Back at it tomorrow

[themrsbeardsley]

Here are a few things I want to let people know about me, just so you all can have a better understanding of who I am as an individual:

• I am a very empathetic person
• Other peoples moods effect me greatly (if one person in my house is having a bad day, I feel their anger, tension, sadness...whatever it is)
• I am a fixer/helper (what can I do to make this person's mood/situation better?) If I can't fix it or help, I just try to be as supportive & understanding as possible
• Once I am in a bad mood (whatever the reason, whatever time of day) that's it for the day. Done. Bad day coming at ya. I do not know how to shake it off, or get past it. (Unfortunately my youngest child has this same personality trait, poor kid)
• I am a kind soul, but very private. Sharing is not a strong point for me
• I am super funny (humor dosen't always come through the written way very well, but trust me...I'm hilarious!)
• I do not feel that I deserve kind words or support after I make a mistake. Nor do I feel like I deserve recognition or praise for accomplishments (big or small). But advise is welcome (what can I say, I am a complicated person)
• I do not like attention on me for any reason, good or bad
• I work very hard every day to make sure I do everything in my power for my family. (It's very draining.)
• I know that my addiction to cigarettes is probably 99% mental & habitual. I cannot recall a single physical craving that I had that occurred before a mental urge. 

Tomorrow is my third quit date of this year. I feel lousy for so many reasons. Why do I keep slipping? What is wrong with me? Oh, there is plenty wrong with me, let's not open that can (see above for a peek LOL). I recently (within the last 2 months) came off of my anxiety medication because my doctor & I didn't think I needed it anymore (it was a very low dose & life was absolutely overwhelming when I started taking it a few years ago). Since stopping the meds, I am way more emotional. I feel my feelings more. (Does that make sense or does it come across as dumb & girly as it sounds?) My last attempt I went cold turkey & made it through 75% of day 3. Turns out day 3 was really hard craving wise. I remember standing at the stove cooking dinner & thinking "If I had the money, I would go to the store when dinner is done & buy a pack of cigarettes". Well I didn't need to put it off that long because before I was done with dinner, my husband went to the store & bought cigarettes for us both. Two things that need to be mentioned here...one, I hadn't told my husband that I went cold turkey 2 days before (why? I will get to that in a bit, but the fact that he hadn't noticed should speak volumes) ...& two he never buys me cigarettes when he buys his. And I mean never. So when he handed me that pack I tore into it like a damn (for a lack of a better word here) junkie. That's exactly how I felt. (I mean no offense by the word junkie, but somehow it feels wrong to use it.) My internal dialogue has always been very negative. So all the thoughts hit me at once...you suck, you're a loser, why even bother to try you're just going to fail again". There are many more but they don't really belong on this site so I left them out. But I deal with them all on a daily basis. 

Now I will get into the whole husband thing. He is my biggest trigger. And I don't mean "fighting with him is my biggest trigger" no no. I mean exactly what I said. He is my biggest, strongest, most likely to push me over the edge trigger. He gets under my skin like no one else can on a regular basis & It's even worse when I am on a quit. I didn't tell him I was quitting because he's one of those people. You all know the ones..."You said you were quitting" (in an antagonistic tone) & refuse to hand me a lighter, or snatch my cigarettes out of my hand. While this may sound supportive it's actually counter productive to me. It pisses me off & really makes me not want to be around him or anyone who acts like an ass in a moment that I just need to be left the eff alone. Don't remind me that I am a failure...I do that just fine on my own. So to avoid the nastiness that he adds to a quit, I just don't tell him. It's easier that way. I mean, he didn't even notice that I hadn't smoked for 2+ days so why bring it to his attention. It just adds unnecessary grief to my day. He is a self proclaimed asshole that is never going to change, so while I know many people will say "Just talk to him about being supportive", it isn't worth the effort because he will not listen. I have tried to get him to see things from my perspective & he just doesn't. Change what you can & accept what you can't, right? TADA!!

On the positive side, I have a best friend (we'll call her Joan because that's what I call her LOL--see, funny) who is the ideal supporter & my daughter (22 years old) is also in my corner fighting for me. My best friend is an ex smoker & has been smoke free for almost 2 decades so she understands my struggle because she went through it. My daughter has been wanting me to quit for as long as I remember so I feel shitty for disappointing her for so long. But once I remind myself of the disappointment I cause, here come the negatives again.

