well HALLO, my beauties! i've missed a coupla days here and there's a reason why.
i was binge-ing.
i realize now that i am a binge addict. i can go for periods of time without smoking and then WHAMMO, i'll binge--hard. at least i have learned something else about myself.
i used the patch all week and had four days. i was doing great--i mean, i was just sailing through. during the week, i had a strategy and a routine. i got up, took my vitamins when i ate breakfast and put my patch on before i left the house.
then the weekend came.
i have a penchant for sleeping in...which i did until about 1:00pm. i had been up late the night before working on a project and went to bed late. so, i didn't put on my patch because i was already out of my routine and i thought i'd be okay. i was okay on saturday, but then sunday came. same story. up late, no patch the next day. i made it until about 6pm working on the same project before i got a crave. i pushed it out of my mind and pressed on.
then, my husband and i had an argument. he said he was going for a drive and i said i would too. i stopped at the 7-eleven and bought a pack of cigarettes. i took four out and gave the rest to the smoker behind the counter (some philanthropist, huh? contributing to her addiction).
anyway, i knew when i got home that i would smoke the next day and said as much. i knew i had a stressful week coming up. work and then teaching at night. the drive to school is long and i usually smoke during it. i bought another pack the next day (today) and proceeded to binge on the entire pack (well, i left one and threw it away). i threw away the lighter that i had borrowed from the girl at the 7-eleven (smokers are SO generous). anyway...
i didn't feel bad at all for smoking today. i didn't have any real guilt. i wasn't sick after binge-ing either. but it wasn't really the same. i didn't need it; it didn't help and it really wasn't worth it.
my counselor asked me how it made me feel to smoke. i told her that it made me feel less lonely. she told me that until i found something to replace it--something that made me feel less lonely--or until we got to the root of the problem, i would smoke. at the time, i refused to accept it. i still do.
but, i heard something very interesting today on the radio. this spiritual teacher was saying that we should never waste a crisis, that we had three ways to tell a story: as a victim, as a hero, or as a learner. he said that we should choose to be a learner. so, instead of beating myself up about this relapse, i'll use what i have learned and i hope that relating this failure can help someone else here. i've learned that the most important thing for me during this quit is to work the plan, keep a routine, and check in with my support team even when i "think" i don't need it.
i want to thank everyone for your well-wishes and congratulations and can't wait to get my five days again. but, for now, i'll be starting the counter over. it's time to get back in the saddle and try again. after all, anything worth having is worth working for, right?
love2you all!
xoxo!
bloom
