strokeinthefamily, caregiving is incredibly challenging (difficult).  My children are grown, but I have a special needs daughter whom requires caregiving.  As I am her legal guardian now there are even more demands in order for her to receive and maintain benefits.  And even though she is mostly self-sufficient I still have to do things for her that a typical young adult would for themselves.   So many meetings, doctor's appointments, and , thankfully, activities that she needs.  Smoking added to the stress and made me feel unwell.  I am fearful of the day that I won't be here to help her, so I am not speeding up the process.  She and the rest of my family needs me, so that is key for my quit.  Stay focused and try to put time in for yourself to gain more energy.  Smoking definitely depletes energy, so it is counterproductive.  

All the best,

Michelle  

[desiree465]

Congratulations on your decision to save your life. You will find plenty of support on here. I was worried that it would be a lot of arguing and disagreeing on the site, like you see on most sites where people can comment freely to one another. But from what I've seen, if it does start to go that way the thread gets shut down (it doesn't seem to happen often).  Everyone on here has been so supportive of me and of each other it's kinda amazing. Like some of the others said read read read eventually you'll want to comment more because it does help to vent when you're having a hard time or post questions when you can't find the answers you're looking for. 

[JonesCarpeDiem]

/blogs/jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007-blog/2011/06/26/what-to-expect-in-the-first-four-months 

Keep Learning!

[Nymous]

Congratulations. I think you are in the right direction. Having an accountability partner is great.

One thing I can assure you about this site is that if you ask for a help, there is someone always to help you. There are elders here that have quit many years ago that still frequent the site and offer invaluable guidance.

Good luck with your quit. You can do it.

[Chuck-2-20-2011]

Welcome to the site!!

 You've already received some good links to get you started on any learning you might want to do above. I just wanted to welcome you and say that you've made the right choice to take your life back from addiction. We're here if you need us

ONWARD TO FREEDOM!!!

Chuck

[elvan]

Welcome to EX...the links will keep coming, you are going to do fine, believe it.

Ellen

[Kimshine]

Welcome to Ex!

[MarilynH]

Welcome to the community please read everything the links suggested above me and continue to read everything you can about quitting smoking and remaining quit because there's a wealth of information here to strengthen your resolve to kick the nicotine poison to the curb and start living a life of Freedom, you can do this, believe in yourself and be willing determined and totally committed to succeed and you can and will be successful one precious Smokefree Day at a time or hour minute or even a second at a time, choosing to quit and stay quit is the best decision that you'll ever make in your lifetime. 

[strokeinthefam]

Thank you aderb. Much appreciated!

[strokeinthefam]

Thank you very much! Glad to be here!

[strokeinthefam]

I appreciate your efforts to help her. Normal parenting plus, plus plus! I have 3 family members depending on me, one at home and 2 are an hour away. It is my pleasure to help and love them. Stressful when I cannot do enough and they are fearful and vulnerable. Stopping smoking will bring me much needed relief. Thank you for sharing.

[strokeinthefam]

Your reply is so helpful! Thank you! I was worried about the same things you were. Great feedback!

[strokeinthefam]

Oh yeah! I will!

[strokeinthefam]

I appreciate the reassurance! I love this site so far. Thank you for your reply!

[strokeinthefam]

ONWARD TO FREEDOM, ABSOLUTELY!!!

[strokeinthefam]

I see your point. Thank you.

[strokeinthefam]

Thank you! Glad to be here!

[strokeinthefam]

Wow! Thank you for your warm welcome! I will pay attention. Having trouble navigating the site but not fir long I hope!

[strokeinthefam]

Bookend???? I don' understand. Sorry. 

[YoungAtHeart]

I think she wants you to start and end each day being active here on the site!

🙂

[strokeinthefam]

Lol! That makes perfect sense. Learning a new dialect is fun!

[Giulia]

Howdy and Welcome.  "Bookend" just means to begin your day with some reading on the site and do the same at the end of your day.  Bookend:  "a support for the end of a row of books to keep them upright, often one of a pair."

You say your quit day is March 15th.  But you say you're still smoking, so I'm confused.  Do you mean April 15?  You also say:  "all nicotine replacement products tried and failed," but shortly thereafter you say:  "I'm using NicordermCQ and lozenges."  So I'm curious - what are you planning to do differently this time?  If the products failed before, what will keep them from failing this time?  Also, when you say "failed," do you mean they didn't do what they were supposed to?  What exactly do you expect them to do for you?  What do you not expect them to do for you?  What do you think you need to do to make this quit stick?  Examine those three weeks you had free and figure out what caused you to relapse.  Don't take the easy route and just answer "stress."  Be specific.  What particular stress?  What will you do to alleviate stress or change your thinking and behavior about it?  These are all the kinds of questions serious quitters need to ask and answer for themselves.  That's what we mean about doing your homework on here.  

Being gentle on yourself doesn't mean letting yourself off the hook for failure.  It simply means not beating yourself up about it.   We can be kind to ourselves yet still be truthful with ourselves.  You know?  We DO need to acknowledge when we blow it.  And then move on to the next attempt.  Accountability means not letting ourselves off the hook with an easy "that's ok, just try again."  Because if that becomes the mantra, we'll never break through to the next part of the journey.  

