I have to reset my quit date. Again. I hope this community is accepting. I have no excuses. However, I think I will document my transgression here to help me face what is going on. In retrospect, I should have come here two hours ago, and said all this without smoking. I feel stupid now. I know I can get through these thoughts without my negative crutch. I am learning to unlearn this reaction slowly it seems.
So there it is. I broke down. Right now, I sit here and type in tears. I epitomize an emotional wreck. (I'm not looking for sympathy or to play the victim--I'm writing this so I can read it later and remember how ths made me feel). I'm not feeling this way only because I smoked and have been unsuccessful in my quit. Hormones have some word in the matter. What really made me upset and lead me down the dark road, is that my marriage is falling apart before my eyes. It felt right to hurt myself by smoking, it is what I reach for when I feel alone and hurt. Silly, right? I am acting out I realize somewhere, I want to be self-destructive like the tornado my life is spinning in, somehow it makes me feel better to know I am killing myself slowly. How fucked up is that? Someone needs to invent a business where you can order a person to cuddle or hug you instead. It would be really good to have that in times like these. Then again, I might just get depressed about the fact that I have to pay to be cared for.
My biggest smoking trigger is always surrounding the troublesome emotions of my marriage when things go awry. Which is sadly almost weekly. It suffices to say that my relationship has just come to a crossroad and I do not know if it will recover this time. This could be a good thing for my quitting. My husband got a DUI last night after I aksed him to leave the house because of an argument we had. Did I mention I am active duty? He is active duty too; however, it seems he is getting kicked out for the mistake he made last night. He's also in the barracks for now and I am alone with the girls. I think the distance will help. Maybe I can just focus on my girls and let this mess fade in the background?
Where does this put me with quitting? What does this mean for me? I am here. Do I belong? I am hanging on by a thread to this community afraid I am going to be rejected and shunned for sucking at his business. It is a dream for me to quit for good. N.O.P.E. (Not One Puff Ever). I like that thought. Just getting there on my crazy tidalwave ride of this whatever this is to make it happen...
For the record. I just need to be accountable. I need to be open and real with what happens to continue to move forward. For now, I have to remember how much progress I've made and stay positive. I still have more work to do and each day I don't smoke is a better day for me and the baby in my womb. Even better still are the weeks I don't smoke. I know this--I've been there.I haven't quit yet I have to admit. Tomorrow is a new day, I don't think I will smoke tomorrow. It is very likely I won't. I can focus on that for now. It will make me feel better to get another day smokefree under my belt.