Ugh! The struggle is real!

Next thing I want to get out there is I have been trying to get back into shape & drop some pounds. Joan & I have been walking 3-5 times a week in the evenings (weather permitting) for a couple of months. When we started we were doing 2 miles a day (she has no cartilage in one knee & hello...I'm a smoker so I don't breath so well when exerted), but now we are up to almost 3 1/2 so that's exciting. We are thinking about doing some other things at home as well (squats, planks..the like) to increase our overall health & fitness. Our walking goal is to be at 4 miles a hike by the end of autumn. But we live in Michigan so that could be anytime with the crazy weather we have had so far this year. 

Thursday is my birthday & I have this week off of work (except for a meeting tomorrow morning) so I am hoping that when I go back to work next week, I won't be smoking during my breaks, or sneaking out for a cigarette when a customer pisses me off. I need to find a better way to cope with anger & also figure out how to diffuse it in a healthy way.

That is all for now. It is almost time to start dinner so I guess I have taken enough time to talk about myself (feels selfish).

[YoungAtHeart]

Welcome to our community!

Take as much time (and space) as you need.  We get paid by the word (jk - I also have a well developed sense of humor!)

I will ask prior forgiveness for any cheering I might inadvertently offer.  It's one of the things I do here.  Please don't be offended!

The most important thing you can do right now is to educate yourself on what nicotine does to your body and mind. To that end, I highly recommend Allen Carr's “The Easy Way to Stop Smoking.” This is an easy and entertaining read. You can search for it  or at your local library. Here's a link to a video here on the site which describes nicotine addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IpWMgPHn0Lo&feature=youtu.be.
 
 You should also read the posts here and perhaps go to the pages of folks who you think might be helpful. You might visit whyquit.com, quitsmoking.com and livewell.com for the good information contained there. @https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/groups/best-of-ex has lots of blogs written by members of this site with their experiences and guidance.
 
After you have completed the recommended reading, it will be time to make an informed choice of the quit aid, if any, you will use. If you go that route, I personally recommend the aids that don't let the addict control the dose such as the available prescription drugs or the patch. If used properly, gum, lozenges and inhalers are fine, but they need to be used only as a last resort.  I have seen folks become addicted to them if they substitute them for every cigarette they used to smoke - just trading one addiction for another.  I do not recommend the e-cigarette for three reasons: 1) the vapor has been compared to the polluted air in Bejing on a bad day, 2) they just provide another nicotine delivery system while continuing the hand to mouth smoking motion, and 3) the batteries can spontaneously catch on fire. . But – any method that you think will work well for you will be best for you.
 
The idea is to change up your routines so the smoking associations are reduced.  Drink your coffee with your OTHER hand in a place different from when you smoked. Maybe switch to tea for a bit.  If you always had that first smoke with your coffee, try putting your tennies on right out of bed, going for a quick walk, then taking your shower and THEN your coffee! Rearrange the furniture in the areas you used to smoke so the view is different. Buy your gas at a different station. Take a different route to work. Take a quick walk at break time where the smokers AREN'T.
 
You need to distract yourself through any craves.  You can take a bite out of a lemon (yup - rind and all), put your head in the freezer and take a deep breath of cold air, do a few jumping jacks, go for a brisk walk or march in place, play a computer game.  Keep a cold bottle of water with you from which to sip. Don't let that smoking thought rattle around in your brain unchallenged. Sometimes you need to quit a minute or an hour at a time.  You will need to be disciplined in the early days to distract yourself when a crave hits.    Get busy!  Here is a link to a list of things to do instead of smoke if you need some fresh ideas:
 
https://excommunity.becomeanex.org/blogs/Youngatheart.7.4.12-blog/2013/02/25/100-things-to-do-instea...
 
The conversation in your head in response to the "I want a cigarette" thought needs to be, "Well, since I have decided not to do that anymore, what shall I do instead for the three minutes this crave will last?"  Then DO it.  You will need to put some effort into this in the early days, but it gets easier and easier to do.
 
Stay close to us here and ask questions when you have them and for support when you need it. We will be with you every step of the way!
 