[bonniebee]

As you can already see by all of the comments you will get plenty of wise and  caring support on this site !

Welcome to Ex !!!!!! 

[strokeinthefam]

Yes, April 15th is correct. I relapsed when my mom had brain aneurysm surgery Feb 19. An elective surgery complicated by a brain bleed during surgery. 15 days in ICU. I slipped up just before and after the surgery but relapsed by day 7. She was in Acute Rehabilitation until yesterday. Skilled nursing now. My husband is disabled with COPD and diagnosed with bladder cancer in Dec. He has been too weak to leave alone for 9 weeks, then 2 days later, mom's surgery. Any recommendations for staying quit when loved ones may be dying? There has to be a way. I handle the stress better when I don't smoke. Overwhelming responsibility a definite trigger. 

I QUIT while my husband was getting cancer treatment. So I can handle stress.

NICORETTECQ makes me feel strange. Brain foggy, edgy. If I remove the patch this goes away. I did the full 6 week course starting at step one through step 3 and added one piece of a nicorette 4 mg lozenge cut in 4 pieces when the urge was super strong because once the crave passed I could spit it out.

I do not sleep well with the patch. I dont wear it to bed. I find it difficult to not smoke while wearing the patch. The patch didn' fail me. I failed to quit smoking while using it.

Chantix, zyban I get mean and spacey. E cigarette, upset stomach. Nicotine inhaler OK, sore throat. Nicotine gum burns my throat.

All help with craving. I expected them to replace smoking but they don't. I know now they reduce craving. I don' mind being addicted to them if it keeps from smoking.

Being kind and gentle to myself is exactly how you expressed it. 

What am I doing different this time? Two things.

One, this forum. If mom's

surgery had not had complications I think I would still be smoke free.

Secondly,  none of my accountability partners have ever smoked so I am hoping ex smokers on this forum will be of benefit.

[Giulia]

Number one, I'm so glad you found what I said helpful. Number two - I just am sitting here shaking my head and thinking to myself "you haven't a clue, honey as to what other people are going through."  (speaking of myself)  I am humbled by your experience and truthfulness.  I think you have all the answers.  And that you know yourself really well.  So I should just shut up as far as advice.  But I sure am on your support team.  

But of course I will try to still offer advice.  'Cause, my God, that's why we're here, those of us who stay around FOREVER to offer support and advice.  We desperately want you to be smoke free as desperately as you do.  "Any recommendations for staying quit when loved ones may be dying? There has to be a way."  When we truly understand that smoking doesn't give us anything back.  It doesn't alleviate, it doesn't soften, it doesn't create joy, it's just a "go to" simply because we're addicted to it - I think when we grasp that understanding of the addiction, it begins to lose its power.  So the more you can understand the nature of the addiction and your relationship with it, the more you can step back and see it from afar, the better able you are to accept what it is you need to go through to get to the why you're here and have joined this quit smoking site.

I am really sorry your husband and mother are going through all that they are going through, and that you as a caregiver are having to, through love, suffer the emotional journey along with them.  I send a heart full of strength to you.  

[strokeinthefam]

Hey, you had no way to know if I was being a weenie or truly in a stressful situation. I have deliberately been coy about details until I felt safe here. You helped me as I'm sure you have helped others. Maybe I remind you of someone I'm not. I do that all the time.

I truly love the second paragraph of this reply. It takes strength to answer hard questions and the second paragraph is core knowledge and I am truly grateful to you. I want to bookmark your reply but I don't remember how. I'll figure it out or someone will tell me. 

Ready for bed. Goodnight and thank you for your well wishes. Very kind of you. 

[Giulia]

You can't bookmark the reply.  You can only bookmark the blog itself or discussion as a whole.  I have a file on my computer "desktop"  called "EX links." It's a simply a text document.   I copy and paste  those things that I hold dear there.  Isn't necessarily a link,  but could be comments that teach me things that I want to remember.   

Very curious that you say I remind you of someone you're not.  I haven't a clue as to who you are.  You don't remind me of any one actually.  You are YOU.  That you are going through the normal quitting process - well yes, you do remind me of those people going through that process.  And that is pretty much the same for the majority.  But the "weenie" stress level is the same for them as for you emotionally.  It's not the stress, it's the weight of the stress in their minds, the emotional  impact on their lives and their ability to deal with it.  What may be something I can shrug off may not be true for someone with Bipolar disorder or... whatever.  Having a hangnail isn't the same as just finding out you have lung cancer, but it's where we're at (wisdomwise  and brain chemically) that determines our ability to deal with stress.  Thinking quite out loud here top of the brain stream of consciousness.  Don't hold it against me!  lol

[strokeinthefam]

| Again, good information. Thank you. I won't hold it against you for thinking out loud. I'm just so very grateful you care enough about being smoke free to reply to me.

