The previous blog where I stated that I was treading water, it was about life in general, not smoking. When I committed to quit, I really committed, so last post was saying that despite anything else, I am NOT smoking. I say "at least" as a phrase that means that maybe I am not in control of anything else, but At Least I am Not Smoking, not giving in to that. At this point...45 or so days later, my choice to stop smoking is the one thing that is working...with all of your help of course. So the "at least" was to assure you all that I havent found a way to fight the other battles in my life, but I will be damned if I lose this stop smoking one.
I'm trying to say that I have my quit. But in all other aspects, I am depressed, anxious, still dealing with a bully boss on a daily basis, I can't find a way to rise above it, ignore it, or act as if I am made of stone. It hurts DAMN it. hurts to be treated so badly and to see her face, hear her words and tone to me versus others. I just havent found a way to deal with it, or to defuse is, ignore it. The fact is that she has chosen to not like me, to be cruel and unkind to me. to put me down, to talk down to me. I try all the self talk to build me up, I meditate at home. I run it by all of you. but it keeps coming and coming. I can't kill her so I think sometimes to kill myself to stop the ugly painful feelings that are brought up. I dont even know why she treats me like this and doesnt like me. It just hurts too much. I am always tryig to be kind to her, talk up to her, give her good news, defer to her, but nothing seems to change. I am her target and and guess I will remain so.
well, tonight I am extra wound up and scared because I have been summoned to meet her tomorrow morning in her office, just the two of us. There has never been any positive that comes from the closed door one on one meetings with her. My heart is pounding and will all night, skin is creepy crawly, ears are ringing and even tho I am still awake, I realize I keep clenching my jaw and grinding my teeth.
BUT I AM NOT SMOKING AND DO NOT PLAN TO. i HOLD ON TO THIS AS MY ONE VICTORY.
love you guys so much. eX has gotten me where I am.
terri