Nancy

[MarilynH]

Welcome to the community please read the links suggested above me and keep reading everything you can about quitting smoking and remaining quit because there's a wealth of information here to strengthen your resolve to kick the nicotine poison to the curb and start living a life of Freedom you're right the struggle is real but boy oh boy it's so worth it to be Free, believe in yourself and be willing determined and totally committed to succeed and you can and will be successful one precious Smokefree Day at a time or hour minute or even a second at a time once you've done the reading pick your quit date and when your Day ONE arrives you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror and smile and say yay for Day WON with many more to come, quitting smoking is definetly difficult to say the least but it's also very Doable and we're all here to help you in any way we can.....

[Mandolinrain]

A hearty welcome from me to Ex!

I got out of your blog, to me anyway...that you need to practice a more positive approach for yourself. Am I saying this right? Sounds like your forever beating yourself up and you sound like quite a nice-gentle spirit.  Theres nothing wrong with allowing people to build you up. Thats what support is. Thats what we do here.

I am glad your here. Your friend Joan sounds like a charm.  I hope you get familiar with all of the links Nancy sent you above and feel comfortable enough to allow us to help you, guide you. 

We may all not have quit smoking by the same methods but we were ALL addicted to nicotine.  We may not all share the same opinions on how to journey through this quit of yours but you can be sure WE ALL have sincere intentions to share our best of what worked for us and encourage you to work you quit in a way that works for you. It is YOUR quit after all. We just all take what we need from each other and leave the rest. Someone will always be around for leftovers.

Anyway, enough from me. Deep breath now...your gonna do fine. Stay near to the site. We have your back.

[Giulia]

First of all kudos on getting off the anxiety meds.  Since stopping those meds you ARE going to be more emotional.  Those drugs help take the edge off.  You will also find that you're more emotional when you quit.   I hope you have developed some techniques for relaxation and overcoming stress.  Deep breathing, re-focusing, etc.  Life these days in this current world is full stress.  So it behooves us to find ways to overcome that.  That's part of the homework we need to do during the quitting process.  Getting over an addiction takes WORK.

I'm going to be a tough taskmaster here.  You just added me as a connection so I can't be that dastardly.  lol   I agree that your addiction is 99% mental.  That's true for ALL of us.  The ones who have made to the Elder's List (one-year quit or more) are those who allowed no excuses.  You've been here for three months.  Have you done any of the reading suggested?  Have you delved into the blogs of those people who have strong quits?  I don't see any reflection in your previous blogs  that you've done any of the work required.  Correct me if I wrong.  So it makes me wonder if you're actually serious about quitting.  Or whether you just hope "this time" will be it.  You've gotten advice on your previous blogs, but you never respond to that advice.  You have to be actively involved, every single day with your quit.  Otherwise you'll never find the freedom you seek.  It takes a lot of work this quitting thing, this major change in us.

Some people don't like the responses I give.  But you see, I really want you to quit.  And so I'm not going to let you off the hook too easily.  Tomorrow is your third quit date of the year.  Something has to change in you to make this work.  Right?  What?  What is it that you're going to change? Be specific.  You're specific enough about who you are as an individual.  So be that specific about how you're going to quit.  Husband is not allowed as an excuse.  Actually if you want to quit smoking - nothing and nobody is allowed as an excuse.  That's really IT.  That's the cure.  It's that simple.  Eliminate excuses, adhere to Not One Puff Ever hold on 'til you get there - and you'll have a successful quit.  

You've changed regarding exercise, now walking over three miles a day.  That's a BIG change.  Kudos on that.  What motivated you?  How are you maintaining it?  I suggest it probably contains the same seed as quitting smoking - that inner motivation.  Find that same kind of place within that kind, caring space within you and open up that hilarious person that you say you are.  Quitting is a RIOT!  View it from your giggle side.  Have fun with it, not agony with it.  You can, you know?!

[elvan]

Welcome and please know that every one of us wants you to succeed and that we all started at the beginning...there are no short cuts...one day at a time and you choose how to do this...you CAN do it and we are all with you.

Best,

Ellen

[themrsbeardsley]

Not an excuse I swear bbbuuuttt...

I can only navigate the website really well on my computer which I do not have access to as much as my phone. I have this site bookmarked on my phones homepage but it is difficult to use for me. So i decided (while reading your awesomely blunt reply) that i will make it part of my evening routine to check in on this wonderfully supportive site EVERY NIGHT. I will also make sure to reply to comments. I probably come off as snarky or ungrateful but i promise i am not. 

And just to touch on something else you said ...yes this is my third attempt this year (it hurt my heart a little to "hear you say it", I have not discussed why I failed the first time but ultimately it doesn't change the fact that i failed. I have done alot (underline, italic & bold that sucker) of soul searching & have learned a few surprising things about myself. I am all about accountability & i have not held my smoking addiction to my own standards. Shame shame. Another thing I am going to use to help me is a comparison i came up with after i read Allen Carr's book (see how i snuck that answer in there? Lol) I'm just using my words here but, the urge or craving is the nicotine monster throwing a tantrum for not getting what he wants, right? Well i never gave in to my kids tantrums (& I love them) so why should i give in to this a**hole? I have many more things in my quit plan, but for tonight that is all I am going to list. 

Thank you in advance for keeping me on my toes ...I have a feeling you are going to be great for my quit. 

[Giulia]

I can't imagine trying to navigate this site on a cell phone.  But then  I have one of those old ones that's 2" wide.  A computer connection with a big screen definitely makes a difference.  

You don't come across as snarky or ungrateful at all to me.  But you do come across as someone who perhaps isn't as interested in their quit or as dedicated to the cause as much as they need to be to overcome this addiction.  From my perception anyway.  And I'm not sitting here judging you for that.  But I am sitting here saying if you want your freedom you have to expend the energy and time and thought necessary to achieve it.

" i have not held my smoking addiction to my own standards. Shame shame. "  It's a shame that you haven't done so, but there is no shame on YOU per se.  Do you see the difference?  It's more non-judgmental I think.  

You're obviously working your way through this new quit.  And that good.  "i never gave in to my kids tantrums (& I love them) so why should i give in to this a**hole?"  Exactly.  We have to become the adults in the relationship with our addiction.  We have to say NO to that whining child begging for some candy in every convenience store.   

If my "blunt reply" causes you to make it part of your evening routine to check in here every night, then I can go to bed  feeling like I've made a difference.  And  if "it hurt my heart a little to "hear you say it" I know you must recognize that they were the words that first issued from your own truth and heart.  They are your words.  I was only saying them back to you.  Sometimes that's really all it takes to transform us.  Because oftentimes we can't hear ourselves for all our shouting. 

The Carr book is great for changing our perception about smoking.  But unless we move forward and continue our education, it just a book that had an immediate but short-lived impact on our quits.  Quitting is the first step on the path. Maintaining that quit is the clearing of it for the continuing journey.

[elvan]

Wow...between your blog and Giulia‌'s response...there is a LOT here.  First of all, I think I love you...I mean that, I love your sense of humor and your honesty...I get it, we ALL get it.  Not one of us is more addicted than any other although most of us think we are.  YoungAtHeart‌ recently said some like..."Excuse are like buttholes, everyone has one."  I am guessing that MOST of us don't have THOUSANDS of buttholes though.  I am not sure there is an excuse that I did not use in my 47 year smoking career...stress, depression, my husband, my kids, my pets, my chronic pain, my anger about just about everything at one time or another.  I had never learned to deal with my emotions and feelings because they were all stuffed into my cigarettes. Every failed quit that I had was because of one of those excuses or perhaps others I have since forgotten.  The fact was and IS that smoking never did anything FOR me, it did not take away my stress or my anger or my pain or the behavior of others that I allowed myself to believe that it would.  NO...smoking did nothing FOR me, but it sure did lots TO me.  I have done irreversible physical damage to my body but I have not smoked in over 4 1/2 years thanks to this site and the people here.  When I first quit, I came here every morning and every evening and I still come here pretty much every day.  I use a laptop...I cannot imagine trying to navigate this site with a phone but I am old and I can answer the phone, make calls, and I can text...pretty slowly but I can do it.  I have great difficulty trying to navigate ANY sites so kudos to you for that.  Please read as many blogs as you can whenever and however you can...pay attention to what works for others and pay attention to the comments because what you can learn here cannot be learned anywhere else.  I quit so many times and I saw the disappointment in the faces of my kids, my husband, my family members and my friends.  You CAN do this...it is not easy, it is also not an event, it is a journey, one day at a time, one step at a time.  We are here, we care, we ALL want you to succeed and we all want to help in any way that we can.

Welcome to EX....

Ellen