[elvan]

strokeinthefam‌ When you feel a crave...ask yourself what good smoking a cigarette would do...seriously, it does not relieve stress, it does not relieve pain that is physical or emotional, it does not do anything FOR us, only TO us.  You have a husband with COPD, you are seeing the direct results of what it can do...you deserve better.  This is a journey and it really DOES get easier, there comes a time when things happen...BIG things and smoking doesn't even occur to you because you KNOW that it doesn't do any good.  You have had more than your share of challenges but you CAN do this, believe that, believe that it gets easier and along with easier, there is better. Smoking is not going to stop anything from happening...life goes on and death comes when it comes.  It is rarely easy to deal with but it is a passage and there is no way to stop it from happening.  Smoking CERTAINLY does not help that.  It may help to stuff your feelings but those feelings are still there...they just can't find a way out.  Once you learn to deal with your feelings and accept that it is OKAY to feel...you begin to HEAL.

Ellen

[strokeinthefam]

Thanks for the comments. Most helpful to me is your comment regarding stuffing my feelings. As a caregiver to my husband and elderly parents I stuff my feelings daily. I have great support friends that I do not utilize often enough. They are there for me to unstuff myself, so to speak. So, I will add that as my third thing to do different this quit. Utilize my my emmotional support more often. Thank you for your empathy and insight.

[strokeinthefam]

Haven' figured out where or what the daily pledge is yet but I'll let you know when I do. Thanks!

[Giulia]

The Daily Pledge can be found from the home page.  It's one of the large widgets.  Here's a link to the current one:  https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/thread/17805-the-daily-pledge-april-2018   It's renewed every month.  Simple but great tool to help hold ourselves accountable.

[strokeinthefam]

Wow Nancy! Very helpful.

I found the Alan Carr video. 6 hours of listening over 2 days, The Easy Way To Stop Smoking". My book review follows. Lol!

Answered many questions I have had about NRT in a way I totally agree with. However, I prefer addiction to NRT over smoking. Unfortunately, I do not believe I can tolerate NRT for 42 years (that is how long ago I started smoking).  

I'm ready to quit. I will stay close to you as I enjoy not smoking.

For some reason I relate to Carr's analogy of feeding a tapeworm or starving the tapeworm in my stomach. (Actually starving neurotransmitters in my brain.)

I believe I would still be an ex if had understood each and every smoke is response to withdrawal. I have had to wean off medications related to illnesses a few times and totally get it. I do not crave those medications.

Truly smoking hype has been overblown in our current culture with regard to withdrawal. I can do this. And enjoy it. I do not like the word "Easy" in the book title but Mr Carr explained why he used that word pretty well. It is not easy to quit but quitting can be enjoyed.

This concludes my book review of Alan Carr, The Easy Way To Stop Smoking. 

Haven' checked out your other links yet 

[strokeinthefam]

Thank you. I did it. I am holding Gilamonster's hand.

[Giulia]

Better be careful - Gilamonsters can be dangerous!  lol

But I'm sure ours is safe!

[strokeinthefam]

You crack me up!!! 

[KMC56]

We are all here to help, and you will find some of us will have something in common, other than the journey of becoming smoke free!  I smoked for 40 years!

I am a care givers go my mom, I live with smokers, but this is for ME. 

Once you go conquer this maze to freedom...oh what a moment, and one you will keep precious to you.

You will find yourself more in control when life gets out of controll!  That's life.

I'd much rather handle life smoke free.  I love a challenge!

~Kathy 715 DOF

[strokeinthefam]

It is a privilege to minister to those we love. It is frightening to me when I'm so exhausted I feel sick. I hope you do not face this problem. Go girl! You are an ex in a house of smokers!!! Unbelievable strength my friend. I'm' so proud of you!

Thanks for the encouragement! 

[KMC56]

strokeinthefam‌, yes it IS a privilege to minister to those we love and frightening.  I HAVE been that exhausted to the point of real illnesses, wish I could control my stress,  I give it the old college try, that's for sure!

I have a husband whose job has him traveling all over this big world, and I minister to my mom's needs, most times alone.  

Last year my body broke down a bit while trying to stay zen, several UTI's, and finished out with shingles.

Now, I'm recovering from surgery from a vascular stroke.

I think somewhere a blog sort of stated most of us smokers were A type personalities, and I tend to agree.

You'll get through this, your support from your pastor is a great start.

This site is a GREAT support system, my family, and friends.

Like I stated before, I can't  controll everything, bit I am proud to have controlled my quit....you will to!

~Kathy 716 DOF

[strokeinthefam]

Kathy, you have to find a way to rest. Hot bath at least. If you want to brainstorm about it I'm available. I was so sick after last week with mom I felt like my life was draining out of me and slept 30 hours in a day and a half. Scared my hubby. You get to a point where can't is all you can do. I never want to be hospitalized again. Talk about trauma. I'm going to be praying the Lord will show you a way. We are flesh and blood and therefore vulnerable. You know this. Learn your limits please. It is hard but if you are I are gone our loved ones will be ok, just different or not as good. Better to take time to find rest and live. My experience, for what it is worth. None of us are indespensable. Reality stinks but necessary. Hugssssssss!