Blew it already!

[ratz2thaquene]

Got to 12:00 noon not smoking, bought a pack at the grocery store. Have to start all over DAMMIT!

I was so proud and I texted my husband and got NO response, told my son and got "sure mom"...support is not something you get around my space for anything "feely". And then my 16 yr old dog peed in my kitchen (she's gonna be Alien bate for that!!!) and picked a fine time to do so. So I am already as pishy as I can be anyway and I knew I had to do a store run before the snow! So I get my shopping done and I had no intention of buying smokes BUT there I was and outside before I could get my head extracted from the Nether-parts not to light one...and now I've had FOUR!

I am so angry and disappointed with myself. I smoked at them and at my own expectations of failing! I fell for the old expectations trap B.S.! AND it was so nasty to light up!! Yeuch! I didn't cough all morning!

Now Recovery is NOT new to me, after the 30 yrs of sobriety...IT loses it's glow, gang! Yes , I am a grateful sober person and that  I won't die of Alcoholism (Praise God) But smoking is part of the "ism" and is an addiction unto itself. It's a double whammy-o! Smoking is as much a Spiritual struggle for me as it is physical. Addition is a disease, yes but my God, it is an affliction, as well.

So now I dread the Alanon looks on the faces of my husband and son...the ones that say "I told you so" and go with the finger pointing. But these guys have no other expectations of me than failure and that hurts!

I keep telling myself that even though I relapsed...Hell, I didn't even start did I...that God is still on the throne and NO weapon formed against me will prosper and that I just start over. BUT I don't want to do that, I want to do it right the first time, unrealistic I know, I want a perfect quit! Once and for all...I WANT WHAT I WANT AND I WANT IT NOW! Not unreasonable for a Recovering Alcoholic Adult Child of Alcoholic/Dysfunctional Parents, is it! lol...Yes, I know it is! Patience with myself is not my best attribute.

Your support is GREATLY appreciated.

Thanks,

Lyn

[robincharlene]

Don't beat yourself up and just keep trying !!  We have all been at that 5 hour mark when we dash down to 7-11 and cave, buy the cigarettes and oh yes smoke away....yes they taste nasty but after that first few puffs your right back in their control.  We all have slip ups, we are human and this is a horrible addiction but we can do it !!!    I went 20 hours so far, and let me tell you I am starting to get nervous but will not give in again.  Please don't feel bad, I give you an A+++   for even trying.    

[ratz2thaquene]

Thanks Robin! I reset my Clock (it's virtual now) for 4:30pm today CST. I am going forward anyway...it feels like "Yea though I walk... " BUT I deserve a QUIT today!

[la2012]

Lin,

Don't beat yourself up.  Start over, no one here on earth is perfect - so there is no perfect QUIT.  Starting over is WAY better, than giving in to it - YOU CAN DO IIT.  You know you can.  Kudos for your honesty!!! 

[ks100207]

So today wasn't your quit day.  Make it tomorrow.  You made it to noon today didn't you?  As far as the husband, the son and the dog...That would have happened if you smoked or didn't smoke.  If they aren't giving you support (and most of us who have smoked for a long time get that negative response) come here.  Let the Online Angels here pick you up and give you what you need to get through your day.  We love you.

[Yaya2.6.10]

Great advice so far to start over.  I had lack of support from husband and son too and now understand that I had  smoked for so long that they didn't think a Quit was possible and keeping their expectations low.  That made me more determined to prove them wrong.  I also told everyone that I knew of my Quit date.  I got support from the most unexpected places.  That didn't make up for the lack of support from family, but it did add to my determination not to fail.  Use all that stuff that you know from being a Recovering Alcoholic Adult Child etc.  Addiction is addiction and so is codependency and we have to work on that stuff to kick whatever.  You know you can do this and so do we.

[beckie-56]

Remember, you can start your day over, anytime!! 😉

[macho-momma]

hey woman!!! think of what yur saying, in the faceof adversiy, yur not QUITTIN the quitting!! 12 steps could work fo kickin butts couldn,t it? what,s the diff? but as ciggs r the hardest drug to quit, did yu prep & prepare?  what have yu done to get READY to quit ? I spent 3 months prepping the house & preparing to quit & after 47yrs. & cold turkey I,m on day 13!!! but I,ve tried for 3 yrs & couldn,t last a day without smoking!! hypnotized 15 minutes? filters, just smoked more chantrix, kept smoking after the week & omg!! those patches! smoked & had to have paramedics, heart went crazy ( yu can od on nicotine I think)tI actually don,t have any medical problems "forcing" me to quit ! strong as an ox haven,t had to see a DR. in 3 1/2 yrs  for me I decided I want to keep it this way!! quit while the quittins good . plus as an old retired lady I have my little macho (chi-weenie) & took him to vet  about runny eyes (allergies) nope ! he,s only 3 but his life will be cut in half w second hand smoke!! that,s it I,m done! the ONLY thing saving me & making my quit possible is I got READY to quit I,m sorry yu can,t just wake up & say I quit unless yur the toughest broad on the planet we all need help of some kind!!! do yur hubby & son smoke ?maybe they,re thinking about theirselves. not smoking. hang in their , but set a date so that yu can get ready!! we,ll all help yu w tips what we,ve done so when the time comes, YOUR ready ! xx-oo

[ratz2thaquene]

Thanks again everybody!

Seems like the Universe is lining up things to show me...husband and adult son fighting now too...but like KS said that would have happened anyway. Still determined! God give me strength...to remember I didn't get anything from smoking anyway, that stuff has happened whether or not I smoked. I thought smoking was my coping mechanism but that's illusion too...I have "normal" coping skills for growing up the way I did AND a nicotine addiction. Nicotine is a poison, they use it as insecticide to KILL bugs! That should tell me something...

[lois13]

oh i lot count of the times i quit and went back to smoking, so don't be to ruff on your self, try again when you are ready, it will happen for you,

[Strudel]

Lyn - You are back at it - that is the important thing! Here is a quote for you -

 "You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down." 

---Mary Pickford

So - no staying down! Promise yourself one thing - to come here and blog if you have a problem - BEFORE you do anything! Promise! 

[anna64]

You Can Do This too!!!  Great advice so far so I'm not sure what I can add except you MUST stay POSITIVE!!!!  Even if your not getting the support from Family....You have this site to go to!!  And remember to BLOG for HELP BEFORE you do something like smoking....sometimes blogging can make the Crave pass without even thinking about it!!  Change your routine around.....that always helps when you confuse the Craves!!!  LOL 

I hope you have a Great Day

Toodles  :O